A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i enjoy going out and having a good time with friends, but often guys assume this means that i'm down for one night stands. i've only slept with one guy in my life and he was my ex boyfriend, but now i feel like guys are not even interested in you unless you put out after three/five dates. i almost feel like the odd one out because i'm one of the few people who don't believe in having sex until i know/can trust someone. my close guy friend says it's a good thing because it helps weed out players and guys only interested in sex, but what does everyone else think? sometimes i can't help feeling like maybe i'm missing out on something
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): Listen to what Odds says. He's right about a lot of guys having been jerked around. We learn not to be the nice proper guy because most girls respond to the player a lot quicker even though they claim they don't like players.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Your friend is right, you are weeding out the undesirable ones. Don't give in to having sex after a few dates. I believe if you want to have sex you commit first. Of course, unless YOU want to just have a one night stand, then you can. But you cam never expect anything more out of it. One night stands don't turn into relationships, on a very general basis. Nor do you get a relationship after sleeping on the 3rd-9th or whatever date. You get a relationship when you get a relationship and then the SEX comes AFTER the relationship. Not before.
There's tons of guys out there who feel the same way, but many of them probably aren't out on town clubbing. Or if they are they are there to dance and have fun, just like you, and not to chat up women, which is why you aren't meeting them when you are out.
It's a known fact that some clubs are meat markets. You can meet guys that are up for some dates, or a one night stand too, but you can easily brush them off by saying "sorry, Im taken" or "not interested". Just take it as a compliment that they find you attractive, but brush it off.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 "i can't help feeling like maybe i'm missing out on something"
You're not. Promiscuity isn't for everyone. It's not even good for most people, just a small minority. Don't try it.
"i feel like guys are not even interested in you unless you put out after three/five dates."
A lot of guys have been jerked around, and we talk. No guy wants to be the one who spends forever wooing and wining and dining, only to later discover that the girl put out on the first date for someone else - or, worse, that she was getting in on the side during the wooing because they weren't "official." One girl doing that basically ruins it for ten girls like you. Basically, a lot of the best guys today think that if they don't *act* like players, they will get played - many of them would be willing to wait if it wasn't for that.
Waiting does weed out the real players, though. So that's good. Now you just need a way to keep the decent men around. The solution to that is a three-step process.
First, figure out what qualities would make you a good girlfriend besides sex. Think of what *guys* would like, not what you would. Can you cook? Are you low-maintenance? Are you emotionally stable? Do you enjoy activities that guys would also enjoy? Are you a good listener? I'm sure you can think of more.
Second, figure out how to effectively advertise those qualities? Even if you're the best girlfriend in the world, it won't matter if no one knows it. Figure out a way to display your good qualities within the first three dates.
Third, find guys are better places than bars and clubs. It's good that you like to go out, but you're not going to meet any good boyfriends there. Think about your local area. Where are decent guys likely to go at night? During the day? On weekends? Go there and start some conversations. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk!  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Hiyaaaa,Everyone has different views on life, love and many things and just because you believe in something different from your friends doesn't make you weird, abnormal or any other adjective looool.Your just careful which is a good thing and lots of people out there including me believe that you shouldn't randomly have sex with someone but have sex till your ready and connected and importantly trust that person. You're not missing out I can tell you that, buying condoms on a regular basis is probably the thing you're missing out on and you know the awkwardness when buying condoms! Just enjoy now until you find a guy that you connect with, just because people are having sex on a regular basis shouldn't mean you should do it coz you don't need to feel like ohhh my friends are doing am I missing out? But you really aren't coz honestly what you're doing really save you from a heart break coz the amount of cookies that I have to bake is INSANE! Like the amount of flour I need to use and chocolate... honestly what you're doing is great! So keep it up don't feel like you have to do something you don't wanna do coz your friends or lots of people are doing it just do what you wanna do!Hope my advice helps!Stay away from the heart breaking cookies! :PLots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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