A
male
age
26-29,
*vang
writes:Hello everyone, my ex-gf of 10 years have recently just broken up with me. To be exact she broke up with me July 15th. i will try to make this long story as short as i can. Everything started when she moved down to Oklahoma with her parents in February. I am currently in Wisconsin. She moved down there to help her parents with their business. Since we have been dating for 10 years i believed the distance will not harm us. Sadly it did. When she broke up with me she told me that the distance helped her realize that she did not need me for her happiness and that i was not attentive enough for her. She explained how she begged me to move down their with her, but i refused her all the time. i do admit that i was not attentive when she really needed me to, but i chose not to move because i live with my siblings and wanted to help support them as well. She also told me that she fell in love with another man and that he is her "soulmate". There was a time where we both believed we were each others soulmate. It's been almost 2 weeks since the breakup and i have hit such a depressive state. It's one of those moments where i lost the love of my life and she is the one that got away. I can't help but still feel that there is love there and that she may still feel the same way. I want to visit her and pour my heart out to her, but it seems like i'm acting on emotions instead of logic. At the same time i don't want to regret not fighting for this love that we had for so long. I still talk to her brother as we are friends and he says that she actively talks about the guy she fell in love with. I'm looking for some advice on whether this relationship is worth fighting for and if i can win her back. I understand its not some movie or fairy tale, but i really do love her and am willing to do everything for her.
View related questions:
broke up, fell in love, move on, my ex, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 July 2020):
 Oh dear. I hear this time and time again. I've even been part of this story on more than one occasion. Let me tell you one of MY stories so you understand better where your girlfriend is coming from.
I dated a guy for some 12 months who was going through a painful separation, which eventually ended in divorce. I was quite young and a bit foolish to get involved with a man in this position, but that was a lesson learned. He used to tell me regularly that he would never love anyone again because it was too painful. He would even sing along to the lyrics of the Meatloaf song while looking me in the eye: "I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm every gonna love you, but don't be sad coz two out of three ain't bad".
At the beginning this did not bother me too much as the relationship was new and I wasn't ready for anything heavy, having just come out of a toxic relationship myself. In time, however, I started thinking "Heh, you are worth more than this". And guess what? I found it. I got close to a guy who had no reservations about throwing himself wholeheartedly into a relationship with me. I dumped the first guy, who then started to contact me, telling me how, for the first time since he had split up with his wife, he had woken up thinking about ME, and not HER. How he had failed to see he did love me but was just too afraid to show it.
Guess what? Too little too late. I stuck with the new guy because he hadn't made me feel bad about myself. He hadn't made me feel worthless. Although the second relationship ran its course and we split a few years later, I was never once tempted to go back to the guy who made me feel like I didn't matter to him.
Your girlfriend is in a similar situation I believe. You made her feel like she wasn't important, like she wasn't your No 1 priority. Whatever your reasons for doing what you did (or didn't do), you made her feel bad. She has now met someone who makes her feel good about herself and she has moved on from her life with you.
You have lost her, my friend. Let me tell you, you stand little (if any) chance against the new guy at the moment. You need to learn a lesson from this and look after what you want to keep in your life. There is always the possibility that, with time, if this new relationship doesn't work out, she may give you another chance, but this will not be any time soon. If I were you, I would lick your wounds, heal, learn your lesson and move on. Put more effort into your next relationship. Everyone wants to feel they matter. Never make them feel worthless.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020):
She was with you for 10 years and within a few weeks of moving she has found her soulmate?
Let her go. It is obvious this is either an old flame or she has been cheating on you the entire time.
Either way, forget it. Move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): She has found another man. That's probably the main reason why she moved; her parents were the convenient excuse. She was obligated to ask you to come with her, all the while hoping you'd decline. She wouldn't admit it, she has outgrown your relationship; and it lasted longer than it should have anyway.
You fight with everything you've got to save a marriage. Yes, you should work hard to keep a good romantic-relationship going; but it doesn't require the kind of fight and effort necessary to sustain a marriage. People will pass through your life, and some are only meant to be there for a season. Often, a sudden and unexpected change means someone else is actually making their way to you; and life is preparing you for that event. You need to mature, and let-go of boyish-ways. Time for change. Someone else may be intended for her, and not you. Appreciate what you have, when you have it; not once you've lost it.
