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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am socially withdrawn. I have gone through alot of changes the last couple of years. The changes started with a move to a different state, which was a good thing and I was very happy. I got into a relationship and that went downhill. It was hard to lose someone I enjoyed so much, but who at the same time ripped me to shreds. Don't want to get into the whole story of my life but now I am in a place mentally where I am not feeling so great and I want to withdraw more than I have wanted to for a whiile.I haven't got much confidence and I wish I could feel not afraid when I'm with people but I do feel afraid. I don't think I'm 'special', but I don't easily feel a connection with most people I meet or know. When I have no confidence, the disconnect I feel internally enables me to feel fearful of people and what they may do or say to me. I feel afraid of being ridiculed behind my back, mocked, never taken seriously, never respected, not worthy of being treated equally, thought of as a subhuman, something that is seen as deserving to be destroyed and/or abandoned and written off forever. Yeah, I know that's ridiculous, but that is what my brain feels. I am not saying I completely embrace the fear I have as truth, but the fear rules my life especially when I feel so alone. I can't solely blame it on the past, but more on how I process it. I know my soul has a tendency to store past bad experiences, especially from childhood and teenage years, and it gives my perspective a certain hue which isn't good for me. I know it doesn't do any good, but that's the window I guess I have to look through. Not the one that I would ideally want, but if it rains, the window gives me a distorted view of people as dangerous and not kind or compassionate at all. When I was with my exboyfriend, who was a socially extroverted person who wasn't afraid in the same way as I can be, and who spent time being close to me (touching and being touched physically helps me feel like I'm loved and actually a part of this world), I didn't feel afraid and I felt open to almost anyone. I was almost socially gregarious like I used to be when I was a small kid. It felt good to feel like my fear was finally almost completely gone. The gradual loss of this relationship with him has coincided with my confidence dying again, and my tolerance or openness towards people has died too with it, again. I thought I'd keep the lesson after losing my place in life with him, but I guess I keep it only in a fragment.So, it's pathetic, but I miss some type of closeness with someone. I miss what it feels like to feel like I am part of the world. I am far from most of my old friends and almost every person I know from the past uses FB or myspace and I check up on them when I can, am too excited when someone gets ahold of me. It's becoming compulsive because it reminds me I have friends, or I had friends. Even my ex is on it and I grow more compulsive as he sends me stuff on there and it reminds me of what it was like to be his friend in real life. I've become totally addicted to using the computer because it is like a door attached to all of the minds of all of the people I can't see or talk to in person right now, or anymore, aside from on the phone. It helps me feel safer than when I read a book or just sit around and think, because in a sad way, it's almost like a life form...a place I can always interact with and compulsively make sure that my people are still there. The quality of life goes down when I'm so afraid of feeling alone in a dreaded way, that I feel compelled to be on the computer whenever I have spare time, or watching a TV. I never used to be like this, until I almost lost my fear while with my ex, and then regained it hardcore. I hate TV and internet, but am always using them now. My question is, not what I should do with my life, but what should I think about people so that I can lose my fear of them? It's obvious what I should do. I'll just put that stuff down right here so you don't have to: Get off the internet for a month. Avoid the t.v., take a walk, join a club or get a hobby! Meet new people! Take a class! What have you not done with your life that you've always wanted to do? Now would be the perfect time. Let go of the past, and cut all contact with your ex on FB. Volunteer and help those less fortunate than yourself, realize that someone is in a worse place than you are in life. It could always be worse, etc. Advice like that is practical, but one can go through all of these motions (I have), but thought for me overrules action. I could be feeding soup to shriveled babies or taking up a new hobby or whatever people do with their time, but when I have no confidence and feel disconnected, I internally still feel awful and afraid, and it's obvious on the surface so it effects my social interactions negatively. When I'm feeling bad like this, interacting with strangers actually heightens this internal frenzy and panicky emptiness and general fear. I have found that to be true time and time again. I have done it. When I take a class/engage in social hobby/volunteer with strangers/etc I feel worse, not better because of the way I internally react. I might love the idea of helping people, but how does it feel to work with others I don't feel close to on a project intent on helping people? Not great. I don't enjoy it when I already feel so alone.So that's why I ask what should I think about people that I am not thinking? What is something I need to realize about people, that will actually help me enjoy being with them, particularly when I don't know them that well, and don't have a reason to trust them? Certain thoughts have changed my life. Please help me find a thought that can help me change my life again in a positive direction.
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female
reader, visione  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 I agree with par0dy, you should seek counseling if you can - it will help you change your way of thinking. I was in a similar situation until I realized how negative/pessimistic/irrational my thoughts were, and my counselor told me the best thing to do was re-wire how I thought.
And you are right in that your feelings of disconnect and paranoia (if I may put it that way) are caused by lack of confidence. If you can love yourself and be confident... most of your current thoughts should slowly subside. They might not disappear, but it won't be like now where they get in your way of leading a healthy and happy life.
When you say you feel like people are mocking you and such, do you also feel anxiety with that? Moving to a new place and breaking up with someone you felt very close and open with (sounds like you built quite a bit of dependency on him if him leaving has left you in a state like this - or were you like this before?) can cause quite a bit of stress on your life, even if you are happy with the moving decision.
If you are a highly motivated person and you don't find counseling/therapy helpful, at least look into some self-help books.
A
female
reader, Par0dy +, writes (1 February 2010):
You write about yourself like I wrote about myself in the past. Everything in your post is eerily familiar.
You seem to think you know everything you think you need to do (but can't) to fix your current problem, but from my past experience, I can tell you that your problems go much deeper than anything that can be fixed by not going on a computer, or volunteering to help shriveled babies.
You (like I) rely heavily on outside influences to form an opinion of yourself. (Why else would you be asking us to help you find a thought that can help change your life in a positive direction?) I can't tell you that you won't ever be ridiculed, that you will always be taken seriously, always respected, treated equally...you wouldn't believe me if I did anyway. You are an intelligent person. You've recognized that you are ill-equipped to handle your current problems. Please devote some of your internet time and locate a highly-rated counseling service/trusted mental health provider in your area and make an appointment for an assessment. I believe that a counseling service can benefit you by providing you with new ways of thinking, coping skills, and tools to handle social anxiety.
I wish you the best! :-)
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