A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey everyone i really need some advice coz im not sure why im feeling the way i do.... recently i got together with a guy that i was unoffical with 4 about 6months we finaaly got together and only then i gave him my viginity... i was planning to wait for marriage but im not sure i just thought it was right... when i did it i regreated it for a coupla hours coz i really did want to wait but anyway i got over it and now our sex life is great and everything is going brill...however the only prob is after we do it i feel really cheap and dirty... im not sure why because we both really love each other and see it goin somewhere... im really confused to why i feel like this but i feel sleazy and think what im doing is wrong however i love it... i really need some help... why do i feel like this when i reall enjoy it? can anyone help
View related questions:
cheap, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, troubledinlove  +, writes (19 October 2008):
u feel cheap and sleezy after you are with him because he is not the right one for you i used to feel that way after every man i sleped with (eccept the one im in love with) up until i got pregnant by one of these guys that made me feel cheap and used after and decided to just give up on sex
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for the update; yes, you explained very well why you are having those feelings; firstly you are feeling guilty, yes, because you feel you have let yourself down; and secondly, because you 'gave" it to him to easily and to soon; but, that is where your conflict is coming from; you are at conflict within yourself; yes, you are enjoying it; yes, you are happy, but deep down and inside there is this feeling "biting" at you and it makes you feel guilty; it makes you feel dirty and sleazy;
Now, you cannot turn back the clock and undo what happened, but you can make peace with that little voice "biting" at you and move on to enjoy your life.
You need to talk to that "inner voice"(yeah, sounds crazy) but do it; if need be take a piece of pen and paper and write down; listen to what that voice is saying to you; write it down; then write down your own justification and the reason why you did it; explain your actions to that "innervoice" and ask that "little girl/inner voice" to forgive you and to set you free.
Destroy the paper and go stand in front of a mirror, give yourself a big hug and look at yourself in the mirror; saying to yourself: " I recognize my body as a good friend; Each cell in my body has a divine Intelligence; I listen to what it tells me, and I know that its advice is valid. I choose to be healthy and free; I love myself and enjoy my sexuality." repeat this a few times. Do it for a few days if need be;
You need to let go of the feelings of guilt; you need to forgive yourself (make peace with that "innervoice"/ subconscious) and be free to enjoy yourself with your partner.
I am happy that you are addressing the problem now; many women suppress these feelings and later after many years they lose there libido and interest in sex and cannot understand why; often it is due to very similar issues.
If need be consult a counselor to help yo work through these feelings; but don't ignore it and don't just suppress it.
Good luck and keep me posted.
Best wishes, let go of the guilt, enjoy and keep SMILING.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Sorry, but I posted before I saw your follow-up. Basically, he gave you an ultimatum to give up your virginity within 6 months, or at least a strong suggestion that it happen. Perhaps that forced you to think that you actually wanted to do it, while you really didn’t want to. If that is the case, you did something that you really believe to be wrong and too soon. Basically, it would cause the same conflict in your mind that I talked about in my first post. Whatever the reason for your conflict, it is likely because you are struggling with you did vs. what you were taught or believe is right.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): I believe that Smiles is correct. As I have written many times on this board, what we were taught in our youth stays with us. Even if we believe that it was wrong, it is very difficult to convince our subconscious minds that we think differently. We can look at our own thoughts and our own beliefs in our minds, but there is always something in the back that tells us that this thing is wrong.
I have struggled with similar thoughts. I was taught for many years one thing, while I want to believe another. Most times our parents teach us absolute ideas, without any thinking into how there can be differences between the ideal that they teach and the real world. We are then left to expand on these ideals, which cause us struggle.
I will assume that you were taught that sex before marriage was wrong, cheap and sleazy, with no room for deviation. This would cause you to have these thoughts when you are not following these teachings. Based on my own experience, your mind will alternate between your subconscious thoughts and your conscious thoughts. That would be why you alternate between feeling happy and feeling cheap. Unfortunately, as I have discovered, there is no easy way to overcome the struggle in your mind. It just takes time for your conscious thinking to overcome what you were taught. Actually, I’m not sure that a person ever completely overcomes it. They just learn to handle it without too much guilt of themselves or resentment if it was someone else who did the “wrong”.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthx guys in relation to your respond... me and my partner actully do have the so called after sex clossnes its great we reflect on how much we care about each other and how great things are going etc... we love being together and sometimes afterwards we dont wanna leave the bed and get back to everyday reality almost lol... in response to smiles i think i have always thought that sex should be just for one person the one you marry thats it... its more to what o believe rather then religion i do however feel it is dirty before marriage and maybe thats the reason ive feeling this...
i think it could also be the fact that i feel i gave it up to quickly... the worst thing is (maybe the main reaso ive feeling this) that when we were unoffical my boyfriend said "Il give you 6months" suggesting that il give my virgintiy up in 6 months of us being together.... and guess what i did .... maybe this is the reason... i feel that maybe i did give it up to soon which is really weird coz i wanted to give it to him as i do really love him...
anyy suggestions after that input
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Dear Poster
I am very sad to hear you have those feelings; as you should feel happy, close to your partner; sexual intercourse should not be just sex, but the bonding of two bodies, forming a unity. I am not sure why you feel the way you do, but will try and help you to unravel the reasons.
You mentioned that you wanted to wait to have sex until after you are married; you must have had very good and strong reasons for that; was it the way you were brought up was it because of religion?
Have you been told and indoctrinated that sex before marriage is dirty or a sin?
I will need you to give me some more information; but these are the type of info I need; however, you can also sit down and ask yourself these questions, do some introspection;
I do believe the answer will be linked to your childhood, your upbringing(probably very strict and conservative) or maybe as I suggested religion.
You do not have to feel guilty; you are not doing anybody any harm and you are entitled and allowed to enjoy sexual activities with your partner. Intercourse is normal and natural between two people who love and care for each other.
Keep SMILING.
...............................
|
