A
female
age
41-50,
*miler17
writes:I started seeing a bed buddy about 2 months ago, we're both single and we started meeting up for sex. The sex is fantasic the problem is ive developed feelings for him!Ive been hurt in the past and have stayed single for 2 years coz i didnt wanna let anyone else get close, i normal build such a barrier but he's just snuck up on me without realising it. He's in touch with me everyday on texts and emails and to me thats not just sex, you start forming a bond, afew times he's said things like "i wish id of met you sooner" and "if the timing was different" which confused me further. what does he mean?? if hes single then whats wrong with the timing? I know hes got a kid so manybe its to do with that. ive never mentioned my feelings and i play it quite cool to protect myself. should i cut my losses and end it before i get any further involved or should i bite the bullet and admit how i feel but admitting i like someone is such a big deal to me now but i also dont want regrets later of what ifs!!any advice welcome :)
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female
reader, smiler17 +, writes (22 June 2008):
smiler17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies. I have decided to end the arrangement i had with this guy, i want more and dont think he is the person to give me it. I have no regrets and at least i now know that i want the emotional/loving commitment as well as the sex! I feel alot happier now ive admitted what i really want and intend to wait for someone more special. i dont miss what i never really had in the first place!
Thanks :)
A
female
reader, LilzDon'tKnow  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 If you have feelings for this guy you should probably confess them and if he feels the same way he'll let you know. Then trust is the hardest thing to give someone but if you really like this guy it should be very easy. A very simple situation indeed Lol
~Hope this helps~
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone but also the gullible idiot hormone. Women, you got it.
It is produced by for the various activities around sex and childbirth/child caring.
It causes people to bond and to be less analytical in their thinking. http://www.kennislink.nl/web/show?id=204727 (dutch link)
Volunteers were asked to inhale the hormone and then play a trust game. Those who had been given the hormone basically failed miserably. The game was to give money to an investor who would then cheat them. Those under the influence would keep giving money no matter what while those who had been given a placebo learned their lesson. This effect is so strong that their are warning that this hormone in drugs form (it is used to treat anxiety) could be used by confidence tricksters to weaken their mark.
Now the hormone is best known for being released when a woman breastfeeds, it is what makes women bond with their babies and is another reason breast-feeding is so important (other study showed that for every month of breast-feeding the child gains immunity to infection (bacteria), long term study is underway to show if this also works for other diseases although early evidence says this is the case already)
BUT as nice as this hormone sounds what it basically turns you into is a braindead moron who is unable to spot a cheating investor.
One guess how this hormone, released in plenty during sexual activity then makes you judge a sex buddy. Anyone? Ah yeah, it makes you bond with him and swallow his lines whole.
Confess your feelings to him, what have you got to loose? Although men don't bond over sex that doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. Don't think it likely BUT it is possible and that since you are acting cool around him he thinks his feelings ain't being answered.
But don't count on that.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (20 June 2008):
 If only life were so simple! Why do people fall for this con that is telling them you can have sex without it having a consequence? Having sex with people means spending emotional currency and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Even when people don't form emotional bonds when they just have sex with a person, they still spend some of the currency they have which would ideally be spent in a stable relationship. It can take the form of spending trust or spending self confidence, or self-worth.
That is how girls (mostly) slowly erode their own ability to trust without even realising it. How many girls do you know who have so called uncomplicated sex, then are surprisingly unable to trust the one they meet that really matters? Is it such a surprise?
Have some emotional intelligence, tell the bloke how you feel. If he blows you out it does not mean he doesn't like you, just that he enjoyed the free sex and that is all it was. I really hope this does work out and you don't find your trust damaged. If it doesn't it may still have value to you as an experience. Have a good think about whether you believe that sex is simply a recreational activity with no cost. I think it does have one most definateley. It changes your emotional landscape somewhere deep inside. When you spend money you don't see it literally move from your account, but once spent it most surely is gone. Don't get an overdraft, save a few pennies for a good man and a real partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): In my opinion it is impossible for a female to have sex with someone without forming some sort of attachment to them.
It sounds like you answered your own question, you don't want to be left wondering what would have happened if you told him your feelings, so I suggest you tell him. Then you can ask about how he feels, ask about those comments he made, and see where you stand.
Be brave and do it! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, VivianS  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 You're saying you didn't want to get into a relationship because you were hurt in the past hence went for such an arrangement. But look what you got yourself into - hurt! Let this guy go. And look for someone who is willing to love you. The hurt in both the scenarios is more or less the same. Atleast in a relationship you are being loved in return. AND you are more likely to find a life partner in a relationship and not in an arrangement like this. Please think about this. Tell him you do not want to continue with this arrangement. If he likes you the way you like him, he will offer more. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Why would you even agree to such an arrangement? A no strings attached sex buddy relationship, where the female gets emotionally attached is a very painful place to go, for many. He's says he's single, so therefore that means he's available, but he will not commit to you. All you have here is a 'sexual attraction'. You and he have agreed to have a sexual relationship where he has emotionally disconnected from you. But you appear to be at a different place here. I have to say, could you be, equating being wanted by this guy, sexually, with your own self-esteem. This could be why you are where you are. If so, I am here to tell you that you no longer need him to validate who you are. You validate yourself by through achievment in your own life, your own good actions. You gift yourself with that a self-respect/ self-esteem, without this man, doing it for you. I am going to strongly suggest: cut this guy loose and go find someone who will value you...every aspect of who you are. Don't waste another minute on this guy. This guy doesn't have to work at the loving, caring, committed facets of this relationship with you because you are basically giving him what he wants anyways. No strings and he's content with the way things are, The thing is, hun...guys are like us gals. When they are really liking a girl, they want to lay claim to a relationship with her. They want to make it official and they guy wants a girl, all to himself. So he works hard at establishing a bond with her-committing to only her because he adores her, loves her, desires her. This guy is not doing that, is he? And you do deserve all the great perks of being with a man who loves, honors and respects all that you are. Let him go and go find a great guy who'll treat you better and never settle for a meaningless 'sex buddy' relationship with anyone again. No more blurry, gray areas in relationships with men again. Hold out for "all or nothing" and please...uphold yourself to higher standards. I think you'll agree..that you do deserve it. Good luck and take care, hun.
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