A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for just under 4 weeks. We met on Tinder and our dates have been wonderful. At the weekend I stayed at his and we slept together a lot on saturday and once on sunday before i left. We had a wonderful romantic time. He text me all the time prior to this weekend but when I got home yesterday after being at his he was quiet. He later text me hours later to say he'd been asleep which i can understand, but today he was also quiet. I text him and he replied, but then went quiet so i asked if he was ok and he said he was fine. I became worried that he had used me for sex, so i stopped messaging him. Later on his messages picked up again so i said i was worried about his sudden change in messaging pattern. He said that he'd been feeling ill today and had been in bed on and off all day and that i have nothing to worry about, but i saw his facebook messenger log in many times throughout the day. My friend also messaged me about an hour ago to tell me he's still on Tinder (although he had last logged in 7 hours ago). I question why he is still on Tinder, I deleted mine after i met him the first time.. and i find it hurtful that he still has his profile. I feel he is still looking for other women whilst sleeping with me. I don't want to confront him about this as my friend said i'm being too anxious about it too early into the relationship, and likely means nothing. She has suggested that i leave it a few weeks (if he doesn't ditch me before then), and then ask if we are exclusive... but i feel neglected and unwanted as this weekend meant a lot to me. I don't really know how to go forward with this? I have had 2 really bad relationships in the past year (one dumped me because he wasn't ready to move on from his ex, the other lied to me about where he was from, where he lived, his job.. and had cheated with numerous exes) .. and i don't feel i can cope with another heartbreak. I don't want to ruin this relationship, if it's even that, by being too inquiring but at the same time i feel i need to know where he stands... and especially if he's actively looking for someone else...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): Hi all, thanks for your contributions (original poster here), I agree perhaps i am rushing things when there is no need to. Things seemed to improve a bit after last weekend, but i've been at his this weekend and well again... and we slept together last night and had a romantic night with wine and dinner together. Unlike last week, Sunday morning (today) we didn't have sex before i left (by my own choice, i was meeting a friend and he knew i had to go early), instead he just held me and we talked for a bit. I was a bit surprised he didn't try anything on. Anyway, again, after I left this evening he's not text me again apart from his reply when i text him to tell him i'd gotten home safely.Over the course of the week his texts picked up again, he had told me he had been ill and that's why he had seemed a bit off. He also said his mum had been asking after me and that she really liked me. I was the one to see if he wanted to do something and he suggested dinner at his which is what happened.My last relationship was emotionally abusive, he was a liar and cheat.. and i find it really hard to trust anyone. I'm expecting him to dump me at any moment. By nature, my new guy is very quiet, but i find it hard to reconcile the fact that in the beginning he was really attentive in terms of texts, he messaged me alot. At the moment he seems to sleep alot (he works nights), and i dont know if its that, he doesn't have the excuse of being ill this time. I'm going crazy over it, i feel like i'm falling for him, but i obviously don't want to if he's going to dump me at any point soon... when we are together he is wonderful and really attentive, its just the inbetween time. I'm really worried he's looking for someone else and i'm just a placeholder, but nothing other than his tinder profile (which i believe is no longer active) has given me reason to feel this way :/
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): I think you got great advice, I just wanted to add, Tinder is more like a fuck buddy app, than a dating app. Its probably better to meet people without the help of an app unless it is a legitimate dating site, like Eha rmony, lol not like okcupid, or Tinder. Best of luck!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 I have to agree you are WAY rushing things. Which might BE why you had a run in with 2 "bad relationships" because you JUMP in with both feet before you even know a guy.
MY advice TAKE the time getting to know him. Hold off on the sex a little while, go out on DATES in public, not just on his sofa. Carry on with your life as well, which means YOUR friends/family/work/school and don't drop everything for a guy. Doesn't mean you have to ignore him, but SLOW down. You can't rush a relationship. And trying to RUSH a guy? that will ONLY backfire.
It's been 4 weeks - BARELY a month.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 November 2014):
Man, you have got to relax a little... If he read this he would probably dump you right away.
Here's the thing. You have the right to demand whatever you want from whoever you want. They have the right to say yes or no.
So if you require exclusivity this early, then by all means, let him know. The reality is that you are "dating" which means "getting to know each other". You're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
So if you tell him you want to be exclusive, there's a possibility it'll scare him off... Its up to you.
But all the worrying and checking in on him is too much. You really do run the risk of ruining things, ESPECIALLY since you haven't asked him to commit (meaning he has no obligation to). I doubt it's even that though.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Whoa, woman! You've been seeing this guy for less than 4 weeks and have already had sex and now want find out if you are exclusive. You are coming on like a steamroller.
Too much too fast too soon.
Relax.
Just because you deleted your account after your first date, doesn't mean he has to as well. It was a first date. It wasn't a marriage proposal or a relationship proposal either.
He's keeping his options open, you should be doing that too. You deleted your profile after one date; obviously you have invested way more into this than is healthy at this point.
If I were you I'd stop the social network stalking stuff and wait and see. Go out with friends, get very busy with all the things you like to do and do not sit around waiting for his text.
Come on, you've known him a very short time. Having sex with him doesn't mean you two are soulmates....
Relax. Breathe. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak. Too much, too soon, too hot and heavy and too high expectations for a relationship that is less than a month old.
Great book here: A Fine Romance, Judith Sills PhD covers lots of these types of situations. I'd get it and read it cover to cover as you say you'e had 2 bad relationships in the past year. I think your expectations of how things progress may not be in alignment with the men you are dating. It doesn't mean they are bad or you are undateable, it just means that you haven't worked through some of your dating anxiety issues.
Relax. Get busy with friends. Don't be instantly available. And put your profile back on Tinder.
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