| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband of 10 years is currently residing in Spain because of his work. His tenure is 4 months and he is returning in May. I have been suffering extreme anxiety worrying if he is having his sexual needs met there without me. 4 months is a long time to go without sex for men. I have just begun speaking with a therapist but he so far has only given me breathing exercises and I don't feel they are helping much. I hope in time I can get a better handle on my fears with therapy. But in the meantime, it has been hard on me. And all I find myself doing is worrying about my husband and if he has met someone in Spain. I try to breathe and I breathe endlessly but the thoughts keep coming back. He cheated on me early on in our marriage but we worked through it. I have accompanied him on trips in the past. We have no children. But with the pandemic here, we figured it was best if I remained at home. How can I have any peace of mind while he is away? I have always struggled to trust him at the best of times. :( He is an outgoing and charismatic man who talks to people easily and goes out of his way to help others.
View related questions:
cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (1 April 2021):
 Always worrying if someone will betray is a waste of energy. Trust yourself enough to know that you can handle it when they do. You can walk away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): You did decided to let him go without you. Is your anxiety disorder something that you recently developed?
Seems you'd be more afraid he'd get infected with covid? You think he'd risk his life during a raging pandemic for the sake of sex?
I don't really know how breathing helps; but you could also get yourself a hobby that requires concentration and dexterity to distract you. Needle-point, knitting, painting, or any kind of handicraft. Anything that would focus your concentration on something artistic and creative. Sign-up for an online workout class. Watch meditation and relaxation videos. If you're sitting around idle, while stewing in your thoughts; I don't see how breathing is helping you much!
You have to adapt to the situation, or go out of your mind. What's it going to be?
You'll just have to learn to trust your husband; or divorce him, if it will make you sick every-time he's out of your sight for any extended period of time.
Tell your therapist if the breathing-exercises aren't helping. It seems to me your doctor is pretty much telling you this is something you can handle with some self-control and distraction from your thoughts. Otherwise, some other form of therapy would have been advised.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 March 2021):
 Stoicism.
Look into it. There are plenty of books on how to practise that in life. IT can be helpful to someone like you who is obsessively worrying.
Basically, it's a philosophy that teaches you to LET go of all the things you can't control and focus on the ones you CAN. And how to have a less chaotic life.
A man can survive JUST fine with no sex for 4 months. 4 months is nothing. Think of all the soldiers who are deployed for much longer. Your husband is in possession of 2 hands, right? So if he feels VERY horny he can take care of business with the right or the left hand. It will hold him over until he gets home.
There is no excuse for cheating. No one NEEDS sex to survive.
You say you struggle to trust him, why?
Because he is outgoing? So what? That doesn't mean he can't be faithful. My husband is VERY social. I'm not. That doesn't mean he can't be at social events and NOT cheat. Or keep his penis to himself when meeting new people. Attractive people even. It's not hard.
If your husband has never cheated on you, then YOU need to work on HOW you can build trust in him, HOW you can manage your insecurities. Because those are YOUR issues, and yours to FIX. Not him.
Also, WHAT can you do IF he does cheat while away? YOU worrying about it is SURELY not going to stop him. A cheater will cheat. A FAITHFUL spouse will not.
Keep working on yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 March 2021):
 I think that when he cheated on you early on in the marriage, you say you worked through it, which he was probably very happy about because most people would have given him his marching orders. The working through it was of a benefit to him, but I don't think that you have been able to trust him since.
He never cheating on you in your early courting days, he cheated on you after you both walked down the aisle and he swore faithfulness to you.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together. One this trust barrier has been broken it's very difficult to come back from and most relationships fizzle out over time.
Your trust for him has clearly been broken, as your at home enduring thoughts of him being unfaithful, and these thoughts and feelings are enough to drive one up the wall. Because he broke your trust early on in the marriage i'm not sure that will ever fully trust him again, no matter how much breathing exercises or therapy you have.
If you think you can get over this then all well and good. But if you are going to continue torturing yourself then you might want to consider if this marriage is really for you.
...............................
|
