A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m a married woman but was going through a really bad patch with my husband and I started to get depression... while I was going through that I started chatting to a man online... we met and started an affair.... he knew I was married.... anyway he wanted me to leave my husband and kids and move up to where he lived which is 100 miles away...I found it to be overwhelming and going too fast and with my depression I had guilt... so I tried to make a go with my marriage and ended it with my lover... I told him the truth but he didn’t take it too well.... 4 months has passed and he contacted me saying he was upset and angry and that he knew where I lived and was going to tell my husband..... I talked him out of it but he still wants contact with me like nothing has happened and that he will wait for me but I don’t want that... I feel like he’s blackmailed me into talking to him again ..... What can I do? Would he go that far to tell my husband and risk my husband not hitting him?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 May 2019):
 Anonymous, it’s not “holier than thou” to say human beings DESERVE the truth from their partners. It wasn’t a one-time bad decision; it was an affair. Her husband deserves to know that and telling him will always be an option - whether the OP wants to or not.
This ex-lover is behaving unpredictably which puts you and your husband at risk of potential danger, OP. It’s too late to run from the responsibility now; you need to own up to your husband and make the police aware, in case you need a restraining order. If this man comes and tells your husband or attacks one of you, you would regret not having warned your husband sooner. Just accept the situation, apologise to your husband and focus on legally getting the ex-lover out of your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): To the male who commented about some of playing holier than thou. Yes we are! OP, when you PLAY, YOU PAY! Some lessons are learned the hard way. You have to tell your husband. He DESERVES to know what kind of woman he married! I can guarantee you, he won't want to stay married to you. And if he did, it will only be a matter of time before it eventually fails!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): Its easy block him. If he makes a fake account block him again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): Tell your husband.Maybe with time and counseling your marriage can work.But if he tells your husband first that might not be an option.After you tell him go to the police and press charges on him.Look you hooked up with a crazy stalker now you have to take steps to protect yourself and your husband.When someone like that becomes unhinged no telling what he could do.That is why you must tell your husband...He has a right to stay safe.You reap what you sow.Not telling him will result in more pain.Do not be a coward own up to your mistakes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): Stop playing this holier than thou atitude with the poster. She is clearly saying telling her husband is not an option,so try to find a way out for her with this in mind. I still think that you should call his bluff and threaten him that he will get beaten up if he goes to your husband and he will be pulled to divorce courts and certainly will be forced to pay damages amounting to thousands of pounds to your husband for breaking up his marriage. The worste case scenario is that he will go to your husband and risk getting beaten up and probably your marriage will end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): The OM is angry with you for what you did to him. He knew you were married but he didn't know the extent of his feelings. Don't blame him. He isn't the one whose married and cheated on a spouse. You are. He doesn't have to face your husband. There are countless ways to.expose an affair while retaining anonymity. You sound selfish, egotistical and delusional.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): It’s a shame that some people think cheaters deserve their infidelity to be kept a secret. No faithful person deserves to stay with an unfaithful person because the betrayal was hidden from them. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” can be applied to anything harmful. They deserve honesty.If it was a drunk hook up ONCE and there’s loads of guilt/remorse? Maybe I can understand not telling them, though I still think you owe them the truth. An actual emotional/physical affair (no matter how long/short)? Absolutely not. Everyone deserves to know if their partner has been unfaithful. Our choices have consequences and everybody knows they are risking their relationship if they cheat.You can’t trust that this ex-lover won’t cause trouble for you or your husband. Your husband deserves to know because you owe him the truth and also because he could be at risk by whatever your ex-lover decides to do.OWN UP. Take responsibility. Depression is a horrible thing but it didn’t make you cheat; you chose to. Now your husband deserves to know so he can choose what he wants to do and so that he’s prepared if your ex-lover shows up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2019): When someone extorts or blackmails you; you have no choice but to come clean and expose the truth before they get the change to do any damage.
Tell your husband, and deal with the consequences. It would be 100 times worse, if he hears it from the guy you had the affair with. The point of his exposing the affair is to destroy your marriage. Well, you did that already. You cheated, and you're still deceiving your husband by making believe you're a faithful wife.
Imagine what it would be like if the blackmailer told him first? That should give you the motivation to tell the truth and keep some control over the fate of your marriage. It might also avert any reaction that could lead to violence or worse.
Depression isn't any excuse; because there is help for that. You weren't too depressed to carry-on an affair with another man. Now you don't want your husband to know, after the fact? You knew there would be consequences; so at least take the weapon out of the hands of a stranger who would dare to come along and try to turn your life upside-down.
Either your husband will forgive or divorce you. He might do both.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 May 2019):
 While I would not normally think a spouse should necessarily be told of a betrayal, this situation is slightly different in that there could be a very real possibility of your husband finding out REGARDLESS of whether you tell him. As others have mentioned, it would be better coming from you than from some random bloke who turns up on his doorstep and put who knows what spin on the whole story. At least YOU could tell your husband how sorry you are for what you did and how you dumped the guy as soon as you realized it was your husband you wanted.