Often when people claim they are fighting to keep a girlfriend or boyfriend; they are refusing to accept reality. Pride hates rejection. A possessive-spirit makes us jealous and want to own other people like they're property. Life has to change, and things must be re-arranged in order to allow for our growth; in order for us to live according to our purpose and destiny. Some people are not destined to be on that journey with us. God sometimes makes changes in our lives; because He knows what your future holds. He has great intentions in-store for us. I was once dumped by a person, who told me I deserved better. I didn't understand or believe it then; but it has come true. I've found love and happiness like I've never known it before!
If someone tells you they've already replaced you, what do you think you're fighting for?
To undo her choice, and you'll decide who's right for her? To dismiss the reasons she told you why she decided to end it with you, because you find them unacceptable? It is because you're jealous?
Your age is given between 22-25; which means you've been together since you were around 12. It's fine for a friendship to last between kids that long; but as you're growing-up, young-people need to date in variety, gain experience, and explore relationships with different personality-types. She more or less had to getaway from you; the relationship grew tiresome and stagnant. She broke-free of an unfulfilling-connection; that might have otherwise felt comfortable for you, mainly for the sake of convenience and familiarity. She had to change the scenery, return to her home-environment, and find her way in the world without feeling emotionally-dependent on you. She must have wanted to for a long time.
You will have to come to grips and accept that the relationship is over. You didn't have to pull-up your roots to follow her around. As I said, what marriage requires in order to survive could require extreme-measures at times. Two people bound under vows of marriage have to live-up to those promises. You are young, and still have some maturing ahead of you.
You can stubbornly break your back and wreck your nerves trying to hang-on to a girlfriend; but most of the time it's in vain.
You may refuse to let her go. She seems to be a strong and determined young-woman. As the Borg would say: "Resistance is futile!" It's time to move-on, and try to date an assortment of female-personalities to determine who actually is the best match for you. Please kick using the term "soulmate." There is no such thing! That's terminology invented for Valentines Day greeting cards! What may have been ideal at 12-16, is no longer true at 25! I had a romantic partner for 28 years, who eventually died of cancer. That person was a lawyer, and what you'd consider as an over-achiever, Type-A personality. He was kind, and an exemplary human-being. At the present, the love of my life is calm, easy-going, ambitious, and very down to earth. Nothing like my first, but everything I appreciate in my relationship is how it differs from the first one. It's sweet and peaceful, but I've also changed with time. I've learned many new things, and what I've learned has also changed my life.
It's time to grow-up and move on. You'll find love again, and it's not necessary to cause her any trouble. Fate has changed the course of your destiny. Stay where you are, and time will heal your pain and withdrawal-symptoms from the breakup. If you want to fight, fight to recover and get-over her. She told you she has found happiness with someone-else; so let her be.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 July 2020):
You're not going to accomplish anything but further heartbreak at this point. It's almost impossible to compete with "the new guy" because they haven't been together long enough for her to experience his flaws, but since you've been together for 10 years she knows most of yours.
It's entirely possible that if things don't work out the way she thinks they will with this guy that she'll start reaching out to you.
The best thing you can do for your dignity and to not turn her off more is to stop calling her and don't follow her on social media. Move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2020):
 I think a 10 year relationship in your mid 20's are VERY rare. You two pulled it off. BUT if you two started dating at 15/17 WHO you wanted for a partner THEN and who you want at the age of 25/26 can have change drastically.
She moved back home to help out her parents, or that WAS the excuse. I think she might have felt moving was the right choice because she wasn't getting her needs met from you. She might also have WANTED to be near her family. If she has lived in YOUR neck of the wood for a long time, maybe she realized that she NEEDED to be closer to home and since YOU refused to move down there, even for her... IT needed to end.
Fighting for something you lost can be rather pointless and unproductive. You KNEW she was not entirely happy for a while before she moved home, otherwise moving home would not have been so "easy". Did she ASK for more attention? Affection and you didn't feel like you had to do that? When she needed support, you couldn't be bothered?
SHE TOLD you what she needed from you. And when she realized that SHE wasn't as high on her list of priorities for you, she moved home. In a sense... she moved on back in February. Checked out of the relationship. Which is also why she was OPEN to meeting someone else. OPEN to fall for someone else.
