A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I kinda love and hate my boyfriend. We have been together for years and he is ready to marry me. I am sure he wouldnt left me. He is kind of man who will sacrifice physically to save me from any danger. He wont left me behind for sure.He is a hardworker. He has a strong drive to succeed. From what he said, he worked hard to get a stable financial to secure our future family. I am fully understand and positive about this but sometimes i think he just take the job as a reason to stay away from me. He is busy to the point we could see each other once a week if thats im lucky. When we met, i like to ask about his work, he usually get a little annoyed that i talk about job when we dates. He said why he couldnt be relax when hes with me. Why we talks about job and not some other fun thing? He is now starting to build a company and it has promising prospect as what he said.I became paranoid and anxious because in the past, he lied to me about working overtime when he is having fun going out with his friends. I know im a bit controlling and thats what make him lied to me. Maybe he felt guilty of not dating with me in spare time? And we got nothing to talk about or fun thing to do when we date beside going to cinema and had dinner. Thats all. He seems cant really concentrated on our relationship as he beg me not to argue about our relationship and please help him keep peace as he has job stress to work through. All i want is his attention and love. But he seems too busy for that and i am unsure he really hear what i said about my feeling.I know this time its different from before because he is now starting his own business and it would consume his time and energy. Im completely understand about that. I dont know why im worry and anxious all the time. When we meet in person im happy. But then our dates often messy. We argue a lot and we seems to disagree on much things. We seems disconnected.He said he bought our wedding ring. And when talk further about it, he said he only buy his, he not yet buy mine because he is unsure which one i would like. Dont get me wrong, he already brought me to wedding ring shopping before but im not yet decided which one i would choose, and he buy his abroad from his business trip. He said he would bring me to that store again (abroad) to shop and let me choose my ring myself. I know he would take me again to buy my ring but i still get disappointed feeling. He always has that rushing and making decision quickly habit. I dont even know why he is still with me, i cant make him happy but i know he is proud of me, he would proudly tell everybody good things about me, keep asking to marry me, try to make his promises to me. However when we together, we found no joy in it as we often argue a lot. Good things about him is, he really would let go any mistake i made. He would forgive every mistake i made and dont hold any anger with me in a long time. I dont even know why im asking this, but i feel anxious all the time. Am i the one to blame here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): It sounds as if he wants his life to be the way he wants it to be, whatever that is and a wife to go with his life. It doesn't sound as if he wants a wife who has any say in his life or your lives together. I get the feeling you are there to fulfil a role, a wifely role and not have any feelings or needs of your own. Or if you do have feelings and needs, he doesn't want to know about them.
He wants a wife but none of the work of a relationship that goes with that. He doesn't want to know about you or what you want.
This sounds awful. You are feeling anxious all the time, because there is an inner voice of yours telling you that this relationship is not right. He will not make you happy with his uncaring attitude. An ex of mine used to say to me 'I would kill for you, I would die for you' and he still made me very unhappy. It's not what you need or want is it? You want to be treated like a human being with feelings and needs and for him to care about those feelings and needs....and sadly he doesn't. He couldn't care less.
So don't marry him. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care about you?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 If you feel both love and hate for your fiancee'- you can't marry him and you should not marry him.
Marriage is a big decisison and a big committment which you should enter into only feeling love-love, not love-hate. And even starting with love-love, you don't have the guarantee you can make it last, because it's not easy to share a whole lofe with somebody and many things can interfere.... but at least you have a good chance. If you start from any other weaker position, half love half hate , it's doomed. Big waste of time and money.
You wonder why he wants to marry you, but I wonder why you want to marry him. You spend litle time together, during which you argue and can't relax. You find it BORING. You feel disconnected ; he is making you feel unheard, neglected and taken for granted.
And, you want to marry him because..... ? Ah yes, because in a pinch he would save your life, he would be that physically brave. Like, he would extract you from a building up in flames, or he would throw himself between you and a raging, famished lion. That's great, but- there are well trained firefighters for that job, and as for the lion- just don't go in the African jungle :)
Kidding of course, but not just trying to be witty. Only trying to show you that life is NOW and you have to stay with what it IS, not with what it could be or it could happen. You don't marry people for a vague future
" potential ", you marry them because you are happy with who they are and what they do . Which obviously you are not. So, I would think long and had before you decide to tie the knot - and I would NOT say yes just because you are afraid of changes, or afraid of being single.
As for the ring story, well, I don't get it, but maybe it's a cultural thing. It must be, because who the heck buys their wedding rings , not only individually, but also without even having set a wedding date ?' The purchase of wedding bands is one of the very last things on the " to do " list, you leave it for the end, even just few days before the ceremony. And, very often, they are a gift from the best man, or the parents or in -laws. So, a man who goes and buy his own wedding ring ( without even knowing if and when he is getting married ) sounds very bizarre to me. If I wanted to be malicious I'd say that he just wanted that ring and told you big bullshit to justify why he bought jewelry for himself, rather than buying a nice gift for you. But, I won't be malicious and chalk it up to cultural differences.
I also thought thay you may mean " engagement rings " , -which in theory makes more sense because you buy engagement rings way before the actual wedding- but even so, well, it still sounds quite bizarre. First, in most places the engagement rings is for the girl only, and second, supposing that in your country you both wear engagement rings, ditto: who is the narcissist who buys his own ring first ?!
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