A
male
age
30-35,
*gonyunclechris
writes:My girlfriend Is controlling sexually she keeps rejecting me every time if try to have sex. It's destroying our relationship so much, I try to talk she won'tWe have sex 1time a month on her command. It is destroying my masculinityHelp me flip it around before it's too lateShe's my fiancée been together 5 years and have a house together Reply to this Question
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (21 November 2014):
 Sit down and talk to her about it, but I'm afraid it probably won't make any difference. Some women (and men) just aren't interested in sex. You could do everything in the world to woo and please her and she still might not be interested. Sorry.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Anon - you're right! It was late and I forgot to finish my thought! I meant - if they just became parents, it could be postpartum depression or the exhaustion a new mom feels. Sorry for being vague, and after reading it in the light of day, heh, it sounded like all parents are depressed sex-avoiders. Sorry about the confusion!
In almost all cases that aren't hormonal, a woman avoids sex because it's a chore, and her "finish" doesn't include orgasm. Given that in many studies, 80% of women admit to faking orgasms to get their partners to wrap it up and finish, it's no wonder there aren't more women who are eager to jump in the sack more often. And I don't blame guys for that.
How are they to know that they suck at pleasing their women if women are faking it to get it over with? Doesn't help that porn consists of women being paid to moan like a wildebeest having a 99 minute supergasm because that's what gets the viewers off who are masturbating to it.
With 10-15% of women in the same study admitting to never having had an orgasm in the first place, and 75% of women never receiving pleasure from intercourse itself, and you can see how sex for a woman like this would become a messy, sticky, fumbling chore. Add to that the oral or anal or other kinds of sex designed to please the man, and many women avoid it altogether like a chore they put off...like cleaning the microwave.
I mean face it - the moment a guy has an ED episode in bed is usually the moment where he'll stop sex no matter which state the woman is in. Imagine if that happened all the time, and guys never orgasmed from sex. Even now when they're getting a "payoff" of relief at the end, many will shave every minute of foreplay once the relationship becomes comfortable. But the paradox is - the male ego loves the thought of making a girl scream in bed, which is good. But if the screams are fake ones, how will they know their woman is thinking about getting it out of the way?
Both men and women can be lazy in bed. A woman who fakes it cheats herself out of a massive shot of well-being. You owe it to yourself and her to learn about true lovemaking until you're both virtuosos. If she is unwilling, do not fall back into the same pattern for your next girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 November 2014):
 IF it has always been like this, then it's probably a case of mismatched sex drives and NOTHING can fix that.
IF it's NEW behavior...then we have something to work with.
Is she on BCP? If so that could cause her to have no drive.
I agree with the idea of not asking for sex for as long as possible and waiting to see what she does.
Be attentive.
BE affectionate if she will let you (she may not thinking that affection is being used to lead to sex)
do not ask for sex
do not mention it.
no grabbing her boobs or ass...
no innuendo
no teasing.
keep a journal and note her reactions over time...see what happens.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2014):
 WOW... I could have written this, a couple of years ago...
So... now I claim to be the expert in such matters, so will repeat to you my mantra, in this regard: If two people cannot reconcile the sexual/intimate part of their lives together... then their "relationship" is doomed to failure.....
Give it (her) about 5 minutes to come up with the solution that you want... and, when she fails to do so... tell her it's time for you and her to figure out how to divide your common assets. (At least, I had the sense to make a partnership agreement for those assets that we INVESTED IN, in-common... and our homes were not involved....)
