A
female
age
41-50,
*osemary
writes:HelloI'm in such a mess. My ex boyfriend split up with me at the start of last year because we both had commitment issues and didn't trust each other. Neither of us were unfaithful but we were both unable to let our barriers down at the same time and just go for it. We were together on and off for seven years and during that time we had great times and also times where we hurt each other. He lied to me about the value of our flat when we started a process of buying me out in 2004/5. It took me a long time to forgive him, I met someone else briefly but couldn't get over my ex. I've always felt that he is under my skin and I couldn't live without him.After the breakup last year I was devastated and relocated back to my home town. Even though he said that it was final, we were still in contact and gravitated back towards each other. In September last year he really hurt me at a social occasion (the first one I'd been to with him since the break up). He was drunk and said something about another girl that he fancied (around the time of our breakup) and it broke my heart. I decided that was the last straw and broke off contact with him. Then I met someone else - an old friend from uni contacted me who I hadn't seen for 13 years. This is someone who I never got together with originally because of circumstances, but there was a lot of chemistry and a great friendship at the time. This all came back and it was as if no time had passed. We've fallen in love, he is so sensitive and caring and I am so attracted to him as well. There's a lot of chemistry.With my ex, the physical attraction has sort of faded and I wonder if that's because of all the crap we've been through. However the idea of living without him causes me so much agony I feel I can't get closure or move on with my life.I know that my ex has spent many months reflecting on his mistakes and is a changed man. Knowing that he is out there, loves me and wants to make me happy makes it so hard to continue in my current relationship. However I'm scared if I throw away the wonderful relationship that I currently have I will regret it. The doubt I have about my current relationship though is that he is on long term medication (including anti depressants) and has been off his work for 8 months with stress. He is going back to university. I'm worried that he won't be able to provide a stable life for me (I know that sounds awful) and I wonder when we'd be able to start a family. My ex is very well off financially, I still own the flat with him and he wants to start a family.I feel terrible and so guilty for being in this situation. I've tried many times to tell my ex that I'm not going back, but I can't seem to stick to my word. I haven't been unfaithful to my current partner but I feel emotionally that I am being untrue and it's tearing me apart. I have tried to be honest with both but I just feel like a bad person.I love my ex but still resent him for hurting me in the past. I feel selfish in a way because I don't want anyone else to have him yet I am in another relationship. I've told my current partner that I need time on my own to heal and figure myself out. I don't feel I deserve either of them at this stage. I hate uncertainty and I'm desperate to get myself out of this situation. The other thing that has happened is that I fell pregnant recently with my current partner and had a miscarriage. My first reaction to the pregnancy was anger towards my current partner and panic that I couldn't ever go back to my ex. I then felt calmer and thought that the decision was made for me and it was fate. After the miscarriage I felt like I fell in love with my current partner even more and was determined to give my life to him and move on. However he broke up with me not long after and it caused me a lot of distress. Although he said he didn't mean it, it has left me with barriers and feeling vulnerable. I have asked him for space. I contacted my ex and he had started dating someone. When he told me, I felt so much grief. He told me that I am his number one and he doesn't want to be with anyone else ever, and that if I go back to him he will spend the rest of his life making me happy and loving me. I do love him but I don't feel head over heels for him or feel the physical attraction or chemistry that I feel with my current partner. I wonder if I went back, it would come back again? I worry that although my current partner has changed, and I can tell he has, would he ever be sensitive enough for me. This is what I love about my current partner - he is so sensitive and I feel he really connects with me. However he is emotionally fragile, like me. Another factor is that my current partner came out of a 12 year relationship at the same time as we met up with each other again. He seems to expect too much from me, too soon, like he wanted to fall into a strong, solid relationship straight away. I don't think either of us were ready when we got together. He was totally sure that his relationship was over and hasn't seemed to have batted an eyelid about it since. However I have been toruring myself. I didn't know my ex was going to come back and go on a mission to win me back, or that he was going to change and grow up. I've been in this predicament for four months and I can't stand it any more. Why can't I make a decision? I'm trying so hard and the answer is not coming to me. Any advice would be gratefully received.ThanksRosemary
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female
reader, Rosemary +, writes (13 April 2008):
Rosemary is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKeljaThanks so much for taking the time to give me your valuable and wise advice. I really appreciate it. I hope I can return the favour sometime.Rosemary
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (13 April 2008):
 Hello Rosemary,
This is a very tough situation you have gotten yourself into.
On the one hand, you have someone who tells you he is ready to be the man he never could be with you. If you leave your current partner for this "promise" you may find that the ex hasn't changed as he thought. Unless there was some big event that has caused your ex to review his life (or unless he turned 40) it isn't likely he has changed as much as he thinks he has. I'll share a saying...Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Going back to an ex can be rewarding but most times, you end up where you left off.
And then, you would have to give up on your current guy. Why did he break up with you? It seems like you have some trust issues with him as well. It would concern me that he has been off work for 8 months. We like to think we can be the bigger person but not contributing financially to a relationship does cause problems, big problems. A person who has battles with depression is a risk as well. If you feel like you can be there for him, then that may not be a problem but be sure you know what you are signing up for. Long term medication can be a problem for his sex life. You say you want a family, is he emotionally available for children? Really, really be sure you know what a future with this man is all about. There will be hard times.
My first thought was for you to stay in your current relationship but when I read that he broke up with you and that he was battling depression and not able to work my thoughts for you were to start over. Why do you have to settle for either of these men? Maybe the reason you can't decide is because neither of them are solid options and you feel as you would be settling with either of them. Have you thought about starting over with someone new. No baggage, no history, just fresh air.
Give this some thought.
Take care Rosemary.
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