A
female
age
41-50,
*ainaaa
writes: He has too much privacy. The image of him having sex with a woman is never fading. Its still in my mind. Whenever i think of the image, I just dont know how much I hate him and immediately changes my mood. He chats , keeps a secret lock code still after the fight we had when he cheated on me. He never said me the passwords of any of his mails. Does this mean he is cheating? I just dont wanna to stay in a marriage which has no trust at all. We have two kids and I dnt know what to do. Any help? Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): I have to tell you that I have been through what you are going through, but I am much, much stronger now. The whole privacy thing is a crock.... yes, I struggled with that one with my husband and we have four kids. But, the lies kept coming and eventually one day when I found out he had gone after a woman at a