A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I left a very abusive relationship a couple of months ago, and in class I've met a wonderful law student who is helping me with all the legal issues involving my ex. He has been very kind and supportive and always encourages me to keep pursuing justice when I am feeling down. He also cheers me up, and makes sure I go to my counseling appointments and admires my strenght to leave and keep going.I of course am at a very vulnerable spot,and do not want to get into a relationship. I have been upfront and he understands.Yesterday, we made love for the first time. He was gentle and kind, and I really wanted him, or his comfort. He was extremely sweet the next morning,and has been sweet as always.The thing is that while we made love in a position where I was on my chest,he touched my back gently I IMMEDIATELY started to sob uncontrollably. It reminded of when my ex would put in in that position and have very rough intercourse with me...Is this normal? How can I get over this? I do not want to think I am *damaged* - but I just want to heal...Is this common? Will it pass?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2013):
 You aren't ready for a relationship just yet, if you even have to ask people. I have a link for you to find appropriate counseling and ensure that you are getting the right help: http://www.thehotline.org
How can you get over this? With qualified counselors and some work on your part. You'll be so much better off a year from now.
And don't sleep with Mr. Law Student I'll Help You Get Over Your Ex again until you have a good handle on things. It may be that you are being exploited and simply don't have the self-awareness to recognize that.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, barcode12  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 You are not ready for this. Don't plunge into another mess. This is a rebound. You need to heal yourself before making love to another guy. It will get you emotionally attached and the process will be another cycle. Remember love when you're ready not when you're lonely.
Get yourself out of this mess before it gets another a bigger mess. By then it's really hard to heal yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): No it's not normal OP and it means you're on the rebound. You're not damaged but you're nowhere near ready for this kind of thing with a guy.
You're basically using him, regardless of whether he knows and agrees, you're using him for emotional comfort and as happens with most rebounds once you've started to move on properly from your ex you may not want to be with this guy.
Be very, very careful here OP. He's a grown man so if he gets hurt then that's on him for getting with a rebound girl but you're in a very vulnerable place emotionally right now and this situation if it gets messy will just make that worse. You may have to deal with a guy who knows you're not ready but falls in love with you anyway and you start to feel immense guilt for not loving him back, you may have to deal with a guy who is only doing the support thing to bed you, or even worse this guy could be a co-dependent who has a thing for damaged women and will want to keep you vulnerable so you'll "need" him. The list of scenarios goes on OP. Are you truly in a state mentally where you can deal with the issues that will without doubt arise from your rebound with this guy?
Because honestly OP the kind of guy who likes to play "white knight" is nothing like the movies when it comes to a woman in your situation. They keep score OP, and they do it for the rewards they expect and if they don't get that they turn sour pretty quickly.
Don't take this the wrong way OP but you need to think long and hard about what kind of man wants to be with a woman who is a complete emotional mess at the moment, is not emotionally available, is still not over her ex, needs counselling, cries during sex, is just out of a situation of mental abuse and torture therefore very vulnerable?
You also need to ask yourself if a woman with that kind of mental state is in any way ready to be intimate or close to another man or whether she really is able to cope with the emotional intricacies that will involve. OP sex changes the dynamic of male female interaction and you know it, regardless of what you agreed upon it adds a layer of emotion that you really shouldn't have to deal with right now.
OP you need to heal, and already one sex session and you're so disturbed by what happened you've come to strangers for advice. The warning signs are there OP. You already have so much shit to work through, why are you adding more to that list? not only will you have to back to square one in your healing process but you'll also have to deal with messing up your greatest source of support at the moment or even finding out he was just a preying on you all along.
Could it all be fine? Yeah it could, but you've really put yourself at huge risk here and likelihood of it not messy is very low.
Take a step back from intimacy and sexual stuff with him. Keep him purely as a platonic friend because you know deep down that it doesn't matter what you said to him, you're not ready for this at all.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (24 September 2013):
You are a normal human being who has been through hell and back with another man. Dont ever knock yourself and say you are damaged. You have had a traumatic experience and that is what has happened to you. You are a great human being, but you need counselling and therapy sessions ASAP. I am not going to knock you for have sex with this new man who makes you feel great. But just maybe tune down the sex and get professional help before doing anything again. See what they say. My only feeling on this subject is when you do something and it makes you feel bad to the point of crying and getting real emotional over a act between a man and a woman that should leave you and your partner satisfied and fulfilled with each other and some inner peace you need to stop that act. If this man is a keeper and you want to tell him what happened to you then i am sure if he is worth anything as a lover, friend and potential future mate he will understand and let you get the help you need right now.Please never sell yourself short, you were the victim and you deserve love and happiness like any other man or woman. Never forget what i just told you, never. You will heal and with help you will return to become the great person that you are. I wish you all the best in the future. I know it seems impossible but deep inside i know that things will work out well for you in the end. Move forward and do what you have to do....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2013):
 I think you are moving too fast, it's only been a couple of months since you got out of a bad relationship and into the bed with you "knight in shining armor".
I think your reactions was a tell-tale sing that you are NOT ready to date or "Bed" anyone yet.
Keep going to counseling.
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