A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I've been in an exclusive relationship for almost three years (both of us over 45). We see each other five times a week, taking turns sleeping at each other's home. My home is a lot for me to take care of (large yard and pool), now that my grown son has left. I've been looking to downsize. I've asked my boyfriend were our relationship was going, he said he feels I expect too much and feels pressured. He said I should keep my place and I could on a "trial" live with him at his house for a year or so. I understand people live together prior to marriage, but a trial to live together, I thought that is basically what we've been doing for 2 1/2 years. I love him but I am starting to feel resentment and used for sex. I ended our relationship and I'm writing hoping someone can offer some words to make me feel better and that this was the right decision. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love this man, but I feel he was never ready to be in a relationship with me. There was another women that he went back to, and I guess I ways always playing second fiddle.
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female
reader, Meg5180  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Though you broke things off with him and that is what I think I would have done, I feel sad that your relationship is over. You obviously were in love. Have you havd any interaction with him since the break up? Does he miss and want you back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): I think he had a good idea to try living together for a year to see if this is what you really want to do. Staying over at each other's place isn't quite the same thing because you still have the option to retreat to your own bubble and avoid dealing with relationship conflicts, and you can more easily hide things from each other if you so desire. Whereas if you were to be married and living together it's much harder to do that because there are much fewer spatial boundaries, which makes the stakes suddenly higher and thus gets people's fuses shorter. Suddenly his inability to keep the kitchen clean and leave any room for your stuff really really bugs you because it's the ONLY kitchen you have whereas when you're just staying over you can overlook it because you can always go back to your own kitchen the way you need it to be. Stuff like that. Thus, a trial living-together period is a good idea to test if your relationship has what it takes to be 24/7 when the safety nets are removed. I would say this is even more important for couples who are more mature and on their second or third marriages because the older you get, the more set in your ways you become so working out compromises can be even harder than for a younger couple thus making it even more important to do a trial run first.even if you still don't see the point in the trial living together period, that may be what HE needs to feel secure in the idea of this relationship becoming a marriage (for any of the reasons mentioned above). If you want to assure him that this relationship can last and be a marriage, why not do that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for taking the time to reply.
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reader, Serpico +, writes (27 November 2012):
One question - if you were both sleeping over each others homes, how is it that just YOU were the one "used" for sex? If Im reading your situation right, it seems you both were doing the same thing quite consentually.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): Sorry but I think you may have made a mistake. Staying over at each others place isn't the same thing as living together so what he was suggesting of a trial live -in period is in fact taking your relationship to the next level as you wanted. Just that its a smaller step forward than what you would have liked but is still a step forward nonetheless.
Why do you feel used for sex? Is it just due to this one issue or does he not show interest in you except when he wants some? Just as you feel used for sex maybe he feels used for money as in, the reason you want to move in with him is so you can sell your house.
I would suggest calling him up and having another talk, if he is still interested.
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female
reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (27 November 2012):
You both are over 45. Presumably you've made it clear at some point earlier in you 2.5 year relationship that you desire marriage, yes? If so, then 2.5 years is long enough for someone to know if he wants to marry you or just try something out. Clearly he's not into you enough to jump, so you get the consolation prize. If you want marriage, don't settle because this trial may turn permanent and then you'll turn resentful. I'm sure this man loves you, but if your needs aren't being met AND you've made it clear what they are; then it's time to go....
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 November 2012):
 You write: "I love him but I am starting to feel resentment and used for sex. I ended our relationship and I'm writing hoping someone can offer some words to make me feel better and that this was the right decision. "
Here's what you're dying to hear: You done good. Your decision was the best you could make, under the circumstances....
NOW, Go out and get on with the rest of your life.... Hopefully, you will get to spend time with a REAL B/F sometime in the (near) future. Don't give even a thought to this near-B/F who you are leaving behind. He doesn't deserve it....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): I'm not so sure OP, I think he was actually being smart and trying to protect you.
First off living together for the first time is always a trial and I don't care if you spend 7 days a week at each others place it's very different.
I think you're being caught up in semantics here OP, sounds like you're pissed off he called it a trial but call it what you want that's what it always is, you can get married and shack up and it still may not work out. I mean it sounds to me he doesn't want you to think that you should sell up and move in with him only for it not to work and you be left on the street.
The thing is he does sound like he wants you to move in but he's got a point about you hedging all your bets here. You're talking about selling up everything and moving in with him. When you may not even get on well living together.
