| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I was in a relationship for a year with a guy from Morocco. It all started like a fairytale and seemed neverending. We started to live together from an early stage and everything was wonderful. I had to go back to my country to work for 2 months since I was studying abroad. When I got back we had gotten a new place to live. Being away for so long everything was good. After time passed by things went downhill. We argued a lot and it got semi-physical sometimes. This kept on going on and off for months, until one day, after him displaying such bad behaviour and respect for me when my bestfriend came to visit me for a week and lived with us, I decided to take a break and move out for a while. After she left I told him about my plans, it was all planned out with where to live and everything. But he begged and pleaded for me not to do it, he said that if i truly loved him I would stay and give him a new chance. Seeing the fear in his eyes for the thought of losing me I stayed. He went back to his country for a week to deal with some stuff and also make things better in our relationship. When he got back we talked about our problems and decided to not let them break us. So everything seemed perfect from then. I realized that I wasnt really happy and that I wasnt really happy with the situation. I was the one doing all the housework and also the one earning the money we needed to live. He got his money by his parents every month and liked to spend it all almost at once. Still thinking and hoping that things would work out and that he was going to do all the things he had been promising to me he would to, I felt myself doing things alone. I went out alone, during the day and sometimes nights. Most of the time I was with him I felt alone, because the friends that I had was his friends from before and they were all Moroccans. Being with him and them I felt non-belonging, invisible and alone since they mostly spoke in arabic, which I dont understand. After a while I got to know another group of people who shared the same interests as me, and actually included me in their conversations eventhough in the beggining we didnt know each other that well. I felt comfortable and visible. I started to join their group more and more on the activities they did. They really welcomed me. One of the guys turned out to become a good friend of mine, which I have missed having being so far away from my home country. He listened to me about everything and always made sure that I was ok. He got the feeling that things werent OK with me and my boyfriend and I kept saying that we were fine, which I knew was partially lie. But I didnt want people to know, because I really loved him for the good person he basically was. Things developed the more time we spent together me and my new friend. He started to have feelings for me, but didnt do anything without me agreeing to it because I had a boyfriend. I kept holding him on a distance because I knew this was wrong.After being out one night we stayed at a friends place because we were all too exhausted to drive home. We planned to stay for a bit just to get back some energy. This night led to the first kiss. I didnt even push him away or felt any regret at that point. When I got back home and saw my boyfriend I still didnt feel any regrets. I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I like this? I never told him about it.After telling him that I wanted to leave the house for a while, my boyfriend had started to act all to well, but I was seeing right through his new behaviour. This is how he played with my feelings. And I kept falling for it through the year. But this time I had woken up a little and kept a cool head. I kept seeing my friend, but only as friends. Until I realized that I also might have feelings for him, so this led to me spending a night with him. Also this time I didnt feel any regrets. I had spend some time before the cheating if I wanted to leave him. I knew I wanted to, but inside I knew it would be difficult beeing that he depended on me on so many ways, and me on him because I didnt have many friends. So the fear of ending up alone in a foreign country I stayed. A part of what made me cheat pushed me into it knowing that this could be my escape, the one thing that could make me leave him. having cheated on him I knew I could never go back to him. And also never telling him about it. One morning I told him I was leaving, that I needed some time-out. he paniced but I kept on mine. I was not going to fall for it this time again. So I did, but I started to miss him and went back a few times to see how he was doing. It hurts that not untill I left him I felt more for him, but I knew that these feelings werent 100% real. I loved him, I did, but I wasnt happy. I gave him everything I could.Now I am with the friend I cheated on him with. my ex does not approve of him. For me he makes me feel something that I havent felt for so long, and brings back parts of me that I thought I had lossed. I am happier, smiling more, more talkactive and outgoing; all the things I've lost during the time I was with my ex. This happened for over 3 months ago. For the last two months I have been away from my boyfriend on vacation. I still think about my ex, and only NOW do I regret my way and reason for leaving him. I am still lying about never cheating, but he has his ideas. For my own safety I lied about it, and I stuck to it. I dont know if I am ever going to tell him the truth. But the guilt is hard. Sometimes I can easely forget, but sometimes I can sit for hours and think. My question is;What should I do?How can I forget him?How can I move on?I feel really bad for what I have done, never thought I would be the one cheating and it hurts. How do I deal with this? I fear my safety if the truth comes out. Should I tell him the truth?I dont ever want to cheat again, and I am not tempted to. How do I get through this for the sake of the new relationship I am in. He knows about this and supports me, but I know it is not easy for him knowing that I still think about my ex in some reason.Please, give me some advice. I am lost and running out of options....Thank you
View related questions:
a break, money, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Helter Skelter +, writes (19 July 2006):
 i dont know if this wil help but last april i slpit up with my bf of just over a yr. we split up becuase i had feelings for someone else and was tmepted to move on and see what fish were in the sea. looking back i dont no what went on in my mind and i now realise this man was the love of my life, and always will be my true love. altohugh i didnt physically cheat on him i do know how you feel. i am currently with some1 else and there isnt a day that goes by that i dont tihnk of what i lost and how badly i broke up. i tried to do it over the phone but failed so i emailed him. i couldnt bleive that the person i loved more than anything and wanted to grow old with i had hurt so much.
what im saying is that even though you hurt your ex, he has moved on. beucase of the guilt i felt i emailed my ex explaining how i felt and the reasonsd i wanted to brake up, breifly saying about another man, however if you fear for ur safety i would advise you not to do this, if you decide to do this and your ex replies wanting you back, i garunteee all the old love and feelings will come flooding back. but u need to be strong and explain you are sorry for what happened but you have moved on.
i hope i helped, if you want to tlak, email me :) xxxx good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): First of all, your ex-bf was Moroccan. Don't know where you're from, but he was from a different culture, different way of life, and views of women, than you. This in and of itself would cause difficulties and lots of adjustment in a relationship with you.
You said he got "semi-physical" - do you mean he hit you? He behaved very badly and dis-respected you when a friend was staying with you. He didn't share the housework; spent the money his parents sent him; you earned the money needed to live - presumably he didn't help with any of the expenses, right? You felt like an outsider when with his friends - and you would, if they just talked in their own language all the time, and didn't include you.
You have no reason to feel bad about having left him! I repeat: NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Your ex treated you badly, behaved very selfishly and with no thought or consideration for you. You say you fear for your safety if he finds out you cheated. STAY AWAY FROM ANY MAN WHO SHOWS PHYSICAL - or VERBAL ABUSE/VIOLENCE. This is important!! THINK about all this when you ask how you can move on. It should help you put it behind you.
Cheating? well, there, you do have some reason to feel bad. However, what's done is done, and you need now to acknowlege it was wrong, and TO FORGIVE YOURSELF. Let it be in the past and concentrate on your new relationship.
DO NOT HAVE ANY FURTHER CONTACT with your ex!! Don't see him, don't talk to him, NOTHING. If you fear for your safety, call the police.
Good luck!
...............................
|
