A
male
age
30-35,
*ionHeart8
writes:A few months ago me and a girl hooked up and decided to become friends with benefits. All was well for a while - we had fun and we bonded and became pretty close friends in addition to the FWB deal. We had our differences, but nothing too extreme. I liked to tease her about stuff, and she did get upset at times. Fast forward to about three weeks ago. She broke off from the FWB relationship and I have felt like shit ever since. We talked about it for a while - we only ever seem to communicate through arguing anymore. She is not the most emotionally stable person, and she has hardly been in a real relationship before, even though this technically wasn't a relationship.I was curious as to why this happened and I felt like it was all my fault because of what we did. She told me that even though we did everything that a BF/GF would normally do, she still felt used and like a piece of meat afterward because she did not feel that we really were together because the title was missing. In all my heart, I never meant to make her feel that way. I tried explaining things to her, but we always misinterpret what the other person is doing. Anymore, when she doesn't text me, I get worried that she doesn't want to talk to me, even though she says she does. I sometimes find myself doubting her motives - maybe she was the one using me? But I don't think that's true. Sometimes she wouldn't talk to me for a while, and within the break, her rules were "we can talk, but we can't hang out as much anymore," because of all her schoolwork. I can understand that. She also has two friends she is always with, and she told them what happened, and they basically hate me now. I find myself constantly thinking about her, and I feel like some part of me is missing because she drifted away from me. She drifted because early in the relationship sort of thing, I was always sitting in my room and didn't really feel like hanging out, but I LOVED knowing that she wanted to hang out with me. Now, she really doesn't care and I know it. I say "I miss you! 3" in text, and she responds with the same thing, but I can tell it's just because I say it to her.I feel used and hurt, and un-needed by her. She also told me that she really liked me in the beginning and I didn't want to be in a relationship with her, and since then she really stopped liking me in that way. Of course, I say "I love you" to her, and I mean it! But she doesn't return the love to me. And now that we are not bonded like we were, I feel like I'm the one who is sorry and she doesn't give a rat's ass about me. I want to know what I should do to make things right again, or make her miss me. I enjoyed when I felt like she needed me, and now she just...doesn't, I guess. It hurts. And it feels like everything that I contributed to this means nothing to her, and that it was only for her self satisfaction. What about me? I make mistakes sometimes and we bicker, but I still really liked her. I miss her. I want her, need her. I don't know what to do. This desperation makes me sound pathetic and weak, and I just want things to be the way they were again. I miss her and I want her to miss me. Please, help me out!
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male
reader, LionHeart8 +, writes (30 April 2009):
LionHeart8 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat y'all are saying really helps me get different 3rd person perspectives on it, and I truly appreciate it. I can't talk to her about this stuff anymore, as she simply blows me off. So I vent on here. It's really a shame, we used to be so close. I can tell she doesn't regard me as a friend anymore, and even though that may be an instinctual response for her emotional balance to withdraw and stop showing any sign of care, it still pisses me off. But I seriously, really am thankful for all inputs.
A
female
reader, confusednkentucky +, writes (30 April 2009):
If she was drinking and you know that's really not her thing, seems like your right about the overwhelmed, because if she had such strong opinions, she's not doing it for fun, she did it as a coping skill, not a good one, but still, sorry nothing we've said worked, but i think she's got some emotional stuff goin on.
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A
male
reader, LionHeart8 +, writes (29 April 2009):
LionHeart8 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, yesterday I pretty much spilled my guts. I said how sorry I was and apologize for being inconsiderate and disrespectful and I said how I am sorry we are not bf/gf. All I got back was "I don't want to be your girlfriend. You are not what I need and we are not compatible." How cold!
Additionally, I talked to some of my friends and one suggested that maybe she is completely overwhelmed with many things in her life, especially finals. She got drunk two night ago (and before, she always mentioned how drinking is gross and she would never do it, and when I confronted her, she simply showed no emotion and held nothing back and was basically glad she did it. I was pissed off that she was a hypocrite and didn't stand by her creed of not drinking, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. She was, and still is, pretty numb), and I gotta tell you from everything she mentioned about hating it, I was so appalled.
I asked her if we were still friends or acquaintances -- her response? "Friends"
"Are we just-talking friends or are we hang-out-over-the-summer friends?"
Her response -- "Just stop."
I'm not trying to instigate or attack, and I cannot tell whether she is genuinely sick of me or just can't deal with anything in this moment and time. It pisses me off, but I don't know what I should do other than leave her alone, and even that bothers me. I want to know she doesn't mean it and wants to hang out. Or not.
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A
female
reader, confusednkentucky +, writes (29 April 2009):
You may have 2 be patient, but if she sees some time goes by and notices you didn't move on, she'll take notice, but what u said about not knowing if it's her or not having something to replace her that happens 2, but 2 read your words, I think you are sincere, nobody likes to get hurt or feel bad, so she may take tiny steps towards things, but feelings don't go away over night so if she had any for you they are still there, right now i'd say she's just a bit leary, something in this day and time that i really think would be romantic, would be a hand written note, your very expressive and the old fashioned way of writing is more personal then electronic. girls are usually sentimental over things like that, most times.
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A
male
reader, LionHeart8 +, writes (28 April 2009):
LionHeart8 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA while back when we were friends and getting closer, we often bickered. She's told me multiple times that she didn't like how I was treating her -- for example, sometimes I would just stay in my room and she expected me to come into her room and just hang out. Other times, she'd invite me to dinner with the two friends and I would decline and go with other people. But that doesn't mean I don't care about her!
I have spilled my guts to her, and told her how important she is. When I explain it however, it seems like she just soaks it in and doesn't seem to respond. How am I supposed to react to that? Sometimes I take it like it's just a confidence booster for her if I don't feel like she feels and wants the same thing.
Also, closer to December, she admitted to liking me a lot. I don't know what I was thinking - I said I liked her, but not in the ways that I feel I would need in a relationship with her. Now that she's gone, she lost the interest when I said I wasn't, and now I realized what a fool I really was. Then again, it sometimes feels like I want her back simply because I don't have anything else to put in the space where she was. But we bonded so well. I really despise myself for being so cold!!! I am trying to show her I care and that I enjoy her and her company. But even if I want a relationship with her...certainly, she will not feel the same way after all of the stuff I have said to her. I doubt she wants a relationship with me anymore.
I have tried to show her how beautiful she is and because of what I've done, I guess it is hard for her. I don't know how to make this right. I have tried to give her space, but that only makes me want to be with her more.
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A
female
reader, confusednkentucky +, writes (28 April 2009):
From everything I have read, you really did like her like her, so why not be more respectful to her feelings and give her the title, don't have commitment issues. When she's lashing out, it's because she feels rejected, she was good enough for sex but not to be your GF, she's hurt and offended, reread what you wrote about her, when you explained it, it's so obvious that your really into her, maybe you need to analyze your self, and let her know your true feelings.
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A
female
reader, ckl +, writes (28 April 2009):
Do you want her back as FWB or are you ready to be in a relationship with this girl? She probably does miss you like you miss her. She probably wants more that the FWB deal and has real feelings for you and wants a relationship. Why dont you try to ask her to be your girlfriend and see if she wants that also. This may be what she truely wants. If you dont want a relationship with this girl then let her move on because for a girl in a FWB deal it is hard on her emotionaly. It also effects the self estem on both. This is what is happening to you because you feel un needed and useless. You are not those things...if you want this girl back, ask he to be your girlfriend!!
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