A
female
age
41-50,
*o-confused
writes:Hi,My boyfriend of six months has become really distant and I am concerned that he is cheating. He has questioned his love for me in the past, and has admitted to being "sick of me" before. From time to time he does make an effort, such as when he wants sex and when we have an event to go to.I am really hurting because he keeps cancelling plans to see me and it has been almost 3 weeks since we have seen each other. He doesn't seem phased by this at all and keeps saying how money and work comes first, and how he is "too tired" to drive to see me and that I should make effort to see him (I would except due to a recent car accident I have no car).I on the other hand, have spent countless hours missing him and crying because I feel rejected. If I express this to him, he either gets angry or just hangs up the phone.He keeps using work as an excuse and I fear that this relationship is falling apart. I love him deeply and don't want this to happen. I want to know of a way to try and save this relationship.Why do ppl think he is distancing himself from me?Please help. My heart is broken.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Dump him! I had one just like that when I was in my very early 20's. Believe me, there are so many other men out there that will treat you so much better. You just have not met them yet.
And please, please get therapy for yourself so that you will be able to recognize bad treatment when you receive it in the future. I think I did not see it, when I was very young, because my father treated my mother and myself horribly and so when I was treated that way, it seemed "normal". It is not.
You need to make some boundary rules of what you will and will not accept from men you date.
Dump him. You deserve far better treatment than you're getting from this loser.
A
female
reader, elektra  +, writes (3 October 2010):
boys are always ready when it comes to sex, and maybe you have to follow his game. I think it is better that at least once and was given better to go to to meet HIM and then not to call if he is interested on you, he will call you, otherwise we do and a final attempt, go back to meet and say how you feel and if he is not able to change behavior toward you, then believe it and for you is best to seperate. said that it is better to lose something good, in order to gain something even better! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, elektra +, writes (3 October 2010):
boys are always ready when it comes to sex, and maybe you have to follow his game. I think it is better that at least once and was given better to go to to meet HIM and then not to call if he is interested on you, he will call you, otherwise we do and a final attempt, go back to meet and say how you feel and if he is not able to change behavior toward you, then believe it and for you is best to seperate. said that it is better to lose something good, in order to gain something even better! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): I fear this is not going to be what you want to hear, but the reality of HOW you have explained the situation with this man, is that you do NOT have a relationship with him, as he is clearly not demonstrating any elements of someone who is even slightly infatuated or interested in being a boyfriend.
I'm so sorry you are hurting, and this can't be easy for you, when someone is as clear as I have been, but I believe we have to face certain situations which are beyond our control, as it is very much part of life. And, this is one of them.
I'm concerned for you, that after ONLY six months, you say he has already told you he " sick of you" which for me, would be the END of anything I thought I had with this person. Then you say he's questioned his love for you, please, as hard as it is,please try to see this relationship is not going to be the ' Fairy Tale' ending you so desperately want.
If people fall in love within the FIRST six months, this is a period of GROWTH, getting closer and closer, equal in-put of love and affection where it's the honeymoon period providing the foundations for the next stage, and this is NOT you and this man. I have not called him your boyfriend as he does not act like a boyfriend, and I want you to see this.
And as for you saying he does make some effort from time to time, when he wants SEX ( you didn't even say make love) It was a factual statement about a man who basically acts with a few smiles and niceties from time to time so he can have SEX...then revert to his single status and NOT contact you for weeks, THREE WEEKS...regardless of any of the excuses, explanations he's giving, we both know, this is an EXCUSE because he is not into this relationship.
Please DON'T contact him,or cry on the phone to him - Do that in the privacy of your own surroundings. It is time for you to STEP back, and by doing so, and I mean absolutely NO contact at all for say SIX WEEKS, this would be long enough for you to SEE If he really is someone special, time for you to really think about he's treated you, what he has said to you, because right now you can't see anything but wanting him, and you need to think about WHY you want a man that clearly does not love you or is very nice to you.
Secondly, if he is given the opportunity to MISS something that he has had in the palm of his hands, he MAY, only may, just start to miss you, but he can't do that, IF YOU constantly pour out emotions to him, it will have the opposite affect. Let him go!!!
If after a few weeks he doesn't call, then I'm afraid you know the answer, it was already over, and YOU and him must move on separately. It would also give you some grieving and thinking time, also to start healing, albeit slowly, especially if you love deeply. But it would be a start.
You cannot make someone LOVE YOU, you just can't, and my feeling from your question, is that he has never fallen in love with you. Lots of people talk about love initially, IF there is a lot of attraction, but what this is actually, is just initial infatuation, which soon fades within weeks, sometimes days, when not the real thing,as in this man's case..sadly not for you though, so just be kind to yourself, allow yourself to go through this stage at your own pace, and hopefully soon you will find someone who really loves you as you sound lovely and giving.
Good luck!
Jilly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): First off, Im glad youre safe from your car accident. I hope it was not too bad. lol one time i rear ended a woman on valentines day!!! Smoothe i know...;)
Okay, I feel this guy is being immature and has an obvious communication issue. If he's working and saving money there is no reason for him to put emotion into the subject with being upset or angry when you ask him whats up. Its a simple question that unless, hopefully, you didnt sound accusatory as that can put us men in a fiendishly defensive manner and can easily blow up at you.
I feel he is ending the relationship rather passive aggressively and could be doing it for reasons I dont know. Based on what you have said, it is perhaps he feels you are depending on him and a lot of men do not like this as it comes across needy. Im not saying you are needy, but its likely he has the wrong impression of it and you just flat out miss him. I, myself, can distinguish the difference. I think some guys have trouble so they become insecure in not knowing whats going on and so they run away so they dont have to deal with it. And when they do, they lie and do so to avoid any conflict or even just try to validate themselves which he did with money and work.
I think this joker is in fact interested in another woman because of his distance, and the way he treats you.
I dont mean to sound so negative. Heres the positive end. Youre likely dealing with an immature man. He's lacking communication skills def. He doesnt know how to end a relationship properly. You want a guy who can communicate his good and bad feelings effectively to you, not this guy.
He's perhaps an all talk guy and no action. He says he'll do stuff with you but doesnt follow thru and makes up an excuse to cancel. You want a guy who will follow thru with things. I have had trouble with this myself I admit but hopefully ive improved with it.
Little signs like this may subconsciously also tell a woman "okay he says he'll do it, but he cancels" and can imply whether he is willing to commit to something be it an event or even the relationship itself.
If he's not phased at all by his actions, this could mean he has somehow found closure with you to move on. My ex did the same. Some people go from lovey dovey to ever so cold hearted in a short span. It can happen. I fear this guy is doing this to u.
The best thing for you to do is maintain your integrity and tell the guy how you feel and what should be done. Be a mature woman here. He's being angry and playing games blah blah...hes a jerk dont stoop down to his level. Youre an intelligent, confident woman who knows how to handle things. I think you should confront him, straighten things out if possible, but if he is indeed seeing another woman...dont chase him. dont try it. he'll give u no emotion and will only make things worse. Best to you and youre more than welcome to message me for any concerns :)
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