A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I think my relationship is dying but I don’t know how to save it.My partner and I have been having relationship issues for almost 18 months and it’s not helping my mental health as I have PND (being in a pandemic with several lockdowns also hasn’t helped). I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel but he doesn’t make me feel like I can. He doesn’t engage in conversation much and doesn’t ask how I am or what we can do and when I try he makes no effort. One day I told him ‘I don’t want to wake up tomorrow’ and he said ‘that’s a bit depressing’ and it made me feel worse. A few weeks later he said ‘do you not think you need counselling or something then’ after we had another argument and I said I don’t feel like myself. I told him I was having CBT therapy but he hasn’t asked since how it’s going, whether it’s helping me, how I feel, what I do in the sessions. He has a very childish and cheeky character so always try’s to be the funny one and make everything a joke but when I try and talk about our relationship, our future he doesn’t take it serious. I want another child but I’m not 100% certain that he is the one. We have a 2 year old and when we have arguments he always mentions about me leaving (knowing I wouldn’t have anywhere to go as I don’t have parents/close family), which always makes me feel anxious and worried as I wouldn’t leave my son but I’d have no where to live if we split up. I have decided I want to change my profession and I want to become a nurse which would mean going back to college/Uni but he isn’t being as supportive or encouraging as I hoped. He just answers my questions and doesn’t seem bothered. I just don’t know how to address the situation or get him to talk to me and have a serious conversation. Any help would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2021): Is the problem that he's being unsupportive, or is he just immature and "inexperienced?" You called him your partner, that's generic. The heading given by the moderator called him your husband. I assume he's your boyfriend. Was there a time you were all alone and things weren't going so well? He showed-up, and he was your rescuer! Was he the guy who came along when you had nobody? So many people come to DC declaring they are orphans, no parents, no siblings, not a single person on the planet who shares their DNA. I take that with a grain of salt. It usually means they've escaped dysfunctional-families, left abusive-situations, were kicked-out, or ran-away from home.
Here's a few lessons about life, my dear.
He knows you suffer mental-health problems. He has spent most of your relationship dealing with them. He's not sure what you can and cannot cope with. Nursing school is a very mentally-strenuous and very challenging academic-pursuit. It's a lot of pressure, requires deep concentration, good math and science skills; and you have to be fully dedicated to it. He clowns around, to divert you from depression or distress. He has been conditioned to be a certain way around you. It's not entirely his fault!
You're too young for there to be no surviving relatives. Sometimes having nowhere to go is what happens when you've burned all your bridges; or you wanted some guy so badly, that you'll disown your disapproving-family (and friends) to be with him. They don't like him, but you wanted to prove them wrong. Maybe you've even given-up a job, your own place, and postponed your dreams for him. After all this, it's hard to admit they were right; when you've made such a dramatic departure from everybody you call family (or friends). Often it was in rebellion, to show them you aren't going to listen to them; you're going to instead follow your heart. This may not be true for you; but you don't have to explain, if you don't wish to. If your past childhood is full of pain or abuse; then it may be true, you have no place to go. Yet!
It still leaves the question of where did you come from before you met this guy? From some distant galaxy out in the multiverse?
I will assume you're both in your early twenties, a couple of struggling young inexperienced parents. You're just now deciding what you want to do with your life; and you've made the announcement you want to become a nurse. He's like...meh! Well, he probably isn't taking you seriously; because up to now, you're both just living day-to-day without much of a plan. Maybe you've made a lot of announcements of aspirations before that never came to completion, or never materialized.
You don't need his permission, and he doesn't have to do backflips to show how happy he is for you. Having a kid between you does raise some concerns about how you will fulfill your dream...and take care of your toddler? His support would be helpful from the practical perspective; because you both have a kid! Just leaving him obviously isn't feasible at the moment! Everything is projected into the future, but you've got to deal with the present.
