A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello ,I'm a 30year old female expecting my first child . It has been a roller coaster ride the last few years . Me and my husband had trouble conceiving and took treatment for 4 yrs . Last year I also suffered an accident and had to have surgery for that . After all that finally I underwent fertility treatment and conceived and here I am . Also due to this I had to quit my job and we had to move to a new city .This city is away from where his mother stays . Last month there was a small family issue and my mother in law in her craziness spoke I'll of my parents and I was so hormonal and messed up and I started crying . Anyway so I thought I let go of that and I told my husband this incident since he was not around when it happened . He supported his mother and justified her action with very little consideration for my point of view . This made me extremely angry and was acting cold with him since then . Then finally we spoke about it and he said it was his mistake for not having been more sensitive about it and we decided to put this issue aside . Well besides this he is always guilty of having left his mother alone in the other city since she is a widow . He wants to go meet her every other weekend when I hardly get to see him myself .Also he has left for an overseas work trip and I have hardly seen him thrice in the last 4 months of this pregnancy . Now after all this making up I yet feel a lot of resentment for my husband .. I am not able to let go of how he has behaved this entire pregnancy and made me feel lonely . Had abandoned me mentally . And he also continues to fill in his duties as a son when he can hardly be a dutiful husband when I need him the most . He seems to think seeing me one weekend in between his work makes it ok to go visit his mother the next week . Like r is justified since he has balanced it . What I don't understand is I feel these rushes of resentment and hatred for my husband even though I do deeply love him . I almost want to give up on this marriage Is this normal ? Am I the one at fault here ? What should I do ?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 April 2016):
 The things we want and need most is out partner to be by our side, and I can see why you found it hard to let go, think of the little baby growing inside you, some day you might have a disagreement with their partner and they won't know who's side to choose, I guess you know you need to forgive him in order for you both to move forward. Your hormones won't help with this at the moment, and neither will the distance or living in a new city. I agree one weekend every two weeks is not enough to see each other, have you both discussed how it is going to be when the baby arrives? As with a new born am sure you will be stressed and need the support.
I can understand that he needs to work, I do see why he would want to go visit his mother. I suggest you try and find mother and baby groups to attend so that you can meet new people and create new friends.
I can see why you would be uncomfortable making such a journey with him, you need to be firm with him and tell him when the baby is here he needs to make an effort when he is not working to help you and to support you.
Once the baby is born and you still hold a grudge to him, then maybe the best thing you can both do is go to couple counselling, talk it through with a professional and hopefully you can get past it.
A
male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (21 April 2016):
Anonymous your hormones are all over the place due to your pregnancy. Every thing has been compounded: you fell pregnant, you resigned your job, moved to a new city were you don't know anyone and don't have any family close by. Your husband is away during the week and you only see him one weekend out of every two. It is no wonder you feel lonely you need to talk to your husband and sort things out. You and your husband need to develop a strong bond. Your husbands work schedule does not make for a good family as he is away a lot.You need to develop new friends and stay in contact with your friends from where you lived. You need to develop interests for your self to make you happy. Your husband probably feels he is the meat in the sandwich with you and his mother.If worst comes to worst can you go back to where you lived and get another job etc, presumably you would be closer to your family back where you lived before. Try to find happiness in yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you aunt honesty .. You were right about everything you said. Yes the resentment was from the fact that he didn't stand up for me . I am unable to let go of it .
I did tel him I get lonely and that's why he spent the two weekends with me . Yes only the weekend not mid week and that's due to the work commitments .
It's a 6 hour drive to my mother in laws place and I really cannot travel there at this point in pregnancy .
But what do I do now to get over this building resentment which maybe hormones is also contributing
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (20 April 2016):
At the moment your hormones are all over the place and it sounds like you are quite emotional.
Okay so you and his mother had an argument, the best thing he could have done was stay out off it instead of sticking up for his mother, but you cannot make him choose between you and his mother in arguments, the best thing you can do is not involve your husband at all then it should not be a problem.
If I am being honest I can see why your husband feels guilty leaving your mother when she is alone. I am unsure why you both had to move away from home but am sure it has been difficult on you both without family or friends around, this doesn't help you while you are pregnant because at the moment you are looking for support and if you are in a city where you don't know anyone well then you are relying only on your husband which might make it difficult for you both.
Look you both spoke and he apologized so the argument should be water under the bridge, try and put it to bed and move forward from it.
When you say he has made you feel lonely your entire pregnancy have you actually told him how you feel? Have you told him what you want from him? The thing with men is they don't get hints you just need to tell them straight out.
If I am being honest it sounds like you have resentment that he spends time with his mother, but if you look at it in the bigger picture does he spend more time with her overall than you? Can you not go and spend time with him and his mother so that you don't feel left out?
I don't think it is unreasonable for him to go and visit his mother every second week, I think you might just be still bitter from the argument, do you see each other midweek at all or is it only a weekend every two weeks you have contact? Maybe his work commitments are stressing him at the moments as well, am sure he feels stuck in the middle between you and his mother and that cannot feel nice. I don't think you should rely on him so much, I think you should try make friends and be independent as well.
I think the hatred comes from the argument and him not taking your side, also that you feel lonely and abandoned. It is never easy moving to a new place, it sounds like you are lonely there and you are blaming your husband for that.
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