A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i recently came to know that my mom had a missed abortion with a 9 week fetus. I feel so embarrassed and angry and sad because i am 20 and old enough to have my own kids but they want a second kid after so many years. I found out that she had a miscarriage only on the day she went to have that fetus removed, from her reports and stuffs. I am living with my parents. To even think that i am an adult and my parents did not consider to tell me about this incident makes me feel so unloved and uncared. And i feel my mom never knew that she was pregnant untill she came to know about her missed abortion. I feel very angry to think that they tried to have a second kid when they are old enough to have grandchildren. And my parents were taking out their anger on me for no reason, this is making me very depressed. I am a very sensitive person, to even think something like this happened brings me to tears. I really do not understand what is wrong. And for the past couple of days i feel very depressed and sad. Can you guys please help me with this situation? What is wrong with me, why do i end up in tears for no reason? Why are my parents taking out their anger on me for no fault of mine?[Mod note: the country flag should be India.}
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abortion, depressed, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Its not really about you, sorry, you don't really get a say in how many kids your parents have, even if you are an adult now. They don't have to consult you, and you aren't equal partners in the marriage. that's the way it is. I'm about your age and I would probably feel the exact same way if my parents suddenly had another child, but there is nothing you can do about it if that happens, you just have to get on with your own life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): hey guys, i am the poster of this question. I thought i should speak out my feelings clearly here. It is not that i never wanted a brother or sister. I only feel odd to have a baby sister or brother at this age. I would have happily accepted a brother or sister if i was still a kid or a teen now. If my mom had given birth to that kid i would look more like my sibling's mother more than an elder sister. And i am upset because they did not consider to tell me about my unborn sister or brother and it only makes me feel they are more worried about an unborn fetus than their daughter who is right in front of their eyes. And i did not show my anger at them. And i am keeping all my feelings to myself, i never showed it out at my parents.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (27 January 2012):
Welcome to my world. I was 21 when my Dad and his wife had my lil brother, at least i was fine with that being that he had me at 17 and was never married to my mom and now that hes married, he ll want a child. 4 years later, my step mum passed away, my Dad waited for 2 years and instead of marrying someone with a child, he went to marry someone thats only 3 years older than me. By the time she came to live with us, she was pregnant already. I was so pissed off that i told him my mind. How can he stil be having kids when am 28 already. Cant wait to move this weekend, finally got me a job after college and a nice apartment. I really understand how u feel.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2012):
 First of all, your parents are devastated. They might not have known about the pregnancy, or they might have. It's usually customary not to let people know of a pregnancy until after the 12th week because of the possibility of miscarriage.
Of course they're getting mad at you because they're *really* in pain, and you're not comforting them, but turning it on yourself and lashing out.
Ask yourself this question -- why are you feeling upset that your parents are trying to have another kid? Are you feeling like they want to replace you? It can never happen. Are you feeling like they want to push you out of their life? That's what a lot of 6 year olds feel when they find out they're going to have a baby brother or sister.
You must understand -- your parents have their own life, just as you have yours. They have the right to have more kids, just as you will have the right to have your own. Their having kids is not a way of pushing you away. On the contrary, they want to keep you close! There's an amazing bond that can happen when there's a late child with an older or adult sibling. It's possible that you could totally fall in love with your new brother or sister and have an amazing bond.
In a sense, it might be that they miss YOU that they're having another kid. Think of it this way...for the past 5 years (since you became a teenager), you've been straining and pulling and fighting your way into independence. If you're in college now, you're away from them having the start of your own life. They might miss you and the experience of raising you so much that they want to do it again. This doesn't get rid of you or blow you off, but merely they want to add to the family.
You leaving them emotionally (or physically) is a unique "empty nest" pain they're now feeling. Now, their losing a pregnancy is an even greater pain, and now you're lashing out at them. Remember, you're no longer a kid. You're now an adult.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 January 2012):
 A friend of mine is pregnant, a big surprise as she and her husband were not planning it. She didn't tell anyone until she was just about to show because they weren't sure it was going to be a viable pregnancy due to some medical conditions she has. I don't even think they told their teenaged children until they knew she could keep this baby. It's going to be very difficult as she is in a high-risk pregnancy category. I hope it goes well for her.
As to your parents and your reaction to the pregnancy and the loss of the fetus, well, it may be that it was an unintended pregnancy. Those happen all the time, birth control is not foolproof, alas.
You are embarrassed, why? Because your parents are still having sex and are young enough to have another child? Alas, this is the case and it does not reflect on you at all, so ease your mind about being embarrassed. That is, if you are not still a teenager at heart?
And angry, I guess that is an understandable emotion, but if you spend some time looking at it from their perspective, maybe that will help you to understand their feelings and their side of it. That might help you manage that feeling.
Sad feelings, maybe you are experiencing that because you know you are growing up and are no longer their little baby girl any longer. It's part of life, the growing up and maturing and eventually becoming an adult yourself.
You will always be their daughter and they will always care for you. Perhaps they are upset and unhappy at your reaction to their very sad news?
Why not try to write a followup on this post, write as if it were your mother writing in to tell her side of the story and her thoughts on the loss of the fetus and how she feels about you, her daughter? That may help you understand what is happening in their feelings.
Read and re-read Annalisa's answer, as that is a very beautiful and caring way to approach the question you posed.
Good luck to you, and I hope when you are your parents' age, you will look back on this and realize that there is enough love to go around, if only you express it, every day and in every way.
Best wishes.
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