A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why am I always runner up?I don't date much - in fact in the last few years I hardly dated at all, but the last three men I was involved with all chose someone else over me. The first went back to his ex, the second chose to date my friend instead of me and the latest one is fond of me but not enough to have a relationship and prefers to stay as friends.Now I know I'm not overly glamorous compared to some women, I'm also past my most youthful days too, but I have a good personality and am witty and so by the law of averages there must be some guy out there who likes me as much as I like them. Am I just not pushy enough? I always thought being overly pushy turns men off - but yet it seems the forward, cocky women seem to get the guys!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): OP here again. Thanks to the last 2 female posters - very valuable comments - so thanks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): OP I was single 18 years as a single parent, never found anyone I thought I could settle down with, didnt care too much if I'm honest and cared even less so when I met my boyfriend and yes had the whirlwind romance. Some people are just less choosy and actively looking and from my observation learn how to play the game of enticing a partner.
Just be you, its great you know your worth, and when you least expect it, like it happened to me you may just meet the right man for you x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): As another woman who is close to you age I can certainly understand where your coming from . It’s hard for men to understand when the odds get stacked towards them with age and against us . This is partly because of the value placed on women being wrapped up in their youth and beauty and the value placed in men being in there age and wealth . This means that generally speaking men are more valued with age whilst women become less valued and often treated with disrespect as we age . It’s so easy for men to say we shouldn’t be cynical( realistic is the truth but men like to label it cynical to take the heat of their superficiality ) but that’s not so easy when we are dissed simply for aging. When we are constantly dumped for the better looking or younger woman My only advice is to try and fill the void your feeling with things other than men and romance . Hobbies friends and nature are three things that come to mind for me . Fill your own cup and realise that people who think the way you describe and ditch you were never worth much to your life anyway so your not losing out . Make your life rich on your own terms
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies.
Code Warrior - yes I've never thought of it in terms of probability before. I like it.
Wise owl - yes it's true we don't always get the ones we want - but it seems everyone else ends up with somebody they're at least content with - except for me. I definitely don't believe there is somebody out there for everyone - yes I'm cynical- but realistic too. I'm nearly 50 and have never had that whirlwind romance yet, so doubt it will come along now. There are people out there with far less going for them than me, however, still find it. "Love's Unkind" as Donna Summer would say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): Typo corrections:
"If you're single, you're fortunate when you can get dates."
" If you're single and still seeking romantic-companionship; it follows that you would try to look presentable, do your hair, dress in a way that flatters you, and just have a generally positive-attitude."
Sorry for typos! I squeeze these into a very busy work schedule, and sometimes notice the errors later!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): Love doesn't happen on cue or when you want it to. It happens when it happens. If you're single, you fortunate when you can get dates. As life goes, making a lasting romantic-connection is hit or miss. If you keep missing, you just keep trying. You work on self-improvements, seek enlightenment, check-off your bucket list, and enjoy life until someone comes along ready to share it with you.
As far as looks, you do regular maintenance and upkeep. If you're single and still seeking romantic-companionship; it follows that you would try to look presentable, do your hair, dress in a way that flatters you, and just have a general;y positive-attitude. Regardless of what your past history has been with men up to now. If a guy senses you're feeling anxious or pushy to start a relationship; they may just avoid the desperate-vibe you're sending out. You don't spring from meeting someone into a relationship. There are a few steps and stages you go through emotionally and a connection has to be established leading-up to something meaningful. If he doesn't want you for a girlfriend, move on.
The best way to stay positive is to enjoy the company for as long as you have it.
You should continue to be visible, sociable, and available. Don't let your age decide what you can or cannot have; or what you can or cannot do. As long as it is not foolish; and you will not do yourself harm.
If you are negative, and developing a cynical-attitude about men...we'll pick-up on it! If you're desperate and clingy...you will continuously trigger the male fight-or-flight instinct. Women get edgy and anxious when men drag their feet and don't seem eager to commit. Well, welcome to the world of reality. There are many men who are like that. You have as much right to be picky as men do. If the guy you pick doesn't seem to reciprocate your attraction; that's how it goes sometimes. It happens to men too! It has also happened to every man you've dated as well. The women he wanted, didn't want him.
In the instances that they've chosen someone else; maybe that is because someone else was they type of woman they're looking for. They don't feel compelled to just take what they can get. Nor should you!!! Their alternate choices has nothing to do with whether you're worthy or pretty enough. Those guys simply were not meant for you! Destiny and timing has someone else heading your way, and he just hasn't gotten here yet.
Regardless of gender, everyone will pickup on negative self-image and insecurity. Men know when women have a cynical-attitude towards males. You can be as sweet as you want to be; but if you haven't found the guy you want, or you've been rejected a few times. Sometimes it leaves a scar. If you become embittered, it will show. You can't hide it! If you become desperate, that shows too!
You don't always get what you want when you want it. That's a fact of life! You persevere, be grateful for your blessings, and make friends until you find someone who feels the same for you as you feel for him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2019):
 I don't think it's about not being pushy enough, it might come down to two things, luck of the draw and the type of guy you have gone out with.
The first one going back to his ex, was nothing to do with you. He probably kind of KNEW that BEFORE dating you, but entertained the notion that he "still got it" and did the whole... one last hurrah before going back to the ex. Unfortunately, THAT hurrah was you. COULD have been anyone.
The second liking your friend better. Well, she probably was a better fit. IT happens. And it shows what kind of person your friend is.. and what kind of man he is. Neither someone to hang on to.
The 3rd one, either have issues with commitment or just didn't feel there was enough chemistry going on. Again, NOT your fault. YOU WILL NOT appeal to EVERY man and not EVERY man will appeal to you. THAT is why people DATE!
To find someone who IS a good match.
YOU make the presumption that dating a guy WILL lead to a relationship every time and when it doesn't YOU must have done something "wrong".
Only thing WRONG in that equation, is the GUY and maybe... your expectations.
Try again. Eventually you will find someone who is a good match for you and vice verse.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2019):
 This is what guys day about “nice guys and bad guys”. It’s a load of rubbish for the most part, especially past 21. Confidence helps, but pushy or arrogant won’t hold a relationship.
If you think about law of averages, OP, think about how many men there are in your country, let alone the world and how many the average person at each stage of life has to date before finding the right one. It’s more than three.
Perhaps you have a subconscious type and it keeps leading you to guys like this. You don’t have to be glamourous, just take care of yourself and look nice on dates.
How do you find guys to date? Try online if you haven’t already. If you have, update your profile. If you can, start a new hobby that will help you meet other people with similar interests - classes are often a good shot.
Get a haircut and buy a new date outfit - doesn’t have to be expensive, just something you feel confident in.
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