Maybe his playfulness and refusal to take you seriously is because joking and kidding is his "defense-mechanism." He really doesn't always have a suggestion or solution. He's not sure if you really mean what you say either! Deep-conversations with you may not be easy to sit through. There are always two-sides to every story! If you never see the glass half-full, and can only tell him his faults and shortcomings. Nope! He will never sit-down, or be serious! He knows what those heavy talks feel like; so he'll dither and act foolish to dodge them!
I speculate that when you get into your moods; he feels he has to lighten the atmosphere and lift the tension with humor. If you're a Debbie-downer, always super-serious, you've mentioned no friends, and claim to have no family; then HE is your captive audience. Maybe he has learned how to escape being cornered into a serious conversation with you. He's playful, but more optimistic by contrast. He doesn't get to tell his side; so he gets some benefit of the doubt.
You became a mother before you made this new career choice; so maybe he just doesn't know if becoming a nurse is attainable. Considering somebody has to work, and somebody has to mind your kid. It means you either go to school part-time, and work part-time; but somebody has to work full-time. Meanwhile, who minds the kid? You've got to get your priorities in order! How will you pay for nursing school? Will you be able to afford to pay the bills, daycare, rent, and tuition? At this point nursing school is an idea, or dream; but he knows there is a whole lot of reality you've got to deal with in the meantime. That's no joke!
We receive many posts from OPs regarding a lack of support or interest shown by their partners; when it comes to dealing with their problems, dreams, or emotional issues. I think this is such a common theme these days; because we live in a very self-centered culture. The "me-generation" where everyone vies for their 15-minutes of fame, their place in the spotlight, have their own selfish-goals, and they want to be the center of attention.
When dating, does anybody really evaluate their prospective matches and love-connections to make sure they have that "supportive-gene" and a nurturing-personality to begin with? It's also important to possess all those great personality-traits you look for in others; and that you can personally fulfill the kind of expectations you may set for other people.
Generally-speaking, I suspect in most cases they don't. They settle for being sexually-compatible, sharing a few things in-common; and they're in a hurry to latch-on to somebody, being tired of searching. Mainly, it's so they don't have to be alone; and because everybody else has a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or a spouse.
I think too many people neglect to evaluate the deeper character and emotional-makeup of the person they've chosen to commit to. Failing to make sure that that person has the personality and capacity to be caring, supportive, understanding, patient, affectionate, and compassionate. They take whatever's on the surface. They excuse too many character-flaws and bad-habits in others, to avoid working-on their own deficiencies. Rather than seek self-improvement. They only "presume" they're with somebody they can trust and depend on; or never really trust anybody. Seeking people to fix, or someone to fix them. They rush, and overlook all the real things they need; because good-looks and/or good-sex just about seals the deal. Then when trouble or life's challenges set-in; they're both lost, and unable to connect. Unable to sustain each-other through a crisis or an emergency. It's every man or woman for themselves! They bailout on each-other! They find fault with each-other and play the blame-game. Calling-out each-other's weaknesses during their battles; and exchanging barbs and insults, because neither-one really has a clue!
Kind of makes you wonder what "commitment" means to most people? Are wedding vows just empty ceremonial-gibberish, the words you echo after the person who officiates the wedding? Only said because tradition says you have to, but nobody really means them? What about the people who write their own vows? That's cute, but how long will they really honor them? Trouble comes, they hit a snag, somebody doesn't live-up to those promises, and it's over!
Not everybody wants to be a shoulder to cry on. Some people are not gifted with the wisdom to resolve our personal-problems. Some people are too trouble-prone, inexperienced, and unfortunate themselves; to really have a lot of time to nurse and cure the ills of a partner riddled with issues and concerns. Some people are lousy at showing their enthusiasm on-cue; or they're not saying what's really on their mind, to protect your feelings. I think he's judging you by what he knew of you at the time you met. He's wondering how committed you really are, or if this is just another career change you're aspiring to? Yet you never really follow it through. If he never takes anything seriously, why did you make him a father?
