A
female
age
30-35,
*olaK
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We are both 23 and met in our first year of university. I did not take uni seriously initially and ended up failing and being suspended for 2 years for it. I was struggling financially and relied on him (he has a wealthy family), and he resented my lack of meeting him halfway (I also came from a poor family who can't help much). I studied part time at another uni while working part time. Meanwhile, my partner has been very successful and is now completing his Master's degree at a prestigious uni on the other side of the world. We have been doing long distance for a year. He wants me to move to his country after I graduate in 6 months and find a job there but I am reluctant - I fear that he has grown controlling, though he says that I am too sensitive. He tells me that I "need him to make my decisions for me" and says he just "wants me to be a functional human being". I am not sure why he says this now as I am now studying a subject that I am good at and have been getting much better grades (even top of the class in one class) and no longer rely on him financially. He is very frustrated that we started out at the same level at uni but I have taken twice as long to graduate as him. He tells me that "everyone tells him to break up with me" which makes me feel terrible. When I told him that he makes me feel quite low about myself, he said that he "doesn't make me feel bad - rather, he makes me have realizations about myself that cause me to feel bad." He also ridicules my views; for example, when I said I would like a partner that has empathy for people from all jobs and backgrounds, he told me that I "don't know what I want" and said that I will grow out of this in 2 years. He values putting in time for people he can derive a benefit from. He also holds the view that it is ok to control others who cannot help themselves if it makes them better off. I wrote him a letter about I am reluctant to move overseas because of how he lowers my self-esteem and that I felt that he was being controlling. He says that I am too sensitive and that the letter shows that I do not understand his position, and that as he has told me before, there is a consequence for every action as there will be for my letter. I asked if that was a threat and he said "not really, I don't have the energy for that anymore" and he "we should be nice to each other in the time we have left." So does he want to accept that this will end without taking my feelings into consideration?? I do not feel valued at all. Yes I have made mistakes and I have apologized for causing frustration, but I am doing what I can to do well now and graduate. I want to make better decisions for myself, e.g. stop visiting my dysfunctional family when it turns toxic every time (an example of a bad decision I make that makes him think he should control my decisions, since he is the one I run to when I have family issues). I suggested that we get external help and he said "if you wanted to see someone, you wouldn't have written that letter" - but I was only trying to communicate my feelings. ? I want a boyfriend that encourages me to be a better person without feeling the need to impose control. What should I do? Does he have the right to say this to me given my past? I never feel good enough and feel emotionally drained. He used to cry when I once talked down about myself and said "I would rather you put me down than yourself down". But since he moved overseas to all his luxury, he has become so cold and tells me to snap out of it. Please help.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 July 2018):
 Honestly nobody here can tell you what to do you should go with tour guy feelings. You know deep down you won’t be happy with him, he has proven that he thinks he is better than you. In a relationship the other person should raise your self esteem not bring it down. I think this relationship has ran it’s course and you should end it carry on with your studies and down the road meet someone who makes you feel special and caring. Only you can make the decision.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2018): You can find better.He is a abuser.To get you to move to isolate yourself is what he wants.Next the abuse will get pysical.Then after that you will be dead.Sorry to be blunt but what he is doing is textbook.You can do better.You can find a man who really loves you.This guy just wants someone to control and own.Dump him while you can do not look back ever. Believe me read abuse stories..they are all the same.I have read your story before but about other victims.The one thing about abusers is it will never stop only get worse.RUN
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 June 2018):
 DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM!
I do not give that advice lightly but this sentence - "I never feel good enough and feel emotionally drained" - says all I need to read about your relationship. (The rest of your post made for very uncomfortable reading as well.)
Sweetheart, how do you think your future is going to be? Is this how you want to live for years to come, until your partner (husband by then?) decides that, despite HIS best efforts, you are still not good enough? Or until he grinds you down to such an extent that you buckle under and do exactly as he orders? You do realize that NOTHING you do will ever be good enough for him, don't you? He has very rigid views on what SHOULD be and, if you don't toe the line, you will he chastised by being ridiculed and talked down to and made to feel inferior.
