A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my bf and i have been together for more than 2 years. he's a nice guy, quiet and loyal. but lately we've been having problems because of this female colleague. we have set boundaries before that he can only go out with female co-workers if they are in a group/team. he always obeyed this and we didn't have major issues until this new female colleague came about. this female colleague works in the same department as him and they sit diagonally to each other. i am fine with them being friends/hanging in groups and casually talking as co-workers. last year on one event, my bf was supposed to go to the event with his married male colleague (just the 2 of them) but at the last minute, this girl insisted to come with them. the thing is, the male colleague will just fetch them at a certain place so my bf and the girl will meet-up alone there earlier! i felt this was almost against the boundaries that we have set and i voiced my concern to him that i dont want him meeting up with a girl alone. but then we let it pass, as long as this doesnt happen again. things went on well between us again, but then last month there was another event and the same scenario happened. my bf would hitch a ride with his male colleague, and this girl asked to come with them again! to my dismay, my bf and his male colleague said yes. i got very mad with my bf since i feel that this girl is getting too close to him and always hitching rides going to/from events with him. i feel that the girl is getting used to being with my BF outside work which she has no business to be! this makes me feel uncomfortable and is against the boundaries we have clearly set before, since the 2 of them will have some alone time again, while the male colleague is not yet there. i would have no problem if the 3 of them would be together all the time, but the risk of having just the 2 of them together for some time, enjoying each other's company scares me. to add up, i found some texts from the girl in my bf's cell. one particular text i didn't like was a flirty bday message sent by the girl to my bf. i found around 5 text messages from the girl, with 1 reply from my bf. normally this would be fine, but it just added to my doubts about this girl's intentions. my bf swears (and I know) that there is nothing going on between them and he is not cheating. what makes me upset is that this girl causes us to fight since our boundaries are being crossed. i am disappointed that my bf knew i was upset about this but he hasn't done anything to stop it yet and it even happened twice. i am upset that my bf knows i am uncomfortable with this setting, yet he hasn't made any big effort to avoid this girl in those 2 scenarios. i continue to explain to him that i am very uncomfortable with him going out together with this girl, and if it happens again i will break up with him. he promises that he will obey the boundaries and the next time this girl asks to go to an event with him, he will make up some excuse to decline. what else can i do? i want to trust him but i am afraid that he will once again be unable to SAY NO to this girl. i have been cheated on before by my ex, hence the difficulty to trust easily again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): I have been cheated on before also. So I understand the concern you have. But sweetie, you are border line overly jealous and possessive. Think about how awkward it must be for your boyfriend. He seems like a generally nice guy. It must sound so rude for him go out of his way to avoid this girl he works with.
In your mind, it shouldn't matter to him what she feels or if he is a little rude to her, because he should care more about your feelings. And that's partly right. But he has to see this girl at work all the time. How childish does it sound to say, "I can't talk to you." girl: "why?" bf: "because my girlfriend won't let me." he is a grown man. Treat him as such.
As far as the events you mentioned. He never once tried purposely to be alone with her. He didn't even invite her. So what if they are alone together for a little while before the 3rd guy shows up. What do you think will happen? They are gonna pull over on the side of the highway and have wild crazy sex? How realistic is that? Would you ever do that to your boyfriend? What makes you think he would do that to you?
I fear you have given him so many rules and limitations, after a while it will be too much to bear. It's like holding sand. The harder you squeeze, the more you lose. You need to understand there will be times when he is going to be alone, with a girl. You need to trust him.
Is there a chance, (however minuscule), something MIGHT happen? Yes. Is it LIKELY to happen? No. You can't control his world to where he will never be tempted. And if you try, you will either lose him or make him unhappy.
And as hard as it is, you need to trust him. There's a chance you might get hurt (miniscule); but there is a chance you could lose him if you're too controlling also. Probably more so than the chance he will cheat.
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