A
female
age
30-35,
*osy2011
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for one year now and the day before our one year anniversary he went out for his 21st birthday and went to a strip club with his friends. They also paid for him to have a private lap dance. He said nothing else happened and I don't doubt that at all.What has really upset me though is that he promised he wouldn't go to one and I told him how upset I would be if he did. Now I've tried but I can't get over it. I hate the thought of him looking at another girl like that and being that close to her. I don't think when you're in a relationship you should do that, he would find it even worse than I do if it was me doing that. It's also made me feel really self conscious, because he obviously would have found any of the dancers attractive and I feel like I can't live up to that now. It's both what he did and the fact that he lied to me when he said he wouldn't go but then did that's really hurt me. I also don't know exactly what happens when a guy is given a lap dance which is making it more difficult because I don't know what exactly happened. I have spoken to him and he promised never to do it again and that nothing else happened but I still feel betrayed and hurt by him doing it even without the lying.Could you please suggest how I can start to get over this and stop feeling hurt?Also could you tell me what happens in a typical lapdance (anything will help)?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (21 March 2013):
At the end of the day, this is complete non issue. He very likely got nothing out of it, doesnt care about her, and will with almost certainty never see her again.
If you love your bf, forget it and move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): So_Very_Confused is right OP and it's not about taste. The young, hard bodies just go through the motions and are generally shit at the dance.
The more mature ladies are phenomenal. They've been doing it a lot longer, their movement is a lot better and frankly mature ladies know how to entice, tease and really seem to enjoy it a lot more because they enjoy having that power over men.
The woman in the video I linked is in her 40's. I had a look through some other ones and younger women are just not as good. Ones who do it for fun just try too hard, older women really know how to be sexy far better than younger women. In my opinion it's not that they understand what we like more but they understand their own sexuality a lot better.
OP strip clubs aren't this seedy place where "slags" go to be "whores". That's just antiquated religious oppressive bullshit, those idiots said the same about the waltz and even Morris dancing, and guess what OP Morris dancing is intensely sexual too, bunch of guys dancing around with phallic symbols in their hands and women dancing around a big penis (maypole), to represent fertility. And now bra burning feminists try to go against it too because they're insecure, jealous and want to control other women in the same way as the church used to.
OP it's nothing to do with the woman being hotter than you, for a five minute dance you're just enjoying the experience. I mean shit OP if you're worried about women being hotter than you then don't ever bring him to a normal club or let his go to a shopping centre on a saturday. Beautiful women are everywhere and lots of women these days wear pretty much nothing and frankly the way a lot of you dance in a club on a saturday night is far more arousing than what a stripper does for five minutes.
Again though he lied, so if you're going to give him another chance he needs to make up for that. But frankly OP going to a strip club is not what you think it is at all, the women aren't slags, the men aren't pervs it's just a cool novelty for all involved and the whole movie idea of it being lonely, married men is bullshit. Any of the ones I went to had lots of women in there too to enjoy the show. My fiancée loves going to them when we're on holiday, she finds the whole experience quite exciting and frankly watching her get a lap dance is something else.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Most men I know here have to sit on their hands for a lap dance... you are not allowed to touch the girl
she's got a g string and maybe pasties on... she will grind her butt on his lap and shake her boobs near his face.. but NO touching BY HIM....
and it's work for her... not pleasure.
As for him lying.... well you told him you would be upset if he went. He had two choices.. tell his guy friends he's pussy whipped (no young man wants to do that) or lie to you...
neither is a good option.
clearly he wanted to go... and he felt as many do that it's easier to seek forgiveness than ask permission.
I think your problem may be because you are concerned he finds those girls more attractive than you... I can tell you that's not the case. In most cases the whole strip club thing is about the experience and the fun... (and to be honest I used to go with my now ex hubby and other couples and we had a blast) and NONE of these women made me feel less desirable or wanted.
To be honest when we would go, the woman they found the hottest (I kid you not) was not the young firm long haired blonde girl.. My ex husband and all his friends went for a lady they referred to as "Thelma" because she reminded them of the smart girl from Scooby-Doo... she had short hair, wore glasses and was small breasted... TURNED OUT.. THELMA was a GRANDMA in her 40s... and yet the guys LOVED HER...
no accounting for taste huh?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): First off the lie is the big thing here. OP a lap dance is nothing more extreme than what you see and probably do when you dance in a regular club. In fact I've seen far more sexual things happen in those and regularly do. More body contact and more seedy stuff.OP a lapdance is the equivalent of what women do when they sexy dance together in a club, and grind each other. The only difference is the stripper will have her tits out and she'll be a far better dancer. It's nothing but a novelty.In a private dance there is always contact, that's why it's private and that's why you pay extra. He's not allowed make any kind of contact except she will definitely grind her ass in his lap, that's why it's called a 'lap' dance. OP only regular/safe customers get any kind of contact extras, trust me I've been to a few over there. A 21 year old is not going to be given any special extras.Look it's up to you as to what to do, if you can forgive him then you must see it from the perspective of a drunken 21 year old being egged on by his friends and taken to a strip club. It'll have meant nothing in the slightest, just a bunch of young guys doing something for their friends birthday and him not doing it to hurt you just getting carried away in the moment. He made a mistake OP, we all do and frankly this is not one I'd consider big, but I'm not you. If you can't forgive him and get over it then you have every right to move on on the basis that he betrayed your trust, you don't have to accept this behaviour at all, and frankly he said he wouldn't go the first time so his promise not to again doesn't exactly sound concrete.The choice is yours, but there is no magic off switch for the pain, take your time and see how you feel about it.This is the perfect example of a private lap dance. They're great fun and personally I think it's an art form. All dance is sexual custom OP, dancing is a courtship ritual in every culture, this is no different and is actually a lot cleaner than a lot of traditional dances such as latin American, Carribean or African.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Auw_HBC72BM
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 March 2013):
 A lapdance is basically where the guy sits and the stripper wiggles around in his lap. He's usually required to keep his hands to himself, she's usually making physical contact (but not always), and is usually wearing minimal or no clothing.I think it's not good that you had told him where you stand on this and he went behind your back to do it. It's one thing to disagree, but it's another for him to lie to you and do what he wants without regard to your feelings on the matter. There's nothing we can really tell you that will magically make it stop hurting. I don't think I'd stay with my boyfriend if he did that, I know some women who are OK with it. If you're not OK with it and he did it anyways (and especially lied about it) I don't really see how you can move forward from it.
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