His views about controlling others and about richer/more influential people being "above" those who are less so would be an INSTANT deal breaker for me. He is not a nice human being. Can you not see that?
Yes, you made mistakes in your young life. Who of us hasn't? It is not your partner's place to use that against you and keep reminding you. Also you do not have to feel obligated to him just because he helped support you financially for a while. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you should keep paying that back for the rest of your life.
You are to be commended for coming back from such a bad start at Uni, picking yourself up and ploughing on. Many have given up after less set-back than that. You have the strength of character to hang in there. It is irrelevant that you are a couple of years behind where you would be if things hadn't gone bad. You are still moving forward, and you will reach your goal in your own time. Don't let him make you feel inferior in some way. If anything, you are SUPERIOR because, DESPITE a set-back, you are still going to achieve your goal.
Reading through your post, every view or opinion you have he seems to ridicule or contradict. Do you enjoy how you feel when he talks to you like that? Do you like the person you are around him? I doubt the answer to either of those questions is affirmative. How could it be?
You have demonstrated how strong you CAN be by how you have handled your studies. Now take that strength of character and apply it to your personal life. Minimize contact with the toxic family, if seeing them only drags you down. You are an adult now and don't need to get dragged into their issues. Then show this patronising condescending controlling man you CAN make good life decisions for yourself by dumping him. You sound like you know EXACTLY what you want - someone who encourages you to grow freely - which is what a good healthy relationship should be about. THIS relationship will NEVER be about that.
Ask yourself "do I deserve to be happy?" Of course you do. Then ask yourself "does this man make me happy?" You know the answer to that one as well.
You sound like a well-adjusted, strong, decent human being. You need to be with another decent human being to make you feel complete and to help you grow. This man is never going to be that.
Realize how special you are and take back control of your life. I am sure, given your inner strength, you will do well in the future. Most importantly, be happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 June 2018):
 Honestly, OP?
You don't owe him squat. He wants you to be so grateful that you will say "how high" when he says :"jump".
Yes, he took financially care of you but that was HIS choice. He didn't HAVE to. So no, if you don't WANT to move to his country then don't.
I would LOVE to know which country he is from if you care to share?
Sure, you dicked around and wasted 3 "potential" years you could have studied because you went to Uni before you had an idea of what you want. You aren't the first to do that and you won't be the last. My older brother spend 4 years! in college and dropped out when he was in his teen/early 20. But he DID pick himself up and finished a MBA and now has a pretty high flying career and HAS had that for over 20 years.
YOU have picked yourself up and is working towards a good education and then I presume a career.
What you are seeing now is him on HOME COURT. This is probably how he would act if you moved there. He is in HIS environment.
I seriously think he believes he is superior to you. I think that might be how he was raised and who he is. He thinks because you come from a poorer dysfunctional home you can't think for yourself or make your own choices. Basically, you are the child. The powerless one.
If everyone tells him to break up with you and he CHOOSES not to, it's either because he sees the 5 years you have had as an investment he doesn't want to lose. He is TELLING you that EVERYONE is saying he should dump you... TO MAKE you feel like shit. And it's working. It makes you feel like you OWE him something, that you should be grateful that he is still dating you.
He is who he is and even with counseling HE WILL not change OP. He doesn't want external help because he doesn't think HE is the one doing ANYTHING wrong - that is ALL you. the thing is, OP you are not the sum of your fuck ups. But that is how he sees you.
You say:
"I said I would like a partner that has empathy for people from all jobs and backgrounds"
"I want a boyfriend that encourages me to be a better person without feeling the need to impose control."
You are dating the WRONG person. This is NOT who your BF is or wants to be. He sees no reason or need to change. Not for you. After all, he had achieved the goals HE has set (some of the major ones at least) so he feels HE is on the right path and in the right.
If you REALLY want a empathetic, supportive BF - you need to end this relationship and work on yourself and then... find someone who is what you want. Dating someone and then trying to mold/change then into what YOU want... it isn't realistic.
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