A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend, we have been together for 9 months and get along great, but sometimes I feel that he doesn’t respect my time and is flaky. Or maybe I’m just too inflexible and put too much weight on his idea of “plans”. This happens all the time, pretty much every time we go to hang out. For instance, one day he’ll say something like “see you tomorrow?” and ask what I have going on, and I’ll say “yep, I’ll call you when I get off work”. To me, this sounds like a plan. So I’ll plan my day around it. That day I did my makeup before work and made sure to shave because I knew I would be seeing him that night. When I got off work at 5 I called him and he didn’t pick up. I went home and ate dinner, but didn’t want to go anywhere or start a task incase he called back. So I started watching TV and finally he called me at 7:30 saying he was getting in from out of town and asked me if I wanted to get dinner with him and his friends. I said I had already eaten, and he said he would call once he was done. He never called and finally at 10 I texted him goodnight. He replied, “when can I see you tomorrow?” I have no idea why he thought it would be okay to go out of town without letting me know that our plans had changed. If this were a one-time incident I would be much more forgiving, but as I said it happens often. Another example, the other day I thought we had planned to hang out after I got out of school, so I called him at 3 and he said he just had to finish up some laundry and shower and he’d call. I planned to meet someone briefly to give them one of my textbooks at 6, and I needed to leave at 5:30. My boyfriend FINALLY called as I was leaving. I didn’t think it would take him 2 1/2 hours to call back. We talked about my issues with this that night, and I felt like he understood but he has continued to put off seeing me and change his plans without telling me that ours have changed too.It really bothers me because I like to plan things so I know if I should shower that day, shave, do my hair/makeup (right, ladies?). Also, I am constantly avoiding going places or starting tasks thinking that he will call at any time. It is a huge waste of my time to be waiting on him and when I don’t end up seeing him, I regret the effort I put into my appearance and the wasted evening I carved out for him. I cry a lot when I am waiting for him to call because I feel like an idiot waiting by the phone. If a friend flaked out on me like this consistently, I would not put up with it. It makes me so angry at him when I am sitting there for hours so if I do end up seeing him, I am infuriated! Sometimes I’ll put off eating because I think we have dinner plans, and then the keep getting put off and by the end of the night I’m starving. I’d rather he just cancel on me.What can I do about this? Should I learn to be more flexible? Should I approach him about this again? My current way of dealing with this is to get angry and avoid him, which I realize is not healthy but I feel very disrespected. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with his wishy-washy-ness and think I should just end it. But I really love and care for him and I know he feels the same way for me, even though his communication and plan-making don’t show it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): You say you feel very disrespected. I think you are disrespecting yourself and your life. Stop waiting by the phone. Start living again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): You are putting your life in hold all the time. His vagueness is controlling you. You are putting your needs second place! Next time he says "see you tomorrow ?" reply with "Maybe I'm not sure what my plans are yet" That is the truth. Then just get on and plan your evening with friends or just stay in pampering yourself or anything you love doing. He puts himself first all the time. That should tell you something... I'm pretty sure as soon as you start doing that he will either sit up take notice that you're not hanging around waiting on his every move and be more proactive or he will disappear into the vague pit for good.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2016):
 Some people (especially immature and flaky ones) just happen to be like this. They don't do it to be cruel or play games, they're just irresponsible and spontaneous and don't understand the concept of making plans and then keeping them.
You're MUCH too vague when you "plan" things with him. MUCH TOO VAGUE! With people like him you NEED to be precise! For example, at what time should you meet up? Be SPECIFIC. In the case of you meeting him after work, don't ever say "see you tomorrow, call you after work" because that is NO PLAN in the ears of these type of people. You saying that just means this to them "I'll see you when I see you, and Ill call you when I call you, then we'll see what happens". Which is EXACTLY what happened, was it not?
Him calling you, at an unspecific time SOMETIME after he's done with his chores and stuff just means this: call me back after you're done doing whatever you're doing. His doing things took him 2 and a half hour. Apparently. If you wanted him to call you back sooner you should have said "Call me back in an hour". Or "call me back in 30 minutes please".
Sorry, but this is what you've got to do with these types of people. Ive been in a relationship with a man like this for 3 years, I know what Im talking about. The "common courtesy" or common decency or common knowledge of communication is NOT known to them. I mean by boyfriend and I were long distance for a period of our relationship and he didn't even understand why I wanted him to call me IN ADVANCE when he was coming to my town for the weekend! He'd just show up after having already spent half the weekend with his friends and ask me if I wanted to hang out after not having seen him in two weeks!!! They don't get it! And he said he felt he had to "rapport" to me when I asked about this sort of information in advance. So really, this type of person does NOT understand what it means, trust me. They have no idea. You must ask for very specific times and places to meet, and set the rules of communication clear and write them down so they can remind themselves of what you expect of them.
Or, just stop seeing him and start dating someone with communication skills more close to your own, and then none of this will ever be a problem again. Or, continue to date him and go nuts after 3 years like I did. It does not get better in time.... It gets worse....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2016): In a nutshell, you're incompatible. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face. He's a free-wheeler, and you're structured.
You can't change him, so change boyfriends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2016): ahh, I hear you. My husband was like that and still is.
He would make dates with me when we were dating and show up 2 hours later. Then i was so much in love that i forgave him, now iw ould not put up with it.
Do not wait up for him. 20 minutes rule and then you are free to do what ever. And then you will see how it goes. If because of that you wont see each other for weeks, then its time to find different boyfriend
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 January 2016):
Unfortunately, mind reading isn't a known skill and though being perceptive is a good quality, I do not think it comes in this age group.
In your first paragraph, the indications of plan are "see you tomorrow?" and "I'll call you after work". There are no fixed plans here and if no times are given then anyone would assume any time is fine. Also, did you ask him what he would be doing the next day? Seems weird you didn't know about his day.
It is 9 months into the relationship so I would let a lot of stuff go. People mature as they grow and if you have an issue, you should talk about it and say exactly what he can do to correct the issue. I only see "assumptions" and "expectations" and this isn't healthy for you because it will only keep you to a disappointed level. Guys don't see the annoyance in your eyes, or the pout of your face, all we hear is "ok" then we think all is fine.
Communication works both ways and I am sure he fills your emotional needs, you would just have to reach him the other half to help him understand what exactly it is you want. You said you liked to plan but guys and girls go about planning things differently so take that into consideration. If you had to leave at 5:30, then just tell him when he needs to be there for you at 5:30 or what ever time you needed him.
Also, do not grow the habit of being silent. When you do not voice your concerns properly then you create the habit of allowing him to change plans.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): I dated someone like this and when I finally pushed them and had the conversation about why they kept messing me about, he admitted he wasn't that into me and dumped me. I later found out he liked some other girl. It was very upsetting for me but looking back when I was waiting for the phone to ring it was so obvious my ex wasn't bothered about me. My bf now would just never do that, sometimes plans change or things happen but you just let someone know. You can't see how much something sucks without hindsight! I hope you can move on from this dude and find someone who appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 I think you are more in to this relationship than he is. You say he loves you, but if he truly loved you then he would put you first, he would not keep you waiting and he would stick to his plans, if something came up he would let you know straight away. He is just not considerate of your feelings at all.
Maybe he is still at an age where he just wants to take life as it comes and not have to worry about making plans or having to stick to a schedule. You have already took this up with him but he has still failed to change, therefore it is up to you where you go from here now, either you are happy to be with him like this or else it is time to show him how serious this is and how much it is upsetting you.
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