A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:OK this is going to be a bit of a long question as I have a few issues to discuss. Firstly, a bit of background on my relationship. I met my tour guide Chinese gf last year and we stayed in regular contact by long distance (skype, msn and email). Eventually I came back to teach English and be with her (been living together since Nov last year). Fast forward to now and we have recently been talking about marriage and settling down (moving back to Australia). That's a pretty serious step and a lot of responsibility for me to handle. I want to hear from those who have been through the process of migration, visas and citizenship processes.Her current job is an international tour guide and she is often away from home for up to 5 days at a time. I occupy the time with my Chinese study and working. The current pattern is 5 days away, 2 days at home (which we sometimes make the most of), 5 days away again.Now, I am also considering what things I can and can't stand about my gf :P We are pretty happy most of the time but I've noticed some traits that get under my skin. This is where I need the advice of other women out there!Firstly, she tends to shut down when something is bothering her. I've asked her often to tell me what's bothering her but she won't. On this point, sometimes the shutting down means a lack of affection.Secondly, I understand that she is tired from her overseas trips, but I would like to spend the little time we have together just doing things together including being initimate. I'm changing a bit to become a lot more understanding of her exhaustion from the work.Thirdly, absoultely the worst thing to deal with is her anger. When something really p***es her off, she can become hostile. When it's bad enough, she'll ignore my phone calls and not want to talk to me. We were in the middle of making out when her mother almost walked in on us without knocking. She immediately got angry and turned cold. I tried to kiss her after we dealt with her mother but she said piss off and leave her alone - this is the day before she was meant to leave again. I was very upset as we hadn't really made out or had sex in nearly 10 days thanks to her working! She saw me upset and softened up. We ended up having a good night ;)The next morning she was her usual self of getting the shits and saying she didn't want to see my face. Just seems to be a reaction when she's got to go to her overseas job. She does kiss me and later texts me to say she loves me.I feel her love but sometimes when she shuts down, I take it personally and it pushes me away. I don't want to waste my life being unhappy! Yet I know that if I walked away, I'd cause a lot of damage and hurt (esp. to her mother who is living away from home to stay with us to help with the cooking while we work - she saves us a lot of money by cooking traditional chinese dishes). She's supported me when I've been between jobs and let me stay with her longer. Lately her attitude is becoming more and more in love with me through actions and words. I get invited to most of the things she does now. A couple of times I've offered to stay home and she's asked me why I won't join her with her friends.Before she used to hide me from her company and tour guide companions for fear that word would get back to her boss that she's dating a foreigner and they would be jealous and think she's going to leave the company in a short term (and will therefore not give her better work). She is getting tired of going to the same countries over and over and experiencing the complaints of her tourists. So now, she doesn't care because she wants to go to Australia sooner!But I feel nervous and a little unsure of everything still. In my heart I am still a bit insecure. To give you an idea, sometimes I'll catch myself wondering if she's looking for someone else, or that she would be happier with a Chinese bf. I want to be more confident.So here's what happened this morning: I accidentally hit the wrong button on her mbile and turned off the alarm. She was supposed to be up by 5:30. Instead she woke me up asking me what time it was. I saw the time and panicked but told her to hurry up and get up because it was 5:45 (actually it was really 6:15)!She went off her head and raced around to fly out the door and make it to work on time and not miss her flight. I have no idea of whether her tourists detected her being late or not. I felt sick to the stomach to think that she might have missed the connection which would have destroyed a lot of things! Before she left she took out the anger on me by grabbing some clothes and trying to beat me with them lol (no it didn't hurt).Later just before her flight she asked to speak to her mother. I said I was busy teaching and she hung up. I tried ringing back and she hung up on me without answering me. Also ignored my text.I tried again this evening by telling her I was so sorry and that I loved her. No response.Yep she's p***ed off and rightly so. But I would think that if we were so serious to each other, she would at least see the apology and accept it. Apparently not so.I'm tired of playing that game. I don't want a partner that holds grudges. It makes matters worse by thinking that she's in Kuta, Bali right now. Despite having to look after her tourists, there's a lot of temptation there for her in the way of other foreigners. I guess being upset with me could be the perfect excuse to forget about me and just play.Now you can see why I need to seek peace and that might mean having to live life without her. I have a right to be happy but I realise that I cannot expect love to be returned by others - cannot be dependent on others for acceptance without accepting myself first.I'm trying to chill out and give her 24 hours to calm down. No more contact for now. Does this sound normal for a 9 month relationship that is supposed to be headed for marriage? She was telling me how much she loves me and cannot afford to lose me etc. I feel those words carry truth from her but at the same time in my heart I feel like she would be happier with someone else.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 August 2010):
Hi there. She is probably tired a lot of the time, plus being isolated by having to jump on a plane and go to work as a tour guide. She might be fed up with it all.
Being tired will certainly make people less patient, so at those times you need to give her space. Maybe the withdrawing by her, is because she doesn't want to complain and appear to be a nag. Most people don't want to "dump" on their partners. After all, we all have our own problems without having to deal with someone else's as well.
Also, if she has a tight work schedule she might not have enough free time to do the fun things in life. Life for her, might be feeling like all work and no play.
It sounds a bit like she might need to have a break from it. She could take 4 weeks holiday and have a serious rethink about her work future. She needs a change of pace for sure, that seems clear.
Once she gets the work/life balance issues all settled, then think about the future, marriage, migration etc.
She won't get the balance back in her life by keeping on working in the schedule she's in now. Is it possible she could cut back on the number of trips she tourguides for? I mean working part-time instead of full-time. It's worth considering. She seems to be doing one 5-day trip away, 2 days home then away another 5 days. WOW!! She's away more than she's home. No wonder she gets moody, it's not at all surprising. It's impossible to keep that pace of living up for too long and stay happy. Eventually, she will probably start getting sick from exhaustion.
Also, outside of her work, do you go out and see shows, have dinner or the movies? Does she have any hobbies or interests? What about getting together with friends from time to time? These things all help put meaning back into life and they feed the soul.
Life needs to have purpose.
Hope this has helped you. Take care and best wishes.
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