A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 6 years, this is my second marriage I'm 41 my hubby is 40.My first husband was controlling and aggressive and violent.One of the reasons I was attracted to my second husband was the fact that he was undemanding, kind, considerate caring etc. Although we have never really had a very good sex life - he is very affectionate towards me and tells me he loves me all the time.My husband does not have a high sex drive, he is not in the least bit passionate. He never flirts with me or compliments me - we have very little sexual contact. He also has erectile dysfunction. He doesn't talk about this at all -unless I try to bring it up. I have suggested he get help - but in reality I don't think sex is that important to him.I have bought a few different alternative remedies to help him and when he has taken them he has responded quite well. But he takes them for a while and then stops and I don't think the root of the problem is really being addressed.I don not like to think that at 41 years old my sex life is over - but what can I do when my husband is clearly not bothered about this side of our relationship?I have been quite flattered recently by a guy who thinks I'm attractive and flirts with me and would clearly like to take things further - but I have never been unfaithful to anyone and i don't think I could live with myself if I did.I am so full of doubt about my second husband now and think I made a mistake marrying him - I find him quite boring - we don't have a great deal to talk about - but we don't argue either - we have a fairly steady relationship with very few ups and downs - but it really does lack that spark and there's no excitement at all.I am considering either ending the marriage or (if I can) have sex with someone else - as you can tell I am so confused about the whole thing - what do others think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all who have responded.
Daniel - I do realise that a lengthy discussion is needed to sort this out once and for all. My husband is very affectionate and as I said in my original post - he tells me he loves me every day. I know he loves me, I see it and feel it all the time. The thing for me is intimacy - for me it cements a relationship - being intimate with my husband is all I want really.
If I'm honest I'm not really interested in having sex with anyone else. Ok - I have been flattered by this other guys attention and compliments - but the thought of sleeping with someone else does not really appeal to me. I have never been unfaithful and at 41 don't want to start now.
Collaroy - you hit the nail on the head when you said I've chosen the exact opposite of my first husband. Infact I always say if my first husband was north my second husband is south - poles apart!
I know I need to talk to my husband about the intimate side of our relationship - and I will - I just don't want to put him under any pressure and make the situation worse.
Once again - many thanks to you all for your responses
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Hi there,
I'm really sorry to see you going through this. It looks like you went down the right track by avoiding a violent controlling type like your ex but maybe you picked someone who is the exact opposite of your ex.
There is no shame in admitting that you made a mistake, and I dont believe it is just about the sex the lack of affection and a missing spark between you two will eventually wear you down if you dont do something about it.
Flirting and touching are crucial to keeping a marriage alive, its so important for both partners to demonstrate they are sexually connected I believe.
But don't go running off into the arms of someone else just yet, this won't solve anything it will only make you feel worse. Talk to your partner , tell him you are concerned about your relationship as you need physical intimacy - that's natural . If he can't commit to you then you will have to assess whether he is worth staying with him purely as a companion not as a lover. If you have a high sex drive, it doesnt look to good , but you never know there may be some underlying reason why he cant express his feelings. Its worth finding out before you put the marriage at risk isnt it?
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Could he have the same doubts about the marriage as you? Maybe he is just sticking around because he is scared to go ??
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Let's see if I understand your problem correctly. Your marriage is good in all areas except in what regards sex and signs of affection. It seems that your husband just isn't interested in doing something serious about his erectile dysfunction. So, in your eyes, your prospects are no sex again, and you're only 41. You have also caught the eye of another man.
Your problem, then is "do you stay married to your husband, and accept a life without sex or signs of affection, do you end the marriage, or do you sleep with someone else?"
It would be easy to say that you should discuss this issue with your husband, perhaps telling him something like "do you really expect me not to have trouble with no sex at all in the future?". Of course, my way of saying this is very blunt and you would need to word it in a different manner :-). I am afraid, however, that this is the one step that you seem to have given with the herbal remedies. By now, he knows you have trouble and you're trying to solve it.
Sleeping with the other guy would bring relief, but wouldn't solve the problem. It is not that you just want sex; you want a relationship that works. I'm sure you can see that sleeping with the other guy would perhaps bring an end to your marriage, but then, the alternative, sexless marriage, doesn't seem that good, anyways.
The other guy might see you as an adventure. Perhaps the signs of your being insatisfied are too evident and he has noticed. From your post, it doesn't seem like he feels something deeper for you. It also seems you're all right with that.
I think you would need to talk to your husband, seriously, one more time. Also, you should think what you prefer: the marriage as it is, or something else. If you prefer something else, leave your husband before you sleep with someone else, as that would complicate your life a lot.
All the best.
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