A
male
age
36-40,
*h man this is not good
writes:Hi guys,Ok here goes my girl is violent she attacks me and pushes me and even pullled a knife on me once this has been going on for at least 8 months and tonight she attacked me. she slapped me at least 4 times and started pushing me and throwing things at me and for the first time i hit her back, not hard i mean it didnt hurt her but its still the same. she says she is going to leave me and frankly i dont care anymore because she has abused me for a long time, the problem is i feel so bad for retaliating i always promised myself i wouldn't but i did and i feel like im less of a man for doing so. i have never lashed out at anybody before and im worried that if im rubbed up the wrong way will i do it again or is this the result of many months of abuse? i know this is a tricky question but i feel have let myself down and maybe some impartial advice will do the trick.Chers guys
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): You may feel like you still love her but must realize you are being mentally and physically abused. Last night, my GF started trashing my apartment, throwing things at me, grabbed me to hit me, smashed a heavy object to the ground, and was ready to pull down the TV and bookcases. This after a night of heavy drinking (on her part) mixed with anxiety and hormone meds. Then she blamed me for saying something to tick her off. It doesn't matter what I said, a reasonable and sane person would not have reacted like this. Incidents like this have been happening throughout our on-again-off-again relationship. On-again-off-again because I keep thinking I can "fix" her, comfort her, relieve her of her mental pain and issues. BUT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Because this women is narcissistic substance abuser who refuses to see anyones "reality" but her own screwed up perception about people and the world which are totally based in her issues with her father (I know because we've spoken about it any times). And because of my issues, I still have love for and am still insanely attracted to this girl. But it is wrong for ME. This is what you have to get into your head. She will never change her behavior because it is unchangeable. You are just a vessel for her to dump her garbage into. Let her use some other guy for that and get on with YOUR life.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (28 November 2008):
 Point well taken here female, annonymous! I personally take no offense, however please reread my post and maybe you will understand. My suggestion wasn't to leave her just because she has problems. (She probably has an illness of some sort) He has hit her, HE LOST IT! After the fact that she has pulled a knife on him ( threat to his life) my thoughts were It is best to leave. Since he has already begain retaliating by apparrantly taking on her abusive patterns, then both his and her life could possibly be in danger. It happens all the time. (Make a call to the Domestic Abuse Hotlines )My ex husband was a Police Officer and so was his Dad. I have served at a local facility for Mental Health.
By removing himself from the home and her presence it will give him time to get his own facilities straight. It gives her time to reflect on what has happened and hopefully will promote her to seek help. I would suggest that he also does because he will quite possibly be affected long term because of this. Sometimes it promotes the abused to become the abuser!
At any rate a relaionship that has gotten to this point usually gets worse in time and most of the time becomes more violent. Please understand this, people are killed everyday thru domestic abuse. I fortunantly didn't leave and suffered years of abuse. (after my divorce)I struggle everyday NOT to become the abuser. I was a lucky one. Even after busted noses,split lips, chipped teeth, scratches, bruises and nearly having concussions and broken ribs, I SURVIVED! My worst scars are the emotional ones I will carry with me forever. They can also travel from generation to generation.
If you did read the post again you will see that I mentioned lots of things that the main directive was the saftey of both parties concerned. Most people who are abusive are also controlling. They control you by threats, guilt and anger. The young lady really needs to seek help as I agree with you she is CRYING for IT! However by staying there,it is only putting more stress on the situation because even if he has control she lacks it. As I did advise him ,what he did was a reaction to the stimilus but if he does it over and over it makes him less of a man.(as he admits he KNOWS it WRONG!) He does recognise that he was wrong BUT he was protecting himself. To avoid the CONFRONTAION AND CONFLICT he SHOULD LEAVE..It gives them both a COOLING DOWN PERIOD.
My last two pararagraphs pretty much clinche the post. They have to get help to overcome it. If he gets the help he needs to get himself straight about this that is a big help. However she needs professional help NO DOUBT! She is a THREAT probably to herself and DEFINANTLY to HIM!
Thanks for reading and I hope it has helped someone to recognize that NO ONE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS and NOT ALL SITUATIONS ARE ALIKE...BUT THE RESULTS CAN ONLY BE ALTERED BY CHANGE.
MY BEST TO ALL~~~~~~~~
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): Everybody is telling you to leave...but have you ever wondered WHY she behaves like that? She is crying for help! She sees you as 'safe' so she vents her anger for you to see her pain. She must really love you or want to love you. I bet she wouldn't do that to just anyone if she knew they would hurt her back. The worst thing you can do is feed that anger. I bet she's really passionate and loving...for godness sake, she's just a woman not a monster!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): you sound like your on the right track!
havent let yourself down! SHE let you down!
hitting her was a natural retaliation and anyone should do when being attcked!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): Leave, or else this will just get worse. If your both now hitting on each other, one day one of you is going to get really hurt
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (26 November 2008):
It's good that you recognize this retaliation as wrong! However you were obviously trying to defend yourself. The best thing for you to do is leave her.
When it has happened once it can very likely happen again. You have had the buttons pushed for way too long and you have been basically backed into a corner. When a wild animal is on the attack and you are backed into a corner that is what you do. You fight back. It's the flight to fight thing. Your adreniline rushes and your brain signals you to protect yourself without giving you time to really think before reacting.
I won't say you are less of a man for doing it, but you would be one if you kept it up. If even in your own eyes. You now feel guilt for doing this and she WILL play on it. If you get out now then you might have a chance to walk away like a man with your Dignity in Tact.
Besides if she has been voilent and no telling what her reason is. If it's stress realated, drugs, alcohol or perhaps some sort of mental problem you are most likely in danger. After all she has already pulled a knife on you. I don't know if you did anything to provoke her or not but the main concern is if she is this violent your emotions are in a hurl and your life has already been endangered. Alot of times when things keep going like this they usually get worse and sometimes end up in someone being hurt seriously or even killed.
Unless she seeks professional help to get herself straightned out and really works on this I suggest that you Walk away and take your heart with you. If you love this woman, your heart will care but your life may depend upon letting her go.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, sweetie_pie3333 +, writes (26 November 2008):
Damn...that's a lot...first if i was a guy and i had a gf like that i would try and help her with what ever was wrong with her. maybe talk to her and what not..but i have a bf and i would NEVER ever hit him or do anything to cause him pain..so just try and talk to her kk :D
i know its not that great of an answer but its just what i think
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (26 November 2008):
 Let me give this a shot... Let me say this -- getting out a of an abusive relationship is CLEARLY the best -- be it a man or a woman! Call this dead and gone... and move on...
Regarding you and your fears for the future, let me say this: if you are worried about this response of yours to your (hopefully) soon-to-be-ex, don't. There are many things that interplay with a relationship. One of the hard to describe ones is "chemistry" -- just because you and the (again, hopefully) ex had it bad doesn't mean that you are prone to the same kind of reaction with anyone else. The way you are with anyone else on this planet will be governed by the chemistry you bring to the party. If you are concerned about it, that alone suggest you have a realistic view of the situation and really think that once this one is behind you, your life will be completely different and won't be the same. You're probably always going to be cautious of the same kind of thing happening to you in the future... and that's a good thing!
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A
male
reader, oh man this is not good +, writes (26 November 2008):
oh man this is not good is verified as being by the original poster of the question whoops forgot to say that we had an argument because my headphones became unplugged from my xbox and she couldn't hear her t.v
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