A
female
age
,
*aderi
writes:I am married and had an affair with a married man. We're both in our early 50's. For four years. I've been needing to end it. He ended it, after some bad behaviour on my part, and well, I just got really angry. It wasn't some soulmate thing, it was just egoist recreation for both of us. He's had affairs ever since he was married 20 years ago. I found out that he has been seeing ANOTHER woman the past 6 months. Do I tell his wife? See, I am coming clean with my husband. But I keep getting told that I need to tell his wife. I do want to, because I am angry. There are no children involved. There is money involved, she makes tons more than he does and has a large inheritance. What is the right thing to do? (Yes, I know I am wrong and I am not asking for sympathy at all)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): If you were a single women and had been in a relationship with this guy and found out he was cheating on his wife, so you broke it off, then you would be the honorable person and calling this guy out would be the right thing to do, but in your case, not so much. You made a choice to break your wedding vows and you had an affair with someone who was also married. That karma thing has bitten you in the butt and your married lover cheated on you with another women .... you wanna play with fire, then understand you will get burned.
It's time to decide if you want to turn your life around and have some respect for yourself and others, and doing the right thing starts with you first. You apparently didn't know what the right thing was when you got into this mess in the first place, so go work on you and learn what's right and wrong. Your husband deserves better than what you've done to him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 October 2012):
 If you wanted to tell her because you felt bar for your part in it and wanted to make amends to her (and your husband) I'd say go for it, but out of SPITE and REVENGE? That just makes you a woman scorned and petty person.
I wouldn't be surprised if she already knows that she is married to a man-whore.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (15 October 2012):
 You're not telling her out of altruism, you're telling her out of a selfish desire for vengeance.
Haven't you already caused enough problems by having an affair in the first place?
Mind your own business.
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A
female
reader, Maderi +, writes (15 October 2012):
Maderi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's what I thought. Well, my emotions were all like, vengeance is mine! But I am not one to rush into rash decisions as I am at least aware that I might not be perceiving things correctly.
I'm not even mad it ended. Just HOW it ended. Of course, when things end, it's rarely a super happy thing. I've had more emotion seep out through me than through the entire affair. I've gotta be a control freak. I thought I was being unreasonably obsessed and hurt over it. Not jealous. Never was some "oh you are my soulmate" kinda thing. In fact, everything except the sex was all just fine. We were just friends hanging out 99% of the time. Not saying that justifies it or anything, just explaining that like many other women waiting for their lover to leave their spouse, this wasn't like that at all.
I didn't think it would do anyone any good to throw more negative crap out into the world. I don't even know his wife. But I was getting chastised and pushed for not coming all the way clean, that if I wouldn't tell her, then I was just waiting for him to call me, and a bunch of other stuff along those lines. No way that there will be a conversation or a chance encounter with this other person.
I'm kinda a hermit person, and I don't have real life friends or family that I could ask about this. I have decided that I definitely need to get into some kind of counseling. I was reaching out because I really do want to do what's right for the good of everyone. I know that telling her will not make me feel any better. I feel awful, but I brought this upon myself.
I only brought up the money thing, because, like I said, I had a bunch of I guess betrayed spouses that were bringing up the points of why I was obligated to tell the wife. I was told that I wasn't remorseful, etc. I know I couldn't hang with the dude on a full time basis, so did I have some obligation to the wife? So thank you very much for your responses. If nothing else, I can at least end this the right way.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 The wife already knows, by telling her, you are hurting the wrong person but it might be a nice opportunity for her to slap your face and make you feel some shame.
You are very lucky that your husband hasn't dumped you as well and I suspect it won't be too long before you are cheating with someone else's man.
As someone who has had my life scarred by a cheat, I can say you deserve what you got.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 Oh whoopie doo, you are planning to tell your husband about the four year long affair that you were dumped out of when your behaviour was too bad for even your married triple timing lover to accept.
There is no contrition in your question, no understanding for your ex lover's long suffering wife, no apology, just an angry need to stuff up his wife's life because you have stuffed up yours!
There is no need to tell his wife, if he is a serial cheater and has been since they first married 20 years ago, I am sure she has picked up on the signs and if she hasn't its because she has chosen not too.
You are being nasty and vindictive, trying to make sure he doesn't get anything from the inheritance his wife is expecting, would you have been so keen to make sure she cut him off financially if he hadn't dumped your sorry behind?
Leave his wife alone, you have already done enough to her just by screwing around with her husband for the past four years.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (15 October 2012):
I don't think you need to tell his wife. If anyone needs to tell his wife, it's him--it's their business and not yours. What will you really resolve telling her? Will it make you feel better because you're jealous because he now dumped you for another woman? I doubt it will and it will just add to the drama that you already have.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 October 2012):
 If this was just egoist recreation for you and you weren't emotionally attached to him, why are you so angry? Is it because you got caught by your own husband?? That's not on your married lover. That's on you.
If this guy has had a 20+ year lifestyle of cheating, chances are that his wife knows far more than you do about who and what he really is. You will gain nothing by trying to make him suffer or pay. In short, you have nothing to be mad about. You had fun and now it's over.
In fact, you should be focusing completely and SOLELY on repairing things with your husband. There should be no further contact with this guy, his wife, or anything to do with him.
You are married. You cheated. That's all that matters now. No more obsessing over his wife's money or his "getting away" with what you got caught for. Let it go and do the right thing by your husband. There's nothing else that should have anything to do with your world than your husband.
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