A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 5 years, I'm 27 and our relationship has lasted over eight years. When I was younger I didn't think I'd ever want kids. All of a sudden I can't stop thinking about having a child. My husband doesn't, and I feel guilty for wanting something now that I said I didn't 5 years ago. I'm also mad that I've matured and I really want a family. I feel like he is stopping me. How do I handle this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (3 May 2008):
 I once had a girlfriend. After we split up she found a new guy and they got married. Both of them were over 30. In their case it was the husband who really wanted children and my ex didn't. I don't know what arguments he used, but eventually he convinced her to have a child. After the first one she went on to have a second one!
I think it's possible to talk the other partner into it, but it takes gentle persuasion and love. I know that this is not very helpful to you, but I don't think you have to give up completely. I hope you manage to find a way to convince him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): Have you thought about babysitting or some other job that involves children? That is the closest thing to a compromise I can think of. The two of you entered this relationship with the understanding that there would be no children. Do you think you could change your mind back? Having a child with someone who dosen't want one could easily lead to a neglected child or you as a single parent. Think through what made you change your mind and if having a child is more important than being with your husband. I'm sorry but I don't see any way for you to have both.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 May 2008):
 This is very difficult.
I don't know how old your husband is, or whether he doesn't want children ever, or just for the time being.
I will assume your husband is somewhat older than you, and, also, that he doesn't want children ever. I will do this because 1) I know some 27-year olds don't want children, but I know that many others do want them; and 2) because if he were saying that you could have them later, maybe you would be more willing to wait.
It seems you had an understanding that you wouldn't have children. In this sense, your husband is right in saying he won't have children. However, any man with a little brain wouldn't have expected a 22 year old woman to really know that she didn't want any children ever. And any man with a little brain could understand why you have changed your mind.
Having children (one or more than one) is a point in which you can't really negotiate. One party has to give in. There is more room for maneuver, I guess, when the discussion is about how many children. But things get more complicated when it's about having children, one or more than one.
If I had been given a chance with you, poster, I would have assumed you would want children at some point. If your husband is older, I guess we can't criticize him about not wanting children (that's his choice and he informed you in advance), but we can consider him a little too imprudent.
I don't want to be too light about this, but, when the issue is having children, you can either stay with your partner (who doesn't want children) or leave. No middle ground, I'm afraid.
How to handle this: think what you would rather do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): We all change as we get older and I think it's sweet that you wan't children. I think maybe you said you didn't before because you were not ready. So the problem is your husband dose not want kids and thought that you never would want them ethier. You can try to talk him into it. Tell him how much it would mean to you.Is your husband good with kids? Would he make a good father these ae also questions you need to ask yourself.Maybe he dose not want children because he thinks he would not be a good parent. In that cause he should know that all we can do is try are best to give our children love and a good life to the best of are abilities.And no one knows what they are doing but they learn as they go. I wish you luck and hope you can change his mind children are a blessing.
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