A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are both 27. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met. He is so loving, empathetic, humorous, caring, and interesting. He is my best friend. I am extremely attracted to him. However, he has low self esteem when it comes to his appearance and I want to be able to support him the best I can. When we first began dating, he was pretty open with sharing that he’s self conscious about his acne and also his stomach (which is very small, as he was both very slim and very fit, but I get how low self esteem works). He told me he has slightly low self esteem.We have not seen one another for 6 months. He lives on a military base and has been locked down indefinitely due to the pandemic for the past six months. We don’t know when this will lift but our relationship is very strong and he makes me feel very loved. Because nothing is open on base, my boyfriend hasn’t gone to the this whole time. He was previously very fit but has lost some most of his muscles and according to him his stomach is bigger. He is otherwise naturally very skinny. I love him just how he is whether he’s his fit self or current self. However, his unkind comments towards his appearance has increased over time. I suggested before that he work out outdoors and/or do body weights, to help with his mood (I never mention anything about his appearance), but he didn’t feel motivated. It wasn’t until he hit a low point (work stress) that something hit him and suddenly he’s been working out 5-6 days a week outdoors for the past month. His workouts are reasonable and he’s slowly increasing its intensity. I was very surprised this happened but very proud of him. He seems to approaching it healthily. However, his comments about his body has still been increasing. We exchange selfies and mirror photos on a daily basis and lately he’s been sending them with “my tummy :(“ or if I ask for a selfie he’ll send one but comment “I look fat though.” Or, out of nowhere he’ll just text me with a comment about his appearance. He’s also mentioned wanting to get cosmetic treatment for his acne/textured skin, has become interested in fashion, and showed me a photo telling me about an outfit he likes and said then added “ahh I wish I were that handsome :’(“ Of course, I always tell him that ii find him handsome and attractive. I have always responded with love and kindness. For the photos where he sends without a comment, I always tell him how wonderful i think he looks which is the truth. He will respond with denial. Lately, I have been wondering if he doesn’t believe my compliments. It also makes me wonder if it’s because I say it to much or in a way that sounds too exaggerated. But I don’t they sound purposeful or forced at all. He has also commented once that I’m going to be shocked when I see him in person again (cuz he looks different now).Other that this, he’s very stressed with work performance. He’s also lonely sometimes (he’s older than most people he encounters, typical for military, and so has difficulty forming meaningful connections). I’m able to talk to him about everything that’s bothering him and he shares a lot too, but never really approached this topic directly, only in response to things he said. Today I told him that I’m worried about him because he’s been unkind to himself lately and if there’s anything I can do. He basically just responded that he’ll be okay. It didn’t seem like an approachable topic or one that he wanted to talk about directly. At the end of our video call, I told him that I loved him, exactly how he is, even if he doesn’t love himself. He puts in 200% effort in our relationship but I also wonder if he’s worried about it. Due to him thinking he’s not attractive and also not being able to see each other. He’s worried we won’t be able to see each other for the rest of the year and I actually wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. We video chat 2-3 times a week and text every couple hours in between. I realized I made him sound very clingy/whiny but actually he’s not a big texter and certainly not bombarding me with comments.I’m not trying to change him but how can I help him cope? Or is this just something that will always be apart of him? I can accept that, but I want HIM to be happy. I haven’t mentioned therapy but I know that he 100% can’t afford it. There are free services but I don’t know how he’d feel about them and if he has any time in his schedule, really. Would love advice on how to show support over long distance.
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acne, best friend, long distance, military, muscle, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): P.S
When your boyfriend decides to see either a dermatologist and/or a plastic surgeon about treatment for his acne-scarring; please encourage him to do his homework. Research the specialist; and don't set his expectations unrealistically high. He has to beware of crackpots who promise him the world; and could cause more damage than good. Many people seek laser treatments for acne-scarring; and some get fillers. He has to checkout the doctors credentials and try to avoid cheap treatments that could make his scarring worse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): You're the most supportive and best girlfriend ever!
There isn't really more you can do than what you're doing. You give him love, and there is nothing anyone can offer better than that.
Self-image insecurities and body-dysmorphia are deeply-ingrained psychological-conditions that some people learn to overcome; while some people may require professional-therapy. Your boyfriend's problems seem minor; and maybe your love makes you extra-sensitive to his feelings. Acne-scarring often does make people very self-conscious; no thanks to those who tend to stare, or place too much emphasis on our looks and appearance. Everyone has a flaw or imperfection that we feel if we remove it, it will change our lives. Sometimes we'll just find another one once we do solve it. That depends on the depth of our vanities and insecurities.
He took action, and your support and encouragement is more help than you may realize. Don't feel you have to mother and doctor his insecurities, he's a grown-man. Compared to the combat-scars, injuries, and disfigurements I've seen working in a Veteran's hospital; he is a very lucky man. He's whole in spite of a few minor imperfections. He's strong and healthy, or he wouldn't be serving our country! On top of that, he has a wonderful woman like you! God bless you, sweetheart!
Keep letting him know how much you love him! He hears you! He even took your advice about working-out. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who feels sorry for himself; because he took the initiative. Missing you, work, and other stuff gets you down sometimes. It's a blessing from heaven to have people who care for you, like you! That makes you forget why you feel sorry for yourself. It's all a part of life, and it's something we all face sooner or later.
He has resolved the tummy-issue with exercise. He is probably considering dermabrasion and other dermatology treatments that aren't that drastic or costly. If it boosts his self-esteem, don't discourage it. He feels it will help; so let him pursue whatever options he thinks would ease his self-consciousness. Part of the self-help therapy is doing what you can. He has all his limbs, sight, hearing, and a strong fully-functional body!
May God bless and preserve your love, and I hope he's smart enough to marry a wonderful lady like you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): If you are not careful you will lose him as a boyfriend and become his therapist/counsellor (who is out of her depth anyway) instead. You cannot be both. All too often someone says they need to "help" their other half, yet they want advice on how to do it, proving they are not able to. Men want to see their girlfriend as a bubbly, funny sexy woman not a brain box professor, once it becomes more like that it turns them off and all the passion dies with it. They only want to speak to you for support, advice, reassurance and it is not long before they have a new girlfriend.
Right now you may think it is fine to be his therapist but believe me it is time consuming, hard work, needs experience and qualifications and expertise which you do not have, and becomes very repetitive and boring.
Point him to a professional. He has a good job, he can afford to pay a professional to help him. Do not get involved in "helping" or "sorting". Let the expert do it. Enjoy the relationship, enjoy being a girlfriend, it is far more fun and far more worthwhile than being there to prop up someone.
I have known of women who helped their partners ( not me ) and then eventually the guy goes off sorted or better but with another woman. Once he has that confidence.
You are not there to mend someone, you are not a psychiatrist, you are supposed to be dating an equal who can put as much effort into making you happy as you do him. What does he contribute to your happiness?
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