A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:During the course of an argument during which I questioned her faithfulness for the first time EVER (she was spending a lot of time with a male coworker, even missing my birthday dinner to talk business with him on the phone) my wife mentioned that she knew I had had an affair or maybe even more than one. She based this on a phone call I received from an ex-girlfriend and a photo she claims she found on my computer once upon a time (no idea and it was so long ago now.) She also mentioned a coworker I had who really liked me. (This part is true and the girl did have a crush, but I never reciprocated. She has since taken another job out of state.) The thing is, I have been completely faithful to her. I never had any affairs. I am upset that she thinks I have for two reasons:1. I am wondering if she is using that to justify her own behavior. Now my trust in her is REALLY shaken.2. I cannot believe she would think I was doing that for years and NEVER ONCE said anything. I would (and did) confront her immediately when I felt I might be losing her, because I love her and I do NOT want to lose her. This makes me think she must not love me. Wouldn't you confront your husband if you thought he was running around and you didn't want to lose him? I asked her why she never said anything and she said that she felt it was her punishment for being a bad wife to me. When I asked her what that meant, she mentioned our sex life, which to be honest had NOT been good. She said that she thought that if I needed more of that (sex) then so be it. Needless to say, I am in total shock. I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel like I do not know my wife at all. Who is this woman I have been living with for 16 years? So she has been quietly fuming about these affairs which I never had for at least 13 years (when the ex-gf called) - or maybe not fuming at all - not sure which is worse. I don't know what to say or do now. I don't think she cheated with this coworker, but I do wonder about what she has been up to all this time when she thought I was cheating. I also think she doesn't believe me when I tell her I am innocent. I don't know what to do and I feel the marriage is at a crossroads.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): projection
blameshifting
missing your bday dinner to talk shop with this male colleague? very disrespectful and highly highly inappropriate.
your wife is angling something: what indeed has she been up to all this while she thought u were cheating? yourwife seems to have been a very busy body.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 December 2011):
 I've been thinking about your post for ages, your marriage sounds like it's in crisis. What is going on with your wife is a problem to do with gender, your both acting and reacting in different ways and this often is the case.A good example to take is the issue of domestic violence. In the UK, the laws were changed to deal with how to treat women who kill husbands. Now a husband will get angry and stab his wife right away. He may later regret it, but he deals with the issue right away whilst he is in a temper. That's why France has the defence of "heat of passion" for killing in the rage of jealousy. Women often don't do this. They feel resentment or hate or anger, and instead of saying something or dealing with it, they say nothing and let the anger build up, then one day, for some small reason, they suddenly turn round and stab their husband. "The camel that broke the straws back", you ever heard of that saying. UK laws got changed after a woman put up with gang rape, beating and tons of abuse and then killed because her husband shouted and slapped her and then up to bed. She didn't kill because of the worse treatment, she killed because of the smaller thing.. she had enough.The sex issue is similar. Where a man might complain about sex issues and try make it better. Many women don't know how to explain without hurting their husbands or making them feel rejected. So they put up with sex that doesn't make them happy, but at the same time they worry that they are not pleasing their husband enough. A simple adult discussion would have solved the problem ages ago, instead now she's left you feeling hurt, shocked and betrayed and wondering what other things she has hidden from you.Again, all of this is normal, it often happens in marriages, and it's because there is problems with communication about needs, wants and desires."She also mentioned a coworker I had who really liked me" - yep, so even though you never reciprocated, you came home and told her all about this woman and how much the woman liked you. So your wife says nothing, but inside she is jealous and terribly frightened that you might be tempted to have an affair. You did nothing wrong, but your wife has feelings that she has kept hidden for years. Same as the ex-girlfriend, who she compared herself too and decided that she must be perfect, because of course, wife can never be as good as any woman you know... (women can think a lot of strange things about themselves, and often feel inadequate to other women)All of this, this is why all of a sudden women (or men) suddenly walk out of a successful and happy marriage, and everybody starts to wonder why. Hidden emotions and resentments, lack of communication, inability to discuss your needs, these attack marriages and make the heart rotten, people have enough, think the grass is greener elsewhere, have affairs (my husband/wife doesn't understand me) then they get up and leave."This makes me think she must not love me" - yep, that's why she was frightened to say anything in the first place. She was frightened to show jealousy, she was frightened to talk about the sex, she was frightened to show in any way that there was things in your marriage she'd like to improve, so she sat down there and stewed and stewed and stewed. That's why they say a woman is like a bubbling kettle, whilst a man is like boiling pot that is allowed to overflowed. She loves you, of course she does, she shows it every day in every way, she's still with you isn't she.. if the love was gone then so would she be. You don't feel jealous over men you do not love."Wouldn't you confront your husband if you thought he was running around and you didn't want to lose him?" - I would (but I got a big mouth and don't like relationship to have problems) but millions of women don't.. They have affairs, they become bitchy, they get a divorce, they turn your family and children against you (passive-aggressive behaviour). My mum divorced my dad, just because he wouldn't take her to a fancy party. (no mention of all the years of pain or hurt, for her, this was the worse, the main important reason)I'm assuming she's the reason for the bad sex life, so she stays quiet hates herself and expects you to cheat one day. All so very very sad, when talking and working together would have helped a lot." I do wonder about what she has been up to all this time when she thought I was cheating." - crying her eyes out, hating herself, hating you, feeling jealous, inadequate and lots of things.She hasn't cheated, she aint that type of woman, and yep, it's difficult to convince her of your love, because she feels ugly, inadequate and not much of a wife or woman. This is not your fault, it's to do with her and her feelings of insecurity. It's to do with you two being to scared to be honest and real.I'M GLAD ALL THE SECRETS ARE NOW OUT - Because now you two can talk honestly and openly about everything. Hold your anger and hurt for a while, and instead take this opening to get to know your marriage and get to know your real wife. You tell her your fears and what bothers you, ask her to do the same. Work with what is hidden and try to change or fix it, these types of discussions are wonderful for marriages, it's what helps to bring you closer, when you talk about difficult things. Reassure her of your love, explain where you've made mistakes and encourage her to do the same. Discuss everything big or small, here's the time to share sexual fantasies, hidden past secrets... everything, put it all on the table, with no judgements, no accusations, no blaming, just two vulnerable, hurt, confused people who are in love and have been fighting with ghosts and misunderstanding that they know nothing about so they can't control.Sorry it's so long.... hope this helps in some small way to help you understand what is going on. Go and hold her and kiss her, the guy at work aint important, but it's time for you two to have a serious, positive, non judgemental discussion.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): Rules of affairs are simple.
Lie.
Cheat.
Lie about it.
Get caught.
Lie some more.
Start pointing fingers at the spouse who is faithful and blame them.
Lie some more.
Lie more.
Lie more.
"even missing my birthday dinner to talk business with him on the phone"
What more do you need to know?
You and your wife are in deep crisis and need to get to a counselor or your marriage is over. She's almost certainly having an affair and trying to cover herself and excuse what she has done.
Don't stick your head in the sand, that makes it worse. Get professional help, for yourself if not for both of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): She IS using it as a cover-up, make no mistake about it. Tell her in a calm voice to tell you everything
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 It could be possible that she is using this as an excuse for her own behaviour. If you are both wanting this marriage to work then I guess the only way forward is to go to a marriage counsellor to get some help and guidance. Because I don't think you will both be able to overcome this on your own. Good luck.
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