A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I wonder if anyone has got any tips to help me deal with this problem - I fall in love way too easy. The result of which is I give too much of myself, have sex with them before I have gotten to know them properly, ignore their bad qualities, problems and baggage because I am trying to make them fit into my template of what is right for me. And yes, I guess I have got low esteem. I do have friends but when I meet a man I just get so caught up in him that I only want to give him my attention. I convince myself that there is a special connection, with almost every man I meet and I know that this makes me vulnerable. I am not close to my family and had a turbulent time when growing up with my mother (a single parent). I also keep a relationship going even after it becomes obvious to me that the man is not the right one.I am 39 now and I don't want to carry on like this. Why do I still behave like a teenager and how can I slow down? I also fall out of love easily too. I use the word love but really I think I am too immature to know what it means. Any tips please? I just want to change. I never learn my lesson, I am single now and it is because I don't trust myself. I am sure I'll make the same mistakes again. Thanks.
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female
reader, Denissia  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Buy and read on amazon.com "SERIOUS ABOUT LOVE? STRAIGHT TALK TO SINGLE ADULTS" U AS WELL AS
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiongreat advice, thank you ladies.I know its all because of me, I just thought I was being incredibly unlucky but I have been soul searching since my last man dumped me, (on Christmas day) and I have come to realise, I need to change, sorry, improve myself
once again thanks X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): First of all, you need to write down what you are looking for in a man. Write down the characteristics you want and also jot down the behaviours you will put up with. The reason I ask you to do this is the same as writing a shopping list when you go shopping. Instead of wandering around aimlessly in Tesco, if you have a list on you, its much easier to go and grab the stuff you need and by pass the things you don't need.
Next, write down a set of deal breakers. What will you NOT put up with? I don't give anyone a second chance when it comes to cheating. One strike and you are out. For me cheating is a deal breaker. So you need to write down things that you will not put up with. Another deal breaker of mine, is a close bond with an ex or regular contact with an ex. That just does not fly with me. You need to write these down so that once you come across this behaviour in aman that you are seeing, then you can quickly eliminate him.
Now all this might sound harsh, but you said yourself, that you act like an immature teenager whist you are in fact, almost middle aged. It seems like a good set of guidelines are exactly what you need, so that you have something to follow whilst you are caught up in a relationship.
Now the next step is to limit how much of yourself you give. You said you have sex way too soon, and without getting to know the guys properly. You shouldn't do this at all. By doing this you are only attracting the guys interested in your for the short term and you will turn off guys who are looking for a relationship. You should aim to go out on dates with these men, hold off having sex for as long as you can (and I mean at LEAST a month) this will weed out the guys that just want use you for sex.
Also, note that you cant make people FIT into your template, you can only find people that sort of resemble your template if you catch my drift. Also, never, ever, ever try to change someone. It will not work trust me, I have tried and failed and I tell you this from experience. if you meet a man who cheats and lies or is unromantic and uncaring, he will ALWAYS be a cheating, lying, unromantic person- you cannot change him. he himself has to want to change and only then will it happen.
Never, ever, stop having a life after you get a bf. A man is an addition to your life. Not a new meaning for it. Incorporate him, of course as he is important but do not let go of friends that were there before him and could potentially be there after! Your life should consist of hobbies, time for yourself, work, and a partner. Not just a partner. I have been in such a relationship and trust me, it will get very lonely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): If there is a fear of being alone? If there is,then it is likely to be false love,and falling out of love just as fast should indicate its not real. There is no fix for this. If its genuine love,I believe no one can find it,but somehow it finds you.It happens to most of us and there is no control over it.If you dont stop it will end up where you will attract the wrong ones who will feed you with what you want to hear because they want sex. If you hold out then there is more chance of getting respect and seen as someone they are proud to be with. Guys dont grow up,they talk,some of them can be very cruel about women they have slept with, and still go back again when they are in need of it.The others only know what they have heard about you. The first thing is get used to being single,dont invite them to your home and meet in public places,if that person is decent he will continue meeting you,it has a better chance of sorting out the good and bad. When you finally sleep with him you will know him as your friend,he will have more respect and see you as potential. There is no time limit or last chance in this. Its not a case of now or never. I would get someone proffessional to open up and release what is shut away inside you. What i said,please dont think I hate men,because there are some good ones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you. I'll try! I think it is just because after a number of wrong relationships, I want the real thing so badly I throw myself into it too much. I just want to be able to fall in love with someone and everything be ok. Other people manage to, or that's what I think anyway
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): There is no magic answer to how to keep a lip on your feelings. You have to draw on your own selfworth. If you have a fulfilling and rich (not in money terms)life, maybe you won't feel you have to throw your body and soul into a relationship. Think of the relationships as an add on, till you are sure you feel you want to committ to someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous female. I do not know how to keep things low level and not get swept up in my emotions though, those terms you use describe me perfectly by the way. Have you any ideas?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): At least you know and can analyze your problem. I think it is to do with self-esteem and confidence. Things in your childhood could have a baring too. Just look for the warning signs when you meet someone. I dare say you can recognise them, and pull back. Try to keep things at a low key level and try not to get swept up with your emotions. Be very picky about who you get involved with from the outset. You are never too old to make a fool of yourself with matters of the heart, people do it all the time - so try not to be too hard on yourself.
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