A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my supposed boyfriend and I got into a small argument the other day and like always, it turned into a huge mess. We've been off and on for almost a year now. He was at the end of a marriage with the mother of his kids when we got together, which I know is always a bad situation, but we couldn't leave each other alone. However, every little thing sends him running back to "their" house. Like, he doesn't want me to meet his kids, which is fine I guess, but he's met mine and sat here with them all the time, like basically moved in on several occasions. Last week I was upset, and perhaps you can coin it insecure. Because he goes there every day, several times a day, always there visiting with his kids. I understand that he's a dad. That's not my issue. It's more than that. Like I don't have a washer and dryer right now because I moved into a house that requires stackups, so he goes there to do his laundry. I didn't make dinner the other night and so he said he was stopping there on his way to work to eat something. For the past few months he has lived there and came to visit me, though claimed they were broken up. I was ready to call it off when finally he decided a few weeks ago to move in with me. He continued to go there daily, like always on the phone discussing things with his ex, barely talking to me about anything going on. Like when he's here, we hardly talk about anything. he doesnt cuddle, always on his phone, but when its going good its going great. we have a really strong connection. Last friday when he got paid he left and went there at 10 am and about 5pm I got upset and texted him that this isnt going to work without communication. He came by and got his stuff, like he wasn't hesitant about it at all. and went and has been staying back there ever since. I get that they are on good terms and are over. I really dont feel she has any reason to respect our relationship, obviously she doesnt like me. but its been four days and i havent seen him. he just keeps texting me like hes trying to work it out with me, but like he doesnt ever talk to me when we're face to face. its like every last issue turns into him taking his stuff, moving back in there, and texting through it with me from her couch. should I not be pissed off about this? I just feel that its basic respect not to run to the exes house and stay the night several nights in a row if youre suppose to be working on something with me. like everything I say gets stretched. maybe i am being irrational, but like he'll be on his phone like literately all day, and if I say something about it, then i must have an issue with the phone altogether. Or if i think its inappropriate for him to have sleep overs there, im trying to come between him and his kids. all i wanted was a little reassurance or for him to talk to me that way im not sitting around assuming all of the time, and I told him that, yet he still left with his stuff. he said i was trying to tell him where he could or could not go. the only place he goes is there and its practically all day every day. I mean, they arent together. hes posted on my facebook, hes made it clear that they arent. but still, im like walking on egg shells with the guy. we cant even have basic relationship discussion without either me sucking it up, or him up and leaving to go there. and then when he gets there, he sits on the phone texting me as though hes devasted we split up! Ive been laying in this bed for a few days now crying and listening to loud cars go by. its never him. he only texts from her place when we have an issue. how can we ever have an actual relationship like this?
View related questions:
facebook, his ex, insecure, moved in, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 January 2016):
 I agree fully with Eddie and WiseOwlE
He is neither here nor there. When she kicks him out he comes to you, when you get mad he goes there...
You each have LESS than half a man.
You have included HIM into your life, your family.. HE has NOT included you. His excuse is "messy divorce".
How healthy do you think this is for YOUR children to watch? To be part of this 3 ringed drama llama circus?
Think of them, then you will know what to do. I hope.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 January 2016):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this.I have news for you on this one: get used to it. When a man has kids with someone else, the other woman is ALWAYS going to be in the picture. That's just a fact since they share kids together and that often means going to teacher-parent conferences, graduations, sporting events, or other family functions. Sadly that is part of being a step-parent - and having trust that you will play an important role in his life.Unfortunately, you are sharing your man and this realization is hitting you hard. His kids are likely his #1 priority. Juggling one's kids and a new love is a tough business and only a few people can do both without alienating one party or another (if it is even possible). It certainly sounds like you've been getting the short end of the stick.Another concern is that you are his first love since getting out his marriage. And, he didn't really get closure from the first one. Some thoughts that may be roving around in his head:1) Maybe I left too soon? For the sake of the kids, maybe I should try a bit harder. Child support and being an off-site dad isn't what it is cracked up to be.2) I really wish I could've played the field a bit more. Maybe (your name here) isn't the one I am really destined for.3) I would really like to be alone for a bit and let the dust settle. Emotionally I am exhausted.It is hard for me to tell you what to do. My guess is that you both need a cooling off period and let him figure out what he wants out of his life and whether you are a part in it. I urge you to be patient but definitely give him the freedom to make that decision. My hope is that if it doesn't look like it will work out, you are able to get out now versus years from now when things are more complicated and you are more emotionally invested.Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2016): He's in-between homes and families. He takes no real responsibility for either; and feels if he makes a daily appearance it will appease his ex, and she will not pressure him for child-support. It's an old trick.
He's a roving daddy! A couch-hopping nomad.
He prefers her cooking, and shuttles his ass back and forth for that home atmosphere he was basically kicked out of. He uses his kids as the excuse; but he's still holding on to his family, and buttering-up his ex.
You're the piece on the side, a getaway from the humdrum of fatherhood. Your kids are just tolerated. You keep his ex competing; because she hasn't really let go. It's quite convenient for him. He's exploiting the entire situation.
Has he ever offered to take the Brady Bunch to a movie, or a family-outing to allow them to get to know each other?
No!
Why? Because you caught him on the rebound; and that's where you stand with him. You're only temporary. A place to go when his ex tires of his face, or demands too much.
You're a couch to sleep on, cheap or free rent; and he's hoping his ex-wife might have a change of heart and take him back.
You wrote a page-full of complaints.
When it's good it's good, huh? How often is that? Where was he when you wrote all this?
You know what you have to do!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 January 2016):
 Your supposed boyfriend is with you because he can't live with baby momma full time. Maybe she has a boyfriend too and whenever she's with him, he's with you. It's dreadful to not have a stable address but I guess for whatever reason it works for him, until he can find or afford a new place for himself. I bet if you start charging him rent whenever he's at your place, he won't bother with you anymore. I don't think he's in the mindset of committing to a relationship and making a woman happy. It's more of having a roof over his head at night time. His ex likes this power play over him too. She probably threatened him that if he lets you meet his kids, then he can't see them anymore. He needs his financial situation and child custody sorted out, before he can even think about relationships.
Of course you can't leave each other alone (sarcasm). He has to be sweet so you can take him in right?
...............................
|
