A
female
age
26-29,
*issTellAll
writes:Okay, this may get a little confusing, but bear with me here please.I have had the same best friend for almost four years which isn't too long but for a high school girl friendship, that's an eternity. We've had our ups and downs, some my fault, some hers but for the most part we have remained reliable friends for a long time.Around mid-January of this year my friend started dating this guy, and I was so happy for her. A few months prior she ended a relationship of almost a year with a very neglectful guy. I was happy to see her moving on.Here's where the mess started...She had sex with her ex boyfriend only a few weeks into the relationship with her new guy. She didn't tell me, but I figured it out and confronted her and she came clean. I told her that it was deplorable and she had to make a choice between them or else I wouldn't sit by and watch the tragedy unfold. I was extremely angry with her because I cannot stand her ex and this new guy was a good guy who deserved much better. She decided to break up with the new guy and go back to her ex and I told her that I didn't want her to be with him because they aren't good together. So, drama drama drama, she ends up back together with the new guy who knows nothing about her sleeping with her ex.I did not like this. I told her all the time that she should come clean and not build a relationship on one big fat lie. She refused to listen for the longest time, about five months, and then she decided I was right and to tell him everything. I became fairly good friends with this guy over the course of their relationship (and nearly told him myself several times) so I accompanied her to his house when she told him everything. I helped them both get their points across and such, and things settled for about a week.He decided to stay with her because he wanted to be with her and understood it was a mistake that she regrets. The issue is now he's having constant panic attacks. He used to have them about once a week, but now it's daily. My friend helps him through them, calms him down, but she's becoming worried. He is untrusting and worried about her doing something again, which is understandable. She thinks he may leave her soon.She is blaming me. She says it is my fault for their poblems because they were "just fine" before I convinced her to tell him. This honestly pisses me off. Is it my fault? It's not like I told him, I just made her see that being honest was the right thing to do and now it's MY fault?Sorry for the essay, I just really need some help here. Any responses are very appreciated.
View related questions:
best friend, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 As her best friend, you are more than entitled to give your advice/opinion on the subject. In fact, that's a crucial part of being a friend.
However, her business is still her business. It's not your place to interfere in her life, or try to make the right decision for her. She felt pressured to break things off with her bf, then eventually tell him what happened. It wasn't a decision she made, it's one she was forced into by you, because you threatened to tell him everything.
Like everyone else has said, you need to back off. These are her decisions, not yours. You don't have to like them, and you are more than welcome to tell her that... but leave it there. All you can do is be supportive of her, and be there when she needs you. She'll respect you more for that in the end, than you trying to lead her life for her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): What your friend chooses to do with her love life should be none of your business. YOU are the one creating drama by inserting yourself into other people's intimate affairs and trying to direct the show when it doesn't involve you. You have no right to march in and demand that she do this or not do that, that she should be dating this guy not that guy, it's her life. Yes you can and should tell her that you think it's morally wrong for her to do something or that this other guy is bad news, but there's a difference between expressing your opinion to her vs interfering in other people's lives in the form of pressuring her to do what you want her to do because you are so sure that your choices are better. That's pretty arrogant. You see, when your friend did what you wanted, it's not because she TRULY came to believe in the same values and principles as you. Instead she just did it to get you to stop meddling in her life and leave her alone. As a result, when she stopped seeing this guy, started seeing that guy, told him what she had done...it wasn't because she truly has the same values as you and believed she was doing right. She was only caving in to YOUR pressure under your influence but it wasn't truly her own idea to be doing any of this.That is why, now, when she's facing the consequences of her decision, she is not 'owning' her decision. Instead she's blaming you, because yes it WAS YOUR DECISION that she should come clean and tell him everything. It wasn't her decision, it was yours, she just went along with your pressure, that's why she's blaming you.I do think she's getting what she deserves. However I think you're also getting what you deserve when you get all bossy and push people around, which is that they do not appreciate what you did in the end because they don't like being bossed around so is it any wonder that the minute something goes "wrong" they will turn on you? If you hadn't pushed her so hard to come clean to him, and she eventually did on her own time because she herself felt it was the right thing to do, then I doubt she'd be blaming you now instead she'd be blaming herself for having cheated on him in the first place.I think you just need to step back and stop interfering in your friend's love life. Your friend does not share your perspective so if she does what you tell her simply because you are telling her to do it, it won't be with the same motivation and interpretation as you. She will see the outcome very differently from you. let her make her own mistakes. Let her suffer the consequences of her own bad decisions. When you push your morally better decisions on to her, she may do them but doesn't mean she actually agrees with it since she didn't choose to do it on her own. In the end that doesn't really help her to grow into a better person and make better choices.
...............................
|