Do you think your lover does know where you live or is he bluffing? Have you explained to him that his telling your husband will not benefit HIM, regardless of your husband's reaction? That, even if your husband decides to end your marriage, you will still not be going to your lover? Have you apologised to your lover for causing him pain? Perhaps he just needs to have his pain acknowledged and recognised? For him to come back to you 4 months down the line shows he has been stewing over the rejection. Yes, he knew you were married, but he obviously also knew you were not happy and had aspirations of you two ending up together. Perhaps if you show a bit of empathy for your ex lover's feelings, while stating quite clearly that, regardless of the outcome, you two will not end up together, he may realize he stands nothing to gain from inflicting pain on your poor husband. If you think he really will tell your husband, then I can only reiterate what the other aunts and uncles have advised: get in there first and try to minimize the damage. Accept you did wrong and ask for your husband's forgiveness.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (11 May 2019):
Ignore the other commentators. Block this guy. Don’t respond to him at all. He’s bluffing and won’t tell your husband. Your husband is living in blissful ignorance about the type of woman he’s married too. Let him stay that way.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 May 2019):
 OP, you made a mistake but instead of owning up to it you are running and hiding and then getting defensive to us after you asked for advice. You are letting this man control you and instead of taking control of this situation you are sitting back and cowering. You don't want your husband to know so you are back to talking to this man? COME ON OP. How long are you going to hide and hope he doesn't say something? Its going to hurt your husband no matter who he hears it from but I'd lay odds that he would rather hear it from you rather than a stranger.
What makes you think this man will keep the secret? He may call your husband, phone your husband, send a text, an email a message a letter..who knows? He may even confront your husband! You don't know and you are acting silly thinking your husband won't find out. You really think this will stay a secret? It wont.
Why not stand up face the music and go from there. Are you going to hide the rest of your life? Always looking over your shoulder, always afraid?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 May 2019):
 You made this mess so own up to it!
Stop trying to act the victim here! Blaming an affair on depression? Give me a break, everyone knows right from wrong whether they have stressful issues to deal with or not.
You either block the guy and hope he doesn’t call your bluff or put on your big girl pants and OWN UP to the shit you caused yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2019): But then I have the calling card to, he doesn’t have all the cards. Stalking in the UK means a prison sentence... I could tell him that I will inform his works place and tell his boss he’s hounding me and threats, finding out where I lived etc.... would he risk losing his job and obtaining a bad reference? Also I can’t see many men wanting to come clean and telling their ex lover’s husband that he’s been having sex with his wife? Without the husband not causing any violence towards him? I did say that my husband would hit him and he back down and said sorry but he said he was angry and frustrated but nevertheless it’s made me think...I won’t tell my husband because it’s not an option. I would be jumping from the fire into the frying pan
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2019): OP your post points the finger at the man who you cheated with, by saying he knew you were married. That is really rich! You certainly knew that you are married too! You took a vow to forsake all others, in sickness and health, for better or worse! Why would you come clean with your own husband? How about because you lied and cheated, and now you are risking your husbands safety, by not telling him to be on the lookout for a potential jealous crazed stalker! Yes we all make mistakes, but yours is ongoing! Why do you feel entitled to continue lying to your husband? You have made all of this trouble for you and your faithful husband. How can you hope to gain forgiveness, unless you stop the lying, and confess your wrong doing? Also, depression is no excuse for any of this! This world is full of people with chronic or transient depression, who choose daily, to take the high road. Do the right thing Dear Lady. Blessings!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (11 May 2019):
 I think its time to come clean with your husband. Living with a constant threat will eat you alive and who do you think it would be better coming from? At least coming from you has a certain element of remorse rather than coming from the guy you cheated with, makes finding out that way seem still deceptive on your part, only being caught out as the reason to come clean has more sting. Of course there will be consequences of your actions, that is the reaping of what you sow however you must also think about what this will do to your mental health. This douche bag is something to be concerned about. Who knows what else he is capable of or how far he'll go to get his own way. Either way, your husband has a right to know. He has the right to make decisions about his part in the marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): I don’t want to talk to him but I’m
Worried that if I stop communication he will tell my husband, but would he risk getting hit by my husband? He knew I was married..I can’t see what he will gain here? Yes I could block him and wait and see but it’s causing me distress, so I’m paying for it now. Iv told him I’m suffering from depression and he said he wants me to get well so we can be together.... I feel he’s too obsessed with me that it’s unhealthy. God, if I could turn the clock back I would
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 May 2019):
Why on earth would you tell your husband? Because he deserves to know. You made the choice. He deserves to choose if he can forgive you for that or not. Your marriage is built on lies if you keep that from him. You *can’t* work on your marriage while he doesn’t know of the affair. You made a cruel mistake, so don’t be even more cruel and not allow him the respect of choosing if he wants to be with someone who cheated.
I understand you were in a bad place - I truly do, but it doesn’t excuse what you did or not telling him.
Block the guy. Tell your husband. Tell the police if the man continues. Your actions have put yourself and your husband at risk, so he NEEDS to know.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2019):
 Oh so now he is a stalker?
YOU chose to get involved with him. You also chose to re-start communications.
You can call his bluff and just block him.
But I say tell your husband because NO matter WHAT you do, this guy has you by the short and curly. Because he KNOWS you better than you think.
Don't you think your husband DESERVES to hear this from you rather than from some creep his wife was foolish enough to get involved with?
Also, getting the police involved might be an option, but that is going to be hard if you husband is blissfully unaware.
And yes, you made a mistake, but the thing is... It doesn't JUST affect you. Cheating never does.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): Call his bluff off and tell him to go ahead and tell your husband if he wants to get the sh..beaten out of him and probably named as the other person in a divorce case and risk paying thousands of pounds in damages .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): Why on earth would I tell my husband and make things 10 times worse? Yes I made a mistake but it’s not the crime of the century, I can’t chsnge the past, I’m human, I messed up but I chose to work at my marriage in the end, I certainly don’t need a stalker blackmailing me
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2019):
Why not have the RESPECT for your husband and tell him?
And CUT all contact with the other man?
You made a really bad choice is adding another person to the marriage instead of talking to your HUSBAND and working on fixing what didn't work. Now you have to own your actions.
Would the guy tell your husband? Who knows? But why let him CONTROL you? Why not just have some self-respect and come clean with your husband and see if the marriage IS salvageable?
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