A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have been talking to a guy I met on a date site for 3 years now. We live over 2000 miles apart. We always tried to make plans to finally see one another in person but they never came through for one reason or another. He skyped with me once and he never saw me on camera yet because he never asked me to. Anyway he started saying he loved me after just a few months of saying we were in a 'relationship' and said it everyday until last month. Now last month I finally made plans and bought a ticket to see him but before my trip I found out that he was on not 1 but 3 dating sites including a site known for hookups that you swipe people based on who looks attractive to you. I confronted him and he confessed that he had had 6 dates, kissed 2, didn't sleep with any but fingered and fondled 2 women on the first few dates. He said he started looking in September 2014 and had hooked up and dated within the last 6 months. All this time he had been dating other people we were still in a relationship and he got quite upset when he found out I had forgotten to take a date profile I had up down and told me that he might be able to forgive me for it while he was dating other people! All the while he told me he loved me and wanted us to be together and talked a lot about our future etc. I found out that one of the women he hooked up with he would have continued seeing and dropped me for her had she not rejected him after a few dates. After finding all of this out I cancelled my travel plans and didn't speak to him for a week then I told him to delete my number because he kept contacting me. I missed our talks since we talked everyday for 3 years! and started to respond to the texts he sent. We had a thorough discussion of what went on and his not believing I was real or anything we had was real and him not believing i'd ever visit him as the sole reason why he cheated a year and lied to me. He admitted he was selfish for wanting to keep me so i wouldn't date others. After that we continued talking and I told him I could meet him as friends and me with a friend there but he said he didn't want to meet me at all if I was going to be with someone else. So now he says he cancelled all of the dating sites he was on and says that he thinks of me everyday and only wants to be with me and that he is not going to go on any more dates until he sees where things go with us and that he never thought of a future with any other girl before me and is asking for a second chance. He even told me he wants to build trust by letting me talk to people on his facebook account. My feelings for him are weird now. I feel like I care about him and i love talking to him still even though I still feel upset at what he did but I feel like I care less what he did each day I speak to him. I feel like he is not the person I knew before which I thought was innocent, honest, loyal, and generous but is more of a pervert, deceitful, easily swayed by other people since he said that he didn't think I was real because his friends kept calling me a catfish which he never told me about but says it was a reason he started to believe it more. So I don't know what to do now and if he is even worth a second chance to go and make plans to visit him 2000 miles away?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (22 July 2015):
 i wouldnt waste any more time on this man. if you like talking to him online, fine, keep it as that. in the meantime try to get to know people in the real world or at least closer to you than 2,000 miles away. i agree with honeypie - why has this man not made an effort to travel to YOU?
by the way, i don't even know what a 'catfish' is. will have to go and google that! :( i feel old!
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (21 July 2015):
 You should call the airline and ask for a refund on your ticket because you should not see this man.... for bunch of reasons. The reason that you cite, him hooking up, is one of them but not the only nor the strongest. Second reason is if he was so in love then why hasn't he bought the ticket and come to your country to be see you. Instead he is wooing you in 2,000 in some, probably, a third world country out of which he wants to escape and sees you as a ticket silly enough to pursue him!
Nor do you know anything concrete about him because all you know is the image of himself he constructed for you to fall in love with. Numerous studies show that the way people appear in the internet media is false with respect to who they are in person.
If this "relationship" hasn't happened in 3 years I think it ought never happen because that person had all that time to decide to pursue you.
I personally see lot of trouble in what you plan on doing with possibility of you being abused in some way once there. I think you should not only not go but you should drop this guy altogether because I believe he is playing you for insincere if not sinister reasons.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (21 July 2015):
 hhhmmm.. let me share my story with you and see if you see any resemblance.My boyfriend and I met on a chat site.. after talking to him for a few weeks, it was clear he had feelings for me. It was easy for me to talk to him and see us in a relationship via online. It was comfortable for me. We had yet to see each other on web cam. Everything was fine and we had no issues.... until he told me he got a ticket to come see me. Then I freaked out and started seeing so many issues with our relationship. I over exaggerated things and saw red flags here and there. It was because I felt nervous and scared to meet him.One evening, he just showed up at my house and rang the doorbell. I freaked... but went outside to meet him anyway. Since then we have met so many times. We are moving in together next year. Not saying that we don't have our issues, but I got past the fear of meeting him and we are fine. He always said that he knew, had he not shown up at my door.. our relationship will always just remain online.. because I was too scared to meet him.You've been talking to this guy for three years and never met. It really is time to see this guy in person!! I would say to go visit him as planned... it can simply be just visiting a friend.. but you definitely need to meet this guy face to face. Either to move forward in the relationship or to give yourself closure that this is not the guy for you. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2015):
 I find it odd that HE hasn't tried to visit you or you him in 3 years. THAT it actually TOOK 3 years to get to the let's met in person. Just my personal though. I can't imagine being in a SERIOUS relationship with someone I have never met. Not for 3 years. Or at least SKyped? What?
Add that fact that he is trying to pin the "blame" for HIS behavior onto all kind of BS reasons... like "he didn't think you were real" SO WTF was he doing chatting to you and pretending to be in a LDR for 3 years?! if you were not "real"? He calls YOU a catfish? Seriously? He wasted 3 years on a "catfish"?
Or that it is OK for him to cheat because YOU haven't visited him yet? WHAT? Why hasn't HE visited you?! Because he was too busy trying to find willing and available women! THAT is why.
If it was ME in this position, I'd end it now. I would NOT bother going to see him. IF he doesn't have the finances to see you NOT even ONCE in 3 years, how does that look for the future? You would have to MOVE to where he is? You would have to give up your job/family/friends? For a guy who CALLS you a "catfish"?
I think you BOTH like the fantasy of the two of you together, maybe it felt more real for you, but it certainly didn't for him.
While he MAY have deleted himself off all these websites, do you really TRUST him? And do you really see a future with him?
Sorry, I'd walk away. I'm sure I'd miss out conversations, but I would look for a man in my OWN geographical area. Someone you can spend time with IN person. Have an actual relationship with, not just a "fantasy" relationship online.
I would think LONG and hard before you decide anything. IS there even a future with him? If you look at it realistically, and not with the slightly rose tinted glasses?
I met my husband on a vacation. We were LDR for 18 months (with SEVERAL flights back and forth and a lot of e-mail and chats online) but once we decided we wanted to make it work we made plans for MAKING the LDR no longer be LD. It's a HUGE leap of faith and I don't think if I had had any doubts or he had shown he was not trustworthy (like your man) that I would have continued. I would NOT have leaped.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 July 2015):
 He is NOT worth a second chance. He should gave made better use of the first chance, he certainly had long enough.
His excuses are rubbish, like him.
He's not friend material and he's not lover or life partner material. Cut him loose while you don't care about him because it will only get harder later on.
If you choose to stick around then don't complain later on about being used by men.
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