A
female
age
51-59,
*966wotayear
writes:please help,my husband of 14 years has had a drink problem for years which has got worse over the past 3 years [he has been drinking 3/4 of a liter bottle of vodka a night and gets "out of it" does stupid things like texting/messaging girls/women and falls asleep wherever he ends up] over the years he been mostly out of work [although has currently been working for a few months] he has borrowed/stole and not paid bills to fund his habit and sadly he has put then drink befor our girls [agd 12 and 10] they have gone without and suffered as a result so i put my foot down packed his bags [hardest thing ive ever done in my life] i have made so many allowances for him and forgiven him each time he has hurt me and let me down because he had a terrible childhood, he was abused aged 5 and put in care for 5 years in and out of foster homes and then returned to the family home [with his mum who failed to protect him and chose the abuser over her own son and he is living with her now] and told him he had to get professional help and stop drinking [at 1st he was unwilling to do this and stayed at his mums after several days/nights he asked to come home he said the dr told him not to stop drinking and to drink cider instead [wich he did] then out of the blue he turned around and told me he doesnt love me anymore [he was only drinking to get out of it bc he was unhappy with me] he told our girls this and left the next morning! i am absolutely heartbroken, i am so shocked and hurt and angry. he has shut down i am so confused and dont know what i am dealing with [in my heart i beleive its the drink i know he is in denial and he cannot see how the drink has changed him into a lying selfish man [he was the complete opposite and the best man/dad i have ever known] i just dont know, please help
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female
reader, 1966wotayear +, writes (2 December 2012):
1966wotayear is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am still very confused he has told the girls he not drinking vodka [only cider] so he has not got a problem & that is not why he left, he left because he doesnt love me? they dont kniw weather to believe him & i'm staring to believe that may be true but dont know?
A
female
reader, 1966wotayear +, writes (27 November 2012):
1966wotayear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your comments help & understanding :) xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Get into an Al-Anon meeting today. You are not the only person this has happened to. Who knows what he is thinking? It is an alcoholic's brain, he probably isn't thinking with any kind of logic. He has a disease. His brain is pickled. Where you are now is in a new place where he is stuck in disease.Protect yourself. Discerning his fractured thought process is only wasting your time. His thought process is likely this: "must have a drink. must have a drink. Drinking now, ahhhhhh." Then BLACKOUT. Which is what the alcohol provides. BLACKOUT. Freedom from annoying rational thought.The thing that was him still loves you. The alcoholic thing loves only alcohol. He is in denial and needs help.You need help too.Go to that Al-Anon meeting. Come back tomorrow and tell us what you learned.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 November 2012):
 He left because he likes drinking more then being a husband and dad. Alcoholism is like any other addiction - it takes over and run their life (and that of those close to them) and it will continue to run his life until he ADMIT he has a problem and he is WILLING to seek help and GET help.
It has a lot less to do with you then it does with addiction.
I know to most people his behavior doesn't make sense - because you would think if he loved you and the kids - he would WANT to become healthy and be around.
If he has been drinking for over 3+ years - THAT becomes his life. Not you, not the kids.
I know it's hard but you need to STOP worrying about what he may think and feel and work on raising your two kids in a healthy and safe environment.
Definitely get help in how to help YOURSELF and the kids. Like I said, HE is on his own now - by choice.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 November 2012):
 You write: ".... I am absolutely heartbroken, i am so shocked and hurt and angry."
I was surprised that you did not write - instead - "... I am absolutely ecstatic (not, heartbroken), i was (am) so shocked and hurt and angry... but then realized what a great favor this dysfunctional sot was doing by leaving me. So, now I am going to start the rest of my life without him.... and believe that it will be a darnsite better than the last 14 years."
That would be appropriate...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, 1966wotayear +, writes (26 November 2012):
1966wotayear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you both for your comments,
this has left my head so messed up i am not sure anymore if he did leave me because he didn't love me anymore? i didnt see or feel that all i know is that we were so happy before & i know he loved me to bits? can you just stop loving someone? maybe i just cant believe that because i don't want it to be true? i m so confused :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): He is an alcoholic in denial. You are an ex-enabler in crisis. Please do go find an Al-Anon meeting immediately to get support for yourself.
You cannot expect an alcoholic in full blown crisis to act in any sane manner. Let him go deal with his demons. You must look after yourself and your children.
Yes, you can feel hurt and betrayed. You must not let that derail your own healing and your own children's care. Seek help for yourself as a matter of urgency.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Your husband's drinking has nothing to do with him cheating and texting other women in an inappropriate manner. I knew a very loved and close family member who had a drinking problem (she is clean and sober now :)) and she never, ever cheated on her husband...NEVER. So your husband is using his drinking problem as an excuse for his cheating ways. So, not only does he have a drinking problem, he also seems to have a problem with being faithful to you. I know it's not an easy thing, to let go of someone whom you love with all your heart, with someone you have a family with, but maybe that is the best thing at this point--you may have to let this guy go for the meantime at least. He is toxic and you need to detox.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 November 2012):
 I'm married to an active alcoholic. Drinking does not change how they feel, it just magnifies the behavior.
Get yourself to Al-ANON meetings and take care of yourself and your children.
HE can't stop drinking till he is ready and to be honest if he's drinking that much he needs to do it under medical supervision and probably an inpatient rehab stay.
Alchol detox is dangerous.. it's the only detox that can really kill you.
Until HE is ready to admit he has a drinking problem (and not place blame on his mommy and daddy or other circumstances) he can't heal.
YOUR responsibility needs to be to your young children.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2012):
You know, drinking doesn't make anyone text or message random chicks. That is the lamest excuse ever - the VODKA made me do it.
Instead of being a man, he ran home to his mom. Instead of owning his actions and admitting that he is an alcoholic he is now blaming YOU for his unhappiness and his drinking.
You can't fix him. He is the only one who can fix him and HIS issues. And he doesn't want to, that is why he went to live with his mom.
Let him go. Let him be this delusional. Focus on you and your girls. Honestly, life might be a lot healthier for the kids without having a drunk dad around who didn't pay attention to them anyways.
I would look into Al-anon/Alateen groups in your area if those exist near you, so your kids can talk to other children/pre-teens who have dealt with an alcoholic parent.
He is on his own. So STOP beating yourself up. YOU tried to help him, he refused.
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