Now I'm NOT saying this was ALL your fault, she pretty much gave you an ultimatum without telling you. Or maybe you were a bit oblivious? Not paying attention?
And then there is the "soul-mate" thing. OP, there isn't just ONE good match "out there" for you or for her. Calling someone a soul mate doesn't mean it's meant to last or that it will work.
She met someone else. And when she thought HE would be a better match for her than you, she ended it with you. She can't have known him more than 5 months but is calling it LOVE and talking "Soul-mate".... He is her rebound OP. It might and might not work out. But he really is a reaction to your relationship dying. She might realize in 5-6 months that he ISN'T exactly who she thought he was. And then she will move on to someone else. Not back to you.
And then there is the 10 years together, 10! and there were not real grown up talk about marriage, family? Where you would ACTUALLY live? Because it seems like you BOTH have obligations to family in VERY different states, Her down South and you in WI.
And lastly, OP. It's only been 2 weeks since the break up, I'm sorry to tell you, it's going to keep hurting for a while. A long while. Because you two SHARED 10 years together, no one really just bounces back the next day. She had 5 months to "get over" you. From the moment she moved home, maybe even before that, she checked out of the relationship because she felt unfulfilled, maybe homesick, maybe she had grown in a different direction than you. YOU on the other hand, have only KNOWN for 2 weeks! Of course you are feeling the loss! When she left you had no idea that it was going to be over?
You need to accept the break up and go through the motions of a break up, with all that it entails.
I don't think you going down there declaring your love and making promises (that you might not even want to keep) JUST to get her back is going to work. SHE has moved on. She did so in February. I don't think it was just the distance that "harmed" the relationship. I think SHE made the choice to move home because she was no longer happy in the relationship with you. And moving home confirmed her feelings that IT was indeed over. That is also why she so "easily" moved on with another guy.
Breaking up is a process, like grief. You are going to have to go through the motions. Acceptance being the first step.
You will always hold a spot in her heart, like she will hold one in yours, but that doesn't mean you are meant to be together anymore.
GIVE yourself time, to accept, understand and LEARN from this relationship. Don't throw yourself into dating right away, definitely NOT before YOU are OVER her. It wouldn't be fair to any potential dates. Or you.
You found one girl who was a good match for 10 years! Which means you can find another. You probably know what you want in a partner, 10 years of dating one person should have taught you a few things. And maybe it has also taught you what NOT to do. Next time.
A marriage, relationship or friendship needs constant tending, like a garden. It will grow if you continuously water it. If you neglect it, it will die or fill up with weeds. And again, what you (and she) wanted at 15/16 or the BEGINNING of the relationship changes over time, there needs to be a good communication so that you BOTH can keep up with the changes. Growing together is better than one person outgrowing the other. But we all mature and grow at different paces so that CAN happen, it's not uncommon.
You say :"i really do love her and am willing to do everything for her." But you weren't when you had the chance to prove that. You didn't WANT to move to OK, you didn't work on giving her more attention and the support she needed. So is the "i really do love her and am willing to do everything for her." an empty promise? NEVER make a promise you don't intend to keep 100%.
And sometimes it's a matter of "too little, too late". And the fact that SHE saw you two were growing apart was probably what helped her make the choice to move home to help her parents' business. And maybe it was also partly why you didn't say I'll go with you.
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. What you do with it is entirely up to you. But know this, you CAN'T make this relationship happen IF she isn't interested in fixing it, and I don't think she is, as she has moved on with someone else.
Maybe this is a good time for you to get reacquainted with yourself. Readjust your dreams for the future, maybe go for some goals you had on the back burner, or try new things (and no, I don't mean try Tinder or having a lot of random partners.... OK?) but something for your OWN personal growth.
Lastly, YOU can love someone and not make it work. You can love someone and NOT be together. And you can love someone and LET them go.
Sorry, there are no easy fixes here. My advice is to accept it and move on. And don't stay in contact with HER. And if you stay in contact with her brother, make an effort to NOT talk about her.
Life goes on, even after a broken heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): As you are sure you love her and are willing to do anything for her leave her in peace. She insists she has found happiness, leave her to be happy.
...............................
|
