A
female
age
36-40,
*lifton
writes:does anyone have some really great, earth-shattering advice for moving on? i feel stuck. i know i'm not supposed to be with my ex and i'm the one that ended the relationship, but it was because i felt i had no choice. but i literally can't seem to get over it. i can't eat, i can't sleep. i have dread in my chest constantly. i'm just sick of feeling this way. i know people say you need to get out and keep yourself busy. but honestly, that makes me feel even worse. please help..
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (6 April 2011):
 You don't say how long you were with your boyfriend or how long it has been since you broke up. You also don't say why you had to break up with him. I will do my best to answer. There is no magic answer for this, however. There is nothing someone can say to make this go away quickly. Depending on the person, and the significance of the loss, it will take as long as it takes. You have to feel bad, before you can start to feel better.
You are at an age where breakups can shatter you. If you thought this was the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with, and now have to start all over, that is a tough situation. In a situation like that, even when you are the one that initiated the breakup, it can be just as painful as having someone breakup with you.
It sounds like you are dealing with disappointment and depression over this. I am assuming, by your physical symptoms, that that is the case here.
The heavy heart, crying, and inability to eat or sleep are normal under the circumstances. You are hurting. Even though you find it difficult to eat, make sure you drink water. When I was going through something like this I use to drink watered-down orange juice. It seemed easy to swallow, kept me hydrated, and got some vitamins into my system. Try to get some food down each day along with a multi vitamin.
As far as the sleep goes, get some help with that if you can. Sleep deprivation can make the symptoms much worse. If you are depressed, you will feel much more depressed when you don't sleep. There are some pretty effective OTC meds. If your sleeplessness persists, and is interfering with your ability to function, see a doctor. Also, stay away from alcohol. That will only deepen the depression.
It's a good thing the days are getting longer and warmer. Get out and take some long walks in the sun, even if the tears are rolling down while you walk. Sunlight, fresh air, and some exercise will lift your mood a bit and help you with sleep.
There is a period of time where you need to mourn, but after that you need to start helping yourself. Change as much as you can change. What I mean is, get rid of, or change things that trigger thoughts of him.
Listen to new music. Got to different coffee shops, stores, restaurants, clubs, buy a new perfume and dab it on before you go out for your walk. The idea is to make new memories, sensory or otherwise.
Get out a piece of paper and write down some things you like to do, that you did not do with him. Think back to your teenage years if you need to. Come up with some hobbies/interests. Then call up a friend and ask them to do one of these things with you.
Volunteering is a great way to stop thinking about your own problems. It gives you a feeling of satisfaction to help those less fortunate than you. If can also help you appreciate what you have and realize that things could be much worse.
Best of luck,
TEM
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