A
male
age
41-50,
*t109
writes:Hi,I'm just wondering what people make of this, because I feel so angry when I think about it and I need to off load.2 years ago now, met a girl while out. It was like love at first sight if you know what I mean. We went on a date and it was like we were made for each, we hit it off straight away and were very attracted to one another. So much so, we went on 3 dates in one long weekend.Anyway, after another few weeks and a few more dates, I noticed she would be happy and bubbly the suddenly quiet and almost totally withdrawn. She would also seem to be in a hurry to get home. I thought she was going off me, but then she would txt saying she really enjoys being with me and can't wait to see me again. Then we would arrange another date. One date however she cancelled on me hours before saying she doesn't feel well. I thought it was the classic letting me down gently excuse. However she would still text me over the next week saying how I'm the most beautiful, sweet man ever, etc and other flattering things.After another few weeks of not seeing each other I "had it out" with her. She then said she can't have a "normal" relationship with me because of problems. She stressed several times it is nothing to do with not being attracted to me, she still gets butterflies when she thinks about it, but she needs to sort herself out.Eventually, she admitted she suffers from depression and one side of it gives her low self esteem to the point she didn't feel worthy of being with me. I reassured her, and offered help so she said she can't see me, but really values me being there for her and that's all the help she needs. I made it very easy for her to "let me go" if she didn't find me attractive in the same way any more, but she insisted it was absolutely nothing to do with that, just her problems.Anyway, this went on for over a year!! Keeping very friendly by text and one or two "dates" that were kept to a drink and a meal. But one day, she suddenly said in a text she really values my friendship. When I asked about what she meant by friendship she didn't reply. After another few weeks I noticed contact become less and less. Then I asked her again, she then crushed me admitting things had developed between her and a friend of a friend. She now had a boyfriend.I was furious and felt totally used. Like she had used me to make herself feel good and when something better had come along and felt it was going places she wrote me off. So a few weeks before Christmas I told her this. She said she thinks a lot of me, but this is no longer friendship and not to contact her again. I was livid!!! Nearly 1.5 years of being in touch being there for her, and she can just cut me off with one text message. I kept my anger to myself and wished her a good Christmas and New Year and she completely ignored me. In the New Year I sent a text asking how Christmas went and if she is okay. Again completely ignored me.I get so angry thinking about it. I know I was stupid waiting around that amount of time for someone and not dating properly, but I honestly believed she had problems and I just wanted to help her.I'm so disappointed she can cut me off like that.
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male
reader, rt109 +, writes (19 January 2014):
rt109 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies.
There seems to be two camps - one she messed me about, so she's to blame, and the other it was basically due to her depression and I'm to blame.
She did not tell me she suffered depression until near the end, just before she started using the word friends. For over a year she gave the me the understanding I was a lot more than a friend. So for over a year, I thought it was just 'hot and cold', and the 'cold' was due to a problem, but I did not have a clue what that problem was. She didn't tell me. It was so unclear I thought it was anything from having a really bad time at work, not over an ex, problems at home, anything. Whatever it was, for some stupid reason I thought I could help.
So, if it was depression and my very little understanding of the subject like Wiseowl and 'anonymous' said have caused me to make her feel worse by somehow pressuring her and pushing her away, I'm sorry for that.
May be it would have been extremely difficult for her to be straight with me from the start about what the problem was, but it would have saved all this time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): Yes, this woman was insensitive. And I would have to agree with some aunts and say she was most likely using you as an emotional crutch... You listened to her problems and put up with her idiosyncrasies...you probably made her feel safe and secure when other mens' attentions felt overwhelming.
But, I'm not convinced your intentions were as pure as your statement about "honestly believing she had problems and I just wanting to help her." You had an endgame in mind about being more than a friend and that's probably what spooked her.
She probably does have self esteem issues...but I think the reason she broke it off was that she realized at some point, especially when you forced the issue with a question about your friendship, that "friendship" was not an end for you.
Why did she not want a kind and attractive person like yourself to love her? Love for insecure or depressed people can be a lot to take on. It can be an overwhelming burden of expectations. I don't know her and I'm guessing: but I'd suspect the reason she avoided you was the same reason some men sleep with women they wouldn't speak to after the fact: It's a higher stakes game being intimate with people you respect and admire. It's a lower stakes game fucking around with people who you know you have nothing to lose to.
You've got a right to be disappointed...you invested a lot of time and attention caring for a person who decided they didn't want to reciprocate. If a "friend" cut me off out of the blue, I'd be heart broken. The thing is, I think you know you never wanted to be just friends and she was very aware of this as well. That's probably why she hung out when you didn't force the issue and why she disappeared when she did...And it's probably why you feel angry and used instead of heartbroken...you had disappointed expectations. She avoided having to fulfill them.
