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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi all, I went through a difficult time recently with thyroid cancer that was surgically removed and followed up with radioactive iodine. During this time, I felt my family wasn't really supportive and there for me. If it wasn't for my boyfriend who was there, I don't know what I would have done. My brother was too worried about his work to come to the hospital much and my father left after the op when I was puking after coming round from the general anaesthesia and asked him not to leave me (I was also groggy and scared). Then, to add insult to injury, my family writes off what I went through, claiming that it was not in fact cancer. This just adds insult to injury! Now it's been a few months since all this happened, but I'm not over it and it's bugging me. I feel angry and hurt about it. I don't know how to move past it. Thanks for your help x
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 January 2017):
 I am sorry that you felt that your family let you down. It is great that you had your boyfriend there for support, try and remember that a lot off people are truly alone and try and be thankful for that comfort.
Talk to your brother and your father and ask them why they feel the need to lie about your illness? That truly is hurtful. It is possible as men they where afraid to see you so ill so they tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Try talking to them sweetie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017): A lot of people are incredibly disappointing when it comes to illness. It panics them, I think, although I never found this to be an adequate excuse for leaving someone's side.
Now, why do they not believe you had cancer? I'm not sure I understand this part of the story.
Is it that they just don't want to tell the outside world? (a very old-school approach, as cancer used to be something that people would pretend they didn't have for shame). Or was your diagnosis never confirmed? Or are they just in complete denial?
It sounds like you have some major issues to work out with them. Maybe you could attend family counselling. I'd probably have to admit to myself that I lost lots of respect for them, but that I am going to keep a connection because they are my relatives, and I will have to accept them for who they are, with their flaws (and unfortunately you found out they are serious flaws). Do what you need to do for peace of mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): Now is the time to concentrate on yourself.Its not your fault that they dont realise you had cancer.Perhaps you could send them a copy of the specialists letter so they can see for themselves.?I guess you can assume they often get things wrong!It perhaps shows that they are prepared to contradict you no matter what.This means that it is important for you to concentrate on yourself because it is your responsibility to yourself.Worry about them at a later date!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): My prayers go out for your speedy recovery, and your courage is inspiring.
God made sure love stood by you; in spite of the insensitivity of family members. You didn't mention your mother. Is she deceased?
People in general do not like being in hospitals and do not like being around sick people. I worked as a medical technologist in a hospital many years ago; and there were many nice sad people bed-ridden and hospitalized for weeks. They hardly had visitors. It was very disheartening to see them suffering, not only from their maladies; but from loneliness as well. I made it my business to be cheerful, share a little of my time chatting with them; as I had to take blood samples for lab testing. I put them at ease. That's one of my God-given talents. I'm a humanitarian at heart.
I have a friend from Kuwait. His cousin lives close by him, and sometimes is at my friend's apartment when I visit. He is a little stand-offish; because he knows I'm gay. He gives me awkward smiles and stares into blank space the whole time I'm there. I've reached out to him, and I've made him laugh; to make him feel more at ease. He's a tough nut to crack!
He was recently hospitalized for sickle cell anemia and issues with his spleen; resulting in surgery. He, his wife, and my friend(his cousin)are the only people here in the United States. I went to visit him while he was in the hospital. His eyes teared, because he was surprised to see me. He was in a lot of pain. He gave me his phone number and we texted each other everyday until he was discharged two days ago. He was in the hospital 4 weeks.
I gave him encouragement, made him laugh, and said daily prayers. He now calls me brother. Sometimes you get adopted through kindness and warmth. It's God's plan for mankind to all be family.
You are born into a family, but sometimes they don't have close-knit ties and supportive connections other families have. Everyone wants it, but unfortunately some don't have it. It also depends on how you've been treating them up until a crisis hits. If you've been aloft, not much in touch, or a little disagreeable; family-connections become strained and estranged. They are distant when you need them most.
I attribute most of it to feuds, grudges, envy, and unresolved disagreements that make people insensitive to their own flesh and blood. People don't work things out, and treat their own family like strangers.
You have to reach out to them regardless of how they may seem unkind and distant to you. When they get sick, be there for them. When tragedy hits, be there for them. When there is reason for celebration, be there. You'll close the gaps and rebuild bridges. If you're not warm to them, you drift apart with time. Pride will not allow people to erase the lines drawn in the sand. So families aren't even as close as friends.
Even if they've shown you unkindness and have not stood by you; you must forgive them and reserve your strength for healing. You can't harbor anger and resentment towards your family; that will depress you, zap your strength, and slow your healing processes. Concentrate on your fight to live, show love for others in spite of their weaknesses and abandonment. Pay no attention to their denial, it's only to cover their guilt. Love your boyfriend!
Do not treat them as they have treated you. Treat them as you want to be treated. Some will turn around. People fear being around sick people will make them sick, they can't stand to see suffering. More so, they don't like seeing you in your worst state of health. They are scared. They hide. That's not the right thing to do, but people are brought-up by poor parenting and family dysfunction; and their parents don't set good examples nowadays. It's all about me and self-entitlement. Forgiveness and kindness is considered weakness. I'm not sure when this came about.
Godspeed with your healing. I hope your boyfriend remains close at your side regardless of how the family behaves. Please try to be strong, and be kind regardless of the indifference of others. There are no excuses for how they've treated you, but look back in retrospect; there may be things that need some fixing on your part as well.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 Well, it's certainly true that you can choose your friends but not your family. Family dynamics are complicated. You don't have to like them, nor they you.
You are lucky to have a partner who showed he cared. Perhaps your family were just not sensitive to your needs. They didn't appreciate the seriousness of your hospitalisation.
Oh well! Not much you can do about that. You know where you stand now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 It's so upsetting when folks we are blood related to (and technically call family) do not live up to our needs or our expectations.
I learned years ago that FAMILY is different from RELATIVES.
your boyfriend who was helpful supportive and stood by you is your family.
the blood relations that let you down can be dismissed now.
You do not have to be in touch with people that make you feel bad even if they are related by blood.
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