A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 28 years old and am recently married. Believe it or not, I was a virgin until I got married. I live in India where some families are conservative and my parents always told me that physical intimacy is ok with only a life partner.They didn't force it on me but I thought it was a good ideal to have.My partner, 26, was someone I dated for six months before we got married. When I interacted with her, I thought she had the same ideals as me when it came to sex before marriage. She did openly tell me that she was in a couple of failed relationships. Though she told me that, I still thought she had a platonic relationship as it is quite common in India for people to be in love for even several years but engaging in physical intimacy after the marriage was over.Anyways, things were fine with us until some random conversation got us talking about our sexual past. She knew I was a virgin but she said that she can't say the same about herself, or something like that.This girl is a very good human being and she cares for me a lot but that conversation has left me feeling a bit weird. I happened to mention that I was a little uncomfortable with what she just told me and that made her feel very weird, to the point that she couldn't even look at me for a while.We were able to talk through it but I am not finding it in me to be physical with her in a spontaneous sort of way now. It has been only a few days since we had this conversation and I feel weird about her having been with other people.I don't know what to do about this feeling. I do understand that when you love someone, it is natural to get intimate although at the same time I am disappointed that the person I waited for didn't wait enough for me.not sure how to get over this feeling. I feel awful, mostly to put her through this....don't know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): I am the one who asked the question here. I thank the people who gave me the first two answers. I spoke with my wife again and found out the circumstances under which she bad physical intimacy with someone and for future it to be sincere and heartfelt. I now have no problems with her past. I wasn't worried that I was getting a virgin. I was just worried that maybe she didn't have the value system that I thought she had. I told her up front when I met her that I had strong opinions about physical intimacy and was just a little let down that she didn't disclose that outright. Anyways, even if she had told me I would have still married her as she is a very sincere a and a very caring person. To the second answer, yes, we were engaged and then started dating.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 i have a vague idea of how your culture works, and i do understand that sex before marriage can still be a very big deal where you are from. and as for you waiting, congratulations! i know that must not have been easy, and many people cannot say the same. i think that's wonderful. however, what confuses me a bit, though, is that if sex before marriage is something important to you based on culture, i also thought that dating wasn't considered standard.
from what i know, engagement is always first, and THEN dating begins. so for you to say you dated for six months threw me off a bit, unless i misunderstood and you were already engaged and i missed that.
i realize that if you've waited your whole life to be able to give your virginity to your wife, it's only human nature to hope that she has the same gift to give to you. and i can respect that it must be a bit of a let down that she has already had sex before. i can understand this completely.
what i hope you can come to realize is that just because she has been with another, it does not in any way make her being with you any less special. in fact, i'm sure that if she could go back in time, she'd take it back and wait to give it to you. unfortuntately we don't have time machines, and what happened, happened.
just try to realize that what she has with you is special. and you don't have to take someone's virginity to make it special. what makes it special is the love you two have for each other. and i'm sure what she has with you very much outweighs anything she's ever had with anyone else before you. THAT'S what matters.
good luck my friend.
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A
male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (16 December 2013):
Your situation is obviously based in your culture, and while I respect that, I have no experience in that are so ill just comment as an American.
Here, it is a common challenge for some men to come to terms with a woman's sexual past. I have had that situation before. You generally have to be strong and accept it (if you can) and be happy she is with you now, or not. In USA, trying to screen women for small amount experiences does not happen. Because that is rare.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): It has only been a few days. Perhaps traditions and cultures differ around the world; but one thing seems consistent with men. They expect women to live their entire lives in a bubble; waiting for him to come along out of the blue.
You married a modern and independent woman. She had no idea when you would appear in her life.
What made you marry her? Were you pressured by family and tradition?
You are in a different age. Your thinking may date back to the ages when men married virgins and treat women like property. However; this is the 21st century. Whether you change or not; the realities of life, are what they are.
Things that don't evolve, become extinct.
You saved yourself. So what? You saved yourself for someone you hoped to love. Suddenly you can no longer function as a man? Perhaps that is your problem. You may not be a good lover. Don't place fault on her.
You have become aware she is not a virgin. Do you feel inept? Then your mission it to be a wonderful husband and the best lover she has ever had. The other two were failures. She gave you her heart, body, and soul.
Are you now a failure too?
It is wiser to seek a "heart" that matches your own. To find a person willing to forgive your mistakes, live with your faults, and love you in the imperfect body that was designed by nature. You have many imperfections she is accepting without saying a word. Now you write such a post to say how you feel for something that is irreversible. Much worse, you are already a married couple. You're depriving her of affection and intimacy for foolish reasons.
You think with the judgement of child; if you now withhold your feelings for her, knowing what you know.
It is the past. What's done is done. It was before she ever knew you and what the future would bring.
Will you mistreat her, and judge her harshly from now on?
You have no right to. I don't care where you are in the world. Women are human and deserve love and respect. They make the same mistakes and have weakness like men. They make sacrifices for love, men never do.
Purity starts in the mind. The body is but a vessel of the soul, and we are more than just creatures placed on this earth to be judged and manipulated by other humans. You are not a deity, and in no position to judge her by her past.
Most people save themselves out of fear of having sex. The lack of the maturity to handle the responsibility; and because they don't know what to do.
Men have no proof of virginity, and can make up all sorts of lies and excuses. Women don't have that advantage.
So a man who lacks experience blames the woman, because he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to have sex, or isn't sure of his own abilities. Then he must lower his pride and fear, and allow her to teach him. They learn together.
Saving yourself was your choice. In all reality, not much of a big deal; if you are foolish, and ungrateful for the blessings you have received.
If you are not up to handling the realities of life,
she would be better off with someone else. Not with a man with the heart and mind of a boy.
Regardless of what you may feel. I hope any misgivings you may have; will never allow you treat her unkindly.
Give yourself time to work through it. Time may be all you need to digest what she told you. If you are unable to ever get past it. There are things you must consider.
It could just be, that you just aren't virile enough to take on your duties as a husband. You may be insecure; because you have no experience with sex, and do not know what you're doing.
Maybe you were not ready for marriage at all.
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