Personally OP I think that was a form of progression but for you it's not fast enough, you want to dive straight in and put all your eggs into one basket. 5 days a week is not the same as living together. You have no escape from each other, no safety net, no privacy and that can for some people take its toll.
Do I think it's the right decision? Yeah I do, this is a very important, life-changing decision that you can't agree on. He doesn't want to see you stuck and is a bit unsure about the whole thing, you don't feel he's showing enough commitment so in essence you both win by breaking up. He knows things aren't going to go wrong and you're left on the street and you get to go downsize and make a fresh start with someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): I agree with So Very Confused that you should buy a condo. Sell your house and move into the space that suits your needs.
This man has indicated that he is not your long-term partner. Keeping him in your life would only confuse your search for a suitable partner. He will take away the time you will need to meet and court with appropriate candidates.
You did the right thing. It may hurt for a while but you will be happier in the long run without him.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 November 2012):
 IF you want to live together and get married and he does not, then you did the right thing to end it as you are on different relationship paths.
Personally I think you should sell your home and buy yourself a lovely condo.
IF after 3 years, and seeing each other 5 times a week it's not progressing, I think that it's stuck where it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): You did nothing wrong by ending the relationship...in fact, I give you praise for doing so because, it's hard to walk away from someone or something you truly love with all your heart--something you have an emotional attachment too. First off, you cited that both of you are over 45 sooo at this point, this fully grown man should know where this relationship is going esp. if you haven't given him a reason to take that "next" step in the relationship. Also, you two have been together for almost 3 years, so what does he mean by a "trial" period of living at his house for a year or so? And please honey, this living together ordeal should be the last thing on your mind---I would want to know why hasn't he committed to you as far as marriage is concerned. You two can live apart as that has nothing to do with the relationship progressing. People live together all the time and they aren't in love, there is no passion or commitment towards each other, so him not wanting you to move in with him and visa versa on a perm. basis is nothing to fret about at this point.
I would suggest you read TWO books that are VERY, VERY, VERY good in my opinion regarding relationships. Both are by the same author and the titles of the books are as follows: "Why Men Love Bitches," and "Why Men Marry Bitches." by Sherry Argov. You can find both these books online at Amazon.com and they are both cheap...the most I paid was about $10.85 for each book and if you have a Prime account with Amazon, the shipping is free.
But yeah honey, I think you made the right choice, it's been almost three years that you have been in a relationship with this man and at his age, he should know what he wants, he should now where this relationship is headed esp. if you are a great woman. The pickings out here at all that great and I'm way younger than both of you....lol...lol...and I am having a hard time meeting men with whom I can just have a decent conversation with! Have you ever seen a movie called "The Joy Luck Club?" Well, it's a great movie and you can also purchase that one too off Amazon.com for cheap. At any rate, there is a scene in the movie where the mother tells her says to her daughter, who appeared to have married a man who is selfish, cheap and not "in love" with her, "Losing him does not matter, it is YOU who will be found and cherished." In the end, the daughter left her husband and married a man who was just as crazy and in love with her as she was with him!
Always rem. that if you are a great woman, you deserve a great man---NOT a good man, NOT an ok man, but a GREAT man and don't settle for anything less than that. Also, don't allow your age to influence you to think that you don't or won't meet anyone who will be crazy in love with you--it's a lie! You can and you will if that is what your mind and heart truly believes and desires. Rem. that whatsoever a man thinketh in his heart, so is HE. If you believe you deserve a relationship with a man who is madly in love with you..in love with you to the point of wanting to commit to you for life, then that is the type of man and relationship you will attract. Take care:)
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2012):
 Only you can really answer if this was the right thing.
Since it looks like from your post that you wanted and expected marriage and he isn't interested in marriage (at least not right now) you two may not be on the same page.
To me though it would make sense to make one household and see how it feels living together 247/ for a while before deciding if marriage is something you both want. Taking turns sleeping at each other's houses is NOT like living together (IMHO)
If you were planning on down sizing anyways, why not rent out your house with option to buy?
On the other hand I would assume after 2 1/2 year that you both know if there is a wedding on the horizon or not.
Personally, I don't think his request of living together first for a while is unreasonable - but obviously YOU do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): you did the right thing by breaking up with him. 2 and 1/2 years of dating is a long time and is quite normal that you would talk about taking your relationship to the next level. Is he divorced? do you think he has commitment issues. Was this time your very first time to ask where your relationship is going? Right now there is not much you can do, just wait and see, you did what you had to do. Try to keep yourself busy so that you don't feel lonely and end up contacting him but you did the right thing by asking him. I hope that helps
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