Just try to learn from it. Be more straight forward about your intentions with women and they don't reciprocate or make an effot, don't be afraid to disappear as well.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, coolguy100  +, writes (19 January 2014):
That's how women are sadly, you will have too shrug it off and move on. Same thing happened to me last year and believe me the universe will one day take out the trash; she will get what's coming to her. May not be today, tomorrow, or even this year, but it will happen eventually, by her own fault. She seems like a nut so be thankful for this gesture of her going silent. All women are a nuts when you think about it; it's just finding the one who is a little less nutty than the rest. Good luck on your search and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 January 2014):
 Sorry about all the typos. I'm using my phone.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 January 2014):
I'm sorry that happened to you. I know that has to be really frustrating. I got frustrated just reading your post.
It sounds as though you have it pretty spot on. That she used you until someone "better" came along. it sucks that she couldn't just be honest with you and let you know that she wasn't into the relationship the way that you were.
I think in her mind, she was trying not to hurt you by not telling you she wasn't feeling it when you have her the chance. I think she was just hoping you'd get the hint. Which is unfair, because it left you on the hook and you didn't move on line you should have. This could have all been avoidable had she not just told the truth rather than trying to spare your feelings - because she hurt them day more in the end.
Stay pissed for a while. It will hopefully motivate you to move on. She handled this situation wrong and you didn't deserve it. You're on more step closer to finding Ms. Right. Keep your head up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): I am 100% in agreement with WiseOwlE here. You clearly know very little about depression. It's a shame how many people are so dismissive of a legitimate mental illness.I'm sorry, but what exactly did this girl do wrong? She told you she can't have a normal relationship with you. YOU decided to wait around for a year and a half. YOU decided to keep pushing her as she repeatedly told you that she had her own problems that she was working through. She said she values you being there for her and that's all the help she needs...instead of just continuing to be there for her, like she wanted, why on Earth would you "make it easy" for her to "let you go" if she "doesn't find you attractive" anymore??? Since you don't understand depression, let me put that in terms you relate to. Imagine there was a woman you enjoyed jogging with. You jogged together every day. One day, she breaks her leg and can't jog for awhile. Would you "make it easy for her" to "let you go" if she just doesn't want to jog with you anymore? That's the equivalent of what you did here. Not only does it not help, it probably makes thing worse.You know what else makes things worse? Rather than taking it as a compliment when somebody tells you they value your friendship, freaking out about it and asking them what they mean by friendship...not once, but twice. And then you're...ugh, furious and feeling used when she tells you she's dating someone else?? What, exactly, did she do to make you feel like she wasn't going to date somebody else? Was it telling you that she can't have a normal relationship with you? Was it telling you that she can't see you? Was it saying she values your FRIENDSHIP? Was it the sporadic text conversations and "one or two" meals you had together in over a year? What, exactly, made you think she was committed to you? Just because you, in your mind, committed to her? She's supposed to just love madly in love with you because you've spent so much time on her, even though she not only didn't ask you to do this but told you not to? That's not how it works. The fact that you are furious over her dating somebody else is absolutely ludicrous, and I'm not going to get into the "feeling used" nonsense because, again, you clearly don't understand depression, and if I did try to express my feelings on that my answer almost certainly would not get posted and I'd probably be banned from this site. That's how pissed off that makes me.You seem to also be caught up on the fact that she ended it with one text message. Well, yeah! Instead of getting angry at her, have you spent any time looking at what you did to cause this? How would you feel if you were dating a woman and you were trying to take it slow because you have your own problems but she decides to "have it out" with you after just a few weeks...so you tell her you can't have a normal relationship with her because of your problems, but she continues to pursue you, telling you that she's there to help but not helping at all, incessantly making you re-assure her that she's not the problem even though you're having enough trouble dealing with your own problems without dealing with hers too, and then even when you try to give her an innocent compliment she freaks out and asks you what it means TWICE, and even though you like being friends with her she has the nerve to get FURIOUS at you when you find another woman you want to date! What would you do? Would you want to keep being friends with a person like this? I sure as hell wouldn't! Yeah, you were "there for her" for a year and a half. You know what? Sometimes being "there for" someone isn't a good thing. She clearly needed space and you never gave it to her. Seriously, the last part says it all. She told you DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN, and what do you do? YOU TEXT HER! When she "ignores" that, although I'm not sure how you "ignore" somebody you've told there would be more contact with, what do you do? YOU TEXT HER AGAIN! At least the first one didn't have a question in it! Shockingly, she "ignored" that one too.Look, I'm sorry, but this is all on you. I'm surprised there's not another question on this site from a woman saying "Help! This guy I used to be friends with kept pushing me and pushing me when I needed space, then freaked out on me when I started dating someone else even though not only were we not in a serious relationship we weren't in a relationship at all, and now he won't leave me alone even though I came out and explicitly told him not to contact me again! How can I get him to leave me alone?"Could she have handled this a little better? Maybe, obviously I don't know the exact details of everything that was said and done here. But, either way, she has a legitimate mental illness that makes certain things very difficult for her. What's your excuse? You could have moved on a year and a half ago when she said she couldn't have a normal relationship with you. You could have given her the space she clearly needed. You could have not kept incessantly pressuring her when she clearly had a lot on her plate already and you could have not had such unreasonably high expectations for what your relationship was when clearly she didn't feel the same way. You could have not reacted so irrationally when she started dating someone else. You could have respected her request that you LEAVE HER ALONE! That last part seriously just blows me away, and it honestly says it all. Believe me, I'm sure she was just as disappointed as you when you kept pestering her to the point that she had no choice but to cut it off.I'll admit that I'm speaking from experience here. I've had to change my number (because they just get a new number when you block them) to get rid of guys like this. No matter how nice a person is, no matter how attracted you are to them or how much you enjoy being around them...nothing is more awkward and uncomfortable than dealing with a guy who just won't take a hint, no matter how obvious you make it. Eventually you just have to cut it off completely, and even then they usually don't leave you alone. It's the worst.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 I don't think she used you, OP. I do think she was sincere and did feel strongly for you, but she became easily overwhelmed. A relationship carries a lot of expectations and I think she believes she needs more space than a normal relationship will allow.