Sit-down and strategize your own plan. Set your goals. Don't look for a visible performance like a scene in a movie; where he has an ear to ear grin, and he's all excited about your plans. You both have to decide how this is going to be executed. You know he's a joker, so stop trying to change him into somebody hardnosed and serious. He isn't!
You never said you love him. I guess he didn't measure-up to what you hoped he'd be. If you want him to be serious, ask him if he can sit-down to a serious conversation for once. If not, you're losing all interest in continuing your relationship with him. Hit with that, you may grab his attention...or not. With no place to go, you'll have to plot your course on your own. Stay put! Until you have the finances to support yourself and your child...with the help of his child-support, of course!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): Hi
'
You sound quite depressed and to feel like you 'don't want to wake up in a morning' is quite concerning, as you have a young child who needs you. If you go into nursing you will have many many patients who also need you, and colleagues who will need you (team work), so having the feelings of not wanting to wake up, is a no no in nursing. You will be fully awake to how precious life and death is, you need to be upbeat and happy for the patients. Heal yourself before healing others. Get help for PND and read books so you understand what is happening.
I tend to think you have deeper issues going on here that you have not dealt with or you are just very unhappy within your relationship. I certainly think he is right in one way, that you need to address this and see a therapist or your GP. I must admit it would be very upsetting to me to hear my partner utter the words' I don't want to wake up anymore' and would definitely take notice. You seem to be reaching out for HIS help and you are not getting it, but really he can not help you. You need to help yourself and do something about this and REMEMBER you have a responsibility to wake up for your young child and be grateful that you have one, many women can not have children.
You may have to have a good talk about your relationship and if it is worth sustaining, having another child is not really a good idea at the moment, is it.
Nursing! you live in the UK, could you not train hands on in a hospital and get paid, this would help lift any financial burdens that may be causing stress. You would also get assistance with childcare. You would achieve your nursing career( vocation) quicker than University. Just a thought that getting out and working may lift some depression as well.
Hope you start to feel better and rebuild your life, If a relationship is ending then there is a new beginning. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS and thank God every morning you wake up without pain and disabilities' and can see your child's face. Good luck with the nursing...but heal yourself first or you can't heal others.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 March 2021):
 Being cheeky might be his way of handling things. Yours is to feel depressed. People handle things differently.
If you WANT to go back to school and get a nursing degree, then work on saving up to finance it yourself as HE is no help. Once you have your degree you can probably afford a place on your own for you and your son.
And no, do NOt add another baby if things are already crap.
I think he feels you are being dramatic and he doesn't know how to deal with that. Saying you don't want to wake up the next day - well that IS kind of dark and depressing, don't you think?
It's NOt his job to be your therapist, OP
YOU need to work on the issues you have. It seems you can't rely on him for much support because he probably doesn't know WHAT to do. He attempts to "cheer" you up by being "cheeky" because that is how HE works.
You don't NEED his support to go back to school. You just have to figure out HOW you can do it.
I think you have somewhat unrealistic expectations of your spouse. He isn't as mature as you want or hoped him to be. NOT that you are at fault for that. We all have expectations of our partners, sometimes they can live up to them, sometimes they can't. In your case, your partner can't.
Looking for alternative housing like Kenny suggests might also be something you should look into.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): Be a nurse.Get student loans to live.Nurses make bank..You are a smart girl.With that degree you could work anywhere in the world.Do it I have faith in you.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 March 2021):
 It sounds like from what you say that this relationship has run its course, and has been like this for some time.
I'm not going to delve in to who is right and who is wrong, but I think you need to be accepting of the fact that it's over and does not sound like they are going to get better.
You should never be in a relationship through fear of leaving, this is not helping anyone.
By your own admission you say that you want another child, but say that you are not sure he is the one.
I think you should now be making enquiries about finding alternative accommodation. Talk to the housing association and get registered, you have a 2 year old so you could be quite high on the list to get a place.
You don't have to tell him what you are doing, or what your plans are. But I think that you should do this sooner rather than later.
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