A
female
age
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*lder Newlywed
writes:Both in our 50's and only been married 10. months. We lived together happily for a year before but now bicker all the time. He feels that he has fitted into my lifestyle whilst at my house and we are now moving to his. I never wanted this but cannot argue with the logistics of, bigger, lower mortgage, convenience etc. it needed a lot of work and he has spent a lot on it whilst we lived at mine. He has now declared that it will be a no smoking zone even though I have always smoked and he does occasionally. We are both entrenched in not giving in on this, trying to compromise but I am so angry at him putting extra stress on us at this time and he cannot see my principle, if this is to be 'our home' not 'his house' then what right does he have to dictate what I can or can't do? Surely a home is the last bastion of personal freedom? How can I move forward on this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I know lots of smokers who do not smoke in their own homes.
When we first started living together my husband had quit smoking.. he has returned and he was supposed to smoke OUTSIDE... i made the mistake of letting him smoke in the house during renovations and now OUR house REEKS of cigarettes... it is in the furniture, the walls, the wood...
it's NASTY and it means i have to WASH the walls yearly. I have to wash the furniture and dust constantly... cigarette smoke and ash destroy nice things.
So while I see your POV, I see his as well.
BTW I was a 2 pack a day smoker... so I get the whole smoking thing... but when you are a non-smoker or have friends who are non-smokers they don't even want to or CAN'T come in your home.
and resale is difficult.... more folks than not do not smoke any more and they want non-smoking homes.
how about a compromise... he builds you a lovely smoking area with a shelter and a fire pit and lighting and maybe a table and plug so you can wifi out there...
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 August 2013):
 Is "the issue" that you smoke? .... and want to do so INSIDE the house that you and he share?
If "yes," then why aren't you two compromising that smoking will take place OUTSIDE the house? Why would I suggest that YOU "compromise" in this manner? Simple...
When a person smokes in a house or a car the smoke from their tobacco permeates the air. It infests EVERYTHING.... walls, ceilings, upholstery, clothing, bedding.... THAT depresses the value of that house or car dramatically.... in fact, reducing the "market" of people who would ever even consider to buy it... by about 1/2!!!
So.... consider "the question" to be - largely - should I compromise my smoking in order to keep up the value of (our) home???? Or, should I dig in my heels and say, "Screw you... I took up this filthy habit... and care not a whit that you would like to temper its effects.... I'll smoke inside.. and damn the consequences (of that smoking)...."
If'n I (and many other men) were to meet you, and learned that you smoked.... I/we never would have taken up with you in the first place....
Good luck.
P.S. A short time back, I had a tenant who smoked in my "No Smoking" cottage.... and the effect (odor) was so drastic that - upon his departure - I had to spend DAYS shampooing upholstered furniture, replace the shower curtain, do extra-duty cleaning (laundering) of ALL the bedding... AND, still had to repaint the entire interior before I could offer it for rent, again. So, YES, I am an "anti-smoking" person.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): I don't know about fairness of you not smoking in a house, but it's an awfull habit , especially of your husband doesn't smoke on a regular basis for him it must be awfull to live surrounded by cigarette smoke. I know you are at the age when old habits won't break easy, but think from his point of you. I personally could never live with someone who smokes, but in a house it's just impossible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): My grandparents were married for over 40 years and they both smoked, but my grandmother outright refused to let anyone smoke inside (herself included of course). The way she saw it, she'd spent a lot of time and effort decorating her house to get it how she liked it and she didn't want it ruined by the smell of smoke and the stains years of smoking leave on the walls etc. Maybe he just wants the house he's spent she's doing up to stay in good condition? Most likely he will get bored of going outside himself (or feeling the draft when you do) and he'll change his mind anyway. But for now why not humour him and his good intentions. When I got my new car I said there would be no eating or drinking in it and I was going to wash and valet it every week. Now I'm much less strict about it because it's become part of my regular life instead of being this new shiny toy to be protected.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 I think I know what this is. My brother did a similar thing when we lived together. When we moved into the apartment I asked him how we should arrange the furniture, and he said that I should just do it. He didn't care about it. And so I did. Then after some time of living together, he suddenly had a .. what should we call it... a tantrum? A sudden need to "express himself". He then said, like your husband is saying, that he had submitted to all "my" ideas about how we should do things. That now it should be his turn!
And you know what he did? He very firmly, without there being any logics to it, built a sort of "artwork" in the middle of the doorway. It was impossible to pass by this work of "art" without tipping it over, and it was absolutely spontaneous, and without any sense. But he decided it should stay there, and he would have no argument about it, he was furious that he hadn't had a say in the apartment.
Now, anyone could see how utterly silly such a piece of randomly gathered items was, especially in the middle of the doorway. But you know what I did? I didn't say a word. I said okay, fine, build your piece of art and put it wherever you want. He was still furious, and dared me to tip it over. Which was impossible not to, every time I passed through the door the thing fell over. But I carefully picked it up and put it back in place, and didn't say a word about it.