Leave it alone. You've already contacted her too many times, especially after being told not to contact her again. She needs you to either leave her alone or let her take the lead and allow whatever may come happen at her pace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): Well don't sweat it anymore. You sound like a nice, caring and patient chap and she sounds like an attention seeking, highly strung madam who will no doubt realise at some point in the future that she made a right balls up by messing you about. By that point, I sincerely hope it's too late for her and you're already way ahead and onto pastures new. Don’t get me wrong, I'm not disputing that she had depression nor am I playing down how bad depression can be (I know how it is – trust me) but what I am saying is that the depression is no excuse for arsing you around deliberately and over such a long period of time.When I read your post, I honestly thought we were talking about a couple of young teens because that would be pretty consistent with a teenage girl suffering from the who bundle of crapness that goes with the territory. I'm gathering from your age range between 30-35 that she's also a grown woman in her 30's in which case, makes her behaviour even worse.She's toyed with you, played about as and when it suits and then blatantly rubbed salt into the wound by claiming to “value your friendship” even though her behaviour says otherwise. I'm sure she knew that you hoped there might be something more and I'm sure she enjoyed knowing she need only whistle and you'd be there because of your kind nature but she sure as shit didn't “value your friendship”.You don't treat your friends like that whether there's mental health or romantic / emotional issues. That's just called being an arsehole. Don't dwell on this anymore. Seriously. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and thank God you didn't end up landed with her for good. There's someone out there far more deserving of your time and patience.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2014):
 I don't blame you for feeling used. My guess is she was "crushing" on the "friend of a friend" for QUITE a while and when she found out she could have him, she jumped ship but didn't have the courtesy or respect to dump you first.
Remember that you can not CONTROL what others do. That goes for her too. What you CAN control is how you ACT and behave.
So my advice, BLOCK her from your life, move on and accept that she DID use you and that is ON HER. Not at all your fault.
Depression or not, what she did to you was wrong, but that doesn't mean anything YOU did was.
She DID have problems. My guess is she has done it before and will do it again.
Let he go, move on and next time you meet a girl if she seems "too much work" or not quite stable, then maybe walk away sooner. Love can't fix depression.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): You need to read up on depression and the symptoms. It is an emotional disorder. Getting angry is not how you handle it; and it shows how uninformed you are.
She truly did like you, she may even have loved you. If you know nothing about depression, you don't have a clue what you would be in for. There are varying degrees of illness, and there may be other psychological complications as well.
All you know is what you see on the surface.
It must have been very difficult to reveal her illness. It is often a deal-breaker for some guys; but she also tried to explain to you that her issues were so severe, she didn't believe she was capable of handling a relationship.
She may not be able to offer you what you deserve. She may not be well enough handle the stress of a highly emotionally relationship. She sensed your building anger and frustration with her behavior; it only raised her anxiety. Thus, she cut all ties and contact.
You are obviously a very nice guy. The depression may not matter to you; but you don't seem to understand anything about it. So you dismiss all the possible ramifications.
She didn't. She may even be on anxiety medications that will never allow her to have children. You sound like you were getting pretty serious.
You simply dismissed her attempt to explain, and offer you the option to leave on your own free will. You persisted in pursuing her; until she had no choice but to cut you loose.
Please don't be angry with her. She has issues that may prevent her from forming a committed and functioning relationship. She may have lost someone for this very reason.
You may have fallen deeply for her, and even contemplated marriage. She wouldn't have carried things as far as she had; if she truly didn't want to. She unfortunately reached the limit of her ability to handle things; before she realized it was just too much. She sacrificed her own feelings and needs, to protect yours.
I hope you'll understand and give it some thought. Try and forgive her if you can. I do understand your feelings. I know how it feels to be dumped after investing your time, effort, and feelings. Truly I do.
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