A
female
age
36-40,
*ittykins
writes:Me and my boyfriend of three years split up a week ago. It was mainly my desicion because *cue long background* a few weeks earlier we went out and got drunk. He was aggravating me, and being stupid, I bitched him to his best friend (who is a woman). We didn't speak for days after and when we finally met he was being cold. Eventually, after getting some dutch courage, he told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore, and that he thought it hadn't been right between us for months. But he wasn't sure so he said that we should take it easy. He made his best friend tell him what I had said, which was tame compared to what he has said to me when he was drunk before. I let him have some time alone to think and didn't speak to him for a while. When I finally wanted to arrange a time to see him, he messed me around, changing the day 4 times! We eventually agreed that we would meet sunday. Then i got a text on sunday saying that he 'had a drink' and preferred to meet me sober. Infuriated, I knew that he was with her (best friend) and her friends on the park drinking, knowing full well he was meant to see me. I agreed to monday, then went into his work and dumped him. Sounds harsh, but he has done to me me a LOT in the past 3 years. His best friend is extremely controlling and he is very immature for his age and naive. She is always calling him, and treats him as if he is actually her boyfriend, when in fact he is her lap dog and skivvys around after her. I had to deal with this strange relationship between the two of them for a long time, and it took me ages to accept that there was nothing sexual between them. He definitely does not fancy her by the way. In the meantime, I have been attending a slimming class with his best friend for the past 2 months. In that time, I grew to like her and even considered her a friend. We would go out for drinks after club etc. Then last wednesday, after the break up, I was asking her how my (now) ex boyfriend was doing (she is his housemate also). She had no idea what had happened so I explained what I had done, and told her candidly about my insecurities that had developed after the first break-up and lots of really personal things about my family.There was a situation a week earlier when I had been out with friends and seen him with her and others in the same club. I avoided him, as he did to me. I saw an argument ensue between them and he stormed out. She told me that she was asking why they weren't coming over to speak with me and that he said he didn't want to even look at me. She also said that on the sunday that he was meant to meet me, that she and her friend had tried to force him to come see me, and that he was never invited to be on the park with her anyway as she was with 'her friends'. (I did not believe this as she is like a leech to him in all social situations). Then on Friday, I met with my ex to give our things back. As usual we went out for drinks. A stupid idea. He was annoyed, yes, annoyed that I dumped him. So I made a catty remark about him preferring his friends to me, even tough he wasn't invited. His face dropped. He was invited. She had made him go. See had got him drunk. And she had convinced him to stay. I was devastated. I had told this woman personal things, and she had betrayed me and plotted this on purpose! So I told him more. That argument that had ensued between them, he said, had occurred because she told him not to come over and speak to me and that I was a "pr*ck". He was defending me when they argued! She also told him at the time to carry on going out with me but to be on the look out for someone else! I was so hurt by this. She had called him names and agreed with me when I was saying he was childish, too! So I told him everything she had said. I had promised her that we wouldn't tell what we had spoken about that night, but once I knew she had deliberately lied to me and interfered I felt her deserved to know.The next day he decided to end their 6 year friendship. Later I got a text from her saying "I can believe you've tried to turn x and me against each other. I thought you were my friend, clearly I was wrong!"I was furious because like always she was twisting the situation to seem like I was the jealous ex-girlfriend!I called him later to see if he was okay. He was cold and didn't really want to speak to me. I could sense he didn't believe me. He told me that what she told him was a complete reflection of what I told him. (I didn't get this at the time). I reassured him for the millionth time, that I wasn't lying. Now he doesn't know what to believe. I told him that if he wants to be her friend, its completely up to him, as its none of my business anymore. He agreed and that was it.I know he is doubting everything I've said, and I'm so angry because I'm not lying!!! I sent her an angry, inoffensive message on her facebook, telling her how disappointed I was in her that she has back-stabbed me and deliberately tried to influence him.Now, I've had to block both of them. I just feel so betrayed because it's as I expected from the beginning. I always suspected she was controlling of him and scheming to p*ss me off and get me out of the picture.I have to lose a lot of friends that I like because of this, as I know them through her and I don't want them thinking that I am a horrible liar that tried to break their friendship.Now I just feel so lost. I have to start my life over now, and we had so many plans together. I'm depressed all the time and I'm not sure what to do with myself. Please offer me advice with this situation....Many thanks xx
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best friend, depressed, drunk, ex girlfriend, facebook, immature, jealous, liar, my ex, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kittykins +, writes (18 May 2011):
kittykins is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for your advice, it was spot on:) He is completely naive and allows her to tell him what to do. I have discussed it with him soooo many times that I think I've gotten jaded towards the whole issue. He has already started making excuses to meet with me, (he still has some of my things apparently). And he's been texting me with kisses, which is unlike him as he's been cold to me for the past few weeks, as i said. We'll see what happens... Thank you again:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): this girl sounds like a real bitch. i think a lot of us have encountered back-stabbing girls like this at one point or another in our lives. unfortunately, there's a lot of them out there. don't ask me why?first of all, i feel really sorry for you boyfriend. don't take that the wrong way because i feel for you, as well. but that poor boy has the two most important people in his life telling him two completely opposite things. and believing one means leaving the other behind. that's a very bad and confusing situation to be in.how about this as an idea. can you contact him and ask him if all three of you could arrange a time to sit down and get to the bottom of this together? there's no reason three adults (well two really since this girl doesn't really count as a true adult) shouldn't be able to rationally discuss something this important. that way, you will all three get to hear one anothers perspectives and hear what each other has to say. she may start to attempt to lie, but in which case, your boyfriend ought to be able to identify it and catch on. one thing that does concern me is that this guy should be old enough to have a mind of his own. you say "she had made him go", and "she had got him drunk." and while she may have been very pushy, he's a grown man and should be able to make decisions for himself. shouldn't he have flat out said no?? that he has something very important he has to speak with you about? ultimately he has no one to blame but himself for allowing her to push him around like that. if he's going to be with you, he cannot allow someone to tell him what to do.if you and your ex are wanting to have a shot at being together and having a chance at lasting, one of two things needs to happen: either she does a whole lot of changing and growing up so she can stay in his life, or she needs to be out of the picture completely. but you CANNOT have a relationship with him while he's still friends with her and she's behaving this way. it's impossible. maybe all three of you can learn to co-exist and get along. maybe he needs to give her an altimatum. either way, something's gotta give. best of luck.
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