What happened? Well he got his satisfaction, and a few weeks later the artwork was gone. He just took it down himself, probably he got bored with it. But he had gotten his satisfaction, he had rebelled and gotten his desired (to him) results. We never said another word about it.
But you know, this thing with your husband is the same. Of course it's silly to expect you to not smoke in the house when you're a smoker and you've always smoked in the house. And of course it is silly that he should call the shots in your common house. But look, he's feeling like he hasn't had a say in things. Maybe it's all in his head, maybe he just didn't speak up when he should have. My brother could have just said something, but instead he kept it inside and said it's all "good" when I asked him how we should keep things. And maybe it's not even about that, maybe it's about him feeling insecure and like he's losing himself. This is a way for your husband to find a solid foothold.
I highly doubt it has anything to do with health effects, or not liking smoking all of a sudden. I also doubt it has anything to do with him wanting to call the shots at your house. Look, this is the only thing he's asking, right? You didn't mention anything else, so I'm thinking if there is anything else it is something minor. He just wants to have a say in the marriage, in the interior, he wants to have a say about where the closet should stand... To put it that way. He feels like he didn't get it before, hence this need to go all out and dictate something, something he can call "his".
I say let him have it. You get to have a say in everything else? For example what car you should buy, what you should eat for dinner, what colour the walls should have etc? You get to have a say in it? Then let this pass. Let him have it. His ego needs it badly, and in this case, when there is absolutely no logic to his decision, it is a clear sign he is desperate. Save your marriage, silently agree to it. Don't speak another word about it. I think once you submit to this you will find him to be a lot more pleasurable to be around. He might just end up doing like my brother did, keep the stance for a while and then suddenly just drop it. In that case, do not say another word about it. The man just needs to "win" some battles for him to feel good and happy. Let him win. It's not really worth it to fight over this, you can smoke outside the house. And with time, once he sees how you agreed to follow this rule of his, he might even find himself freezing out on the porch one time, and take away the rule and let everyone smoke inside. It's not unlikely.
Invest in a nice blanket to keep you warm, put up a cozy bench and/or heating lamp out on the porch, make it nice and it wont be bad at all to smoke outside. The fresh air will do you good, and it'll be nice to have your personal time out there just enjoying the smoke. In Norway everyone smokes outside the house, it isn't something anyone complains about, and it is actually quite enjoyable when you have more smokers with you to "go out" for a smoke, stand in the snow, look at the stars, debate the weather etc. You will learn to enjoy it.
This is just a matter of principles, your argument doesn't have any more hold in it than his. So be the bigger person, let him have this one. In return you will have a pleasant husband to be around, and you will get to have your way when it comes to other things.
Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): For me, Once a woman decided to get married, if your a christian I highly advise for you to follow what the bible sez.
Ephesians 5:22-6:9
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.
The wife is the manager of the home, but the husband is the manager of the wife.
I'm not saying for you be a doormat or just follow everything your husband tells you like a slave. You can actually gauge whether what he wants is something unacceptable or acceptable. Or say, does it makes sense or no sense at all.
I just think that you need to step down when it comes to your issue because smoking is not good for health reason.
Also it will affect the smell of the house.
You can still smoke, outside the house.
Its a tiny thing but could be a reason for you to have attitude towards your husband. It worries you to death, to think you took time to write here and ask for other people's opinion.
I'm sure if you have to choose between your hubby and smoking, you'll choose smoking ha, ha, ha.
JK.
Well your mature enough to do and choose what is right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): my question as a counselor is why the hell is this even an issue in your life? there are more important things.. run run like hell it only gets worse unless you stand up
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2013):
 My husband used to smoke outside. I didn't want smoke in the house with the kids. No smoking in the car because it's just plain nasty.
I USED to smoke (before I met hubby) so it's not like I'm a total smoke hater but I don't like my kids exposed unnecessarily. Both hubby and I grew up with Dad who would smoke (practically ) ON us, now we all know what it can do to anyone's health is was just common sense to not smoke inside (also it made hubby smoke less which I personally though was good).
So I can say I don't blame him, though it's a bit of a double standard if he smokes too.
I think you two need to sit down and find a middle-ground that works for you BOTH. It's a marriage not a dictatorship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 I suggest if not too late you remind him he has always known you are a smoker, and that based on his 'new rules' YOU have decided your rights to enjoy your home outweigh his rights to lay down the law and as a result of his forcing you into a decision you have decided you would prefer to have the right to choose to smoke in your home or not, and as a result, the smoking wins over the large house. Also advise him he can choose whether he stays in the smaller house with his smoker wife or moves to the larger, non smoking house without her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 Although I am always against smoking, I should say that it is unfair to him to lay down the law after you move in. Kind of like forcing you to quit smoking and taking away your choice before you made the legal decision.
Can you rule out medical reasons? Is he now having respiratory problems that he would rather not tell you about? Is smoking at the porch considered a compromise?
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