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 When a woman calls the shots, it normally because the man is not doing his job as a man, and she feels she has to step up and do it for him. In every relationship, someone must be the leader. And by that I do not mean a bossy person who gets their own way all the time. Some men are comfortable having the woman lead, other are not. When you have a alpha male and and alpha female, this is where you run into problem like yours. The problem is however not always your girlfriends fault, it's also yours.There is a lesson to be learnt as a good leader...PRIDE. That is the first thing you have to get out of your life. Pride will destroy anyone and any relationship. Your pride as a man is being hurt, and you feel your manhood is being destroyed. You must learn to be humble, gentle, and kind. A good leader uses wisdom to lead, not masculinity. Your girlfriend is like a strong wall, and you are pushing against it, and losing. A wise man will go through the gate...Her heart.Sex for most men is sticking it in and humping her brains out...Yeah baby!!! That is for boys and animals. Your penis is to finish off a woman, not start her up. If you are done before she gets started... you lose. Your woman must be ready to lose her mind before you stick it in. By that I mean, you have turned her on with your Mouth, tongue, teeth, hands, the moon, clouds, and every other way possible. Meaning...You have WORKED hard to do your job as a MAN.Do not expect her coming for sex if your have not given her a reason to come get it. Want all the sex you can handle??? Give her what you CANNOT buy in a store...EVERYDAY.If you are just looking for sex, then you do not need to be in a relationship. If you truly love her, then you will take the TIME...EVERY TIME... to make sure she is looked after by her MAN.To change any relationship, you must first change YOURSELF. You cannot ask someone to be different while you stay the same. I am sure your girlfriend has said things to you that she would like you to change. But of course you won't because you see her as the problem. It is so easy to point your finger at the other person and say "they are driving me crazy!" Ask yourself this..."What am I doing to make my relationship the best it can be? What am I doing to add to the problems in my relationship?"A woman will have sex with you everyday "if" you touch her heart. She will let you lead "if" she feels you are ready to make wise decisions for both of you.Remember this...You are no longer looking after your needs, your thoughts, your feelings, your wants, your pleasures. These are things a wise leader takes into account every day. You cannot do any of that if you are full of your own pride...Humble yourself, put her needs first, and she will put your needs first.It's called "Do onto others as you would want them to do for you."
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Sorry, but there's no flip to this. This is who she is. You should re-evaluate the relationship, because things will NOT get better. They truly will not. This is who she is, and it's already destroying you. You should not marry her, you will not be happy.
There is no fix for this. She probably does not do this to control you, or punish you. She rejects you because she does not want sex, period. She has a very low sex drive, and doesn't want it, simple as that. It is not something you, or her, or even a doctor, can change.
It is hard to hear this, I am sure you love her, and I am sure she loves you. But you and her are NOT sexually compatible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): For some people once a month is plenty. For most it's not enough. Especially if you guys are so young. But there are no rules when it comes to sex. Some men also are not very much int sex believe Igor not. They can easily have sex once a month and be satisfied with it.
I think it's time for a serious conversation.
By the way it has nothing to do with your masculinity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 November 2014):
 First of all, not having sex whenever you want, isn't going to destroy your masculinity. It might "destroy" your libido and your level of "love" for this girl, but masculinity? no.
If she refuses to talk about it, I have to agree you have to consider taking being "engaged" off the table. Because getting married will NOT change how she feels. You might even see even LESS sex after marriage.
When you two HAVE sex (that one time a month) does she enjoy it? Or does she do it solely for YOUR benefit? Is she bored in bed? Does she get off at all? In the 5 years has she ALWAYS seemed to have a very low libido or is this new?
Having a house together doesn't mean life is set in stone, and you will just have to suck it up.
The more you KEEP asking for sex, the more she is pushing you away. So my suggestion? NO sex, no asking for sex for 30 days. Not a hint. IF she doesn't come to you, then SIT her down and TELL her that you are unhappy with things as they are. Refusing to talk isn't GOING to fix it. Not for you, not for her.
This may be a case of not having "sexually compatibility".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): Have you asked her why she doesn't want sex? If not then how do you expect to resolve it, maybe you don't give enough foreplay. P.s. You wish they can have depression even if they're not parents
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2014):
Early 20's and you're only at once per month??
I think if you were smart, you won't marry her. Unless she's eager to change and do whatever it takes to, nothing will change.
If you've tried to talk this out and she won't, then you are sexually incompatible and it WILL NOT get better.
I wonder if she's got depression, which is possible if you're parents (you didn't mention if you were).
This is the problem with buying shared assets while not being married. You now need to get out of this relationship, yet you have to deal with the legal and financial ramifications of dual ownership of a house without the protecting blanket of marriage.
But, unless you want 10 more years of misery, it's time for you to talk and her not to. Tell her that you are unhappy in this relationship, that she won't listen, so you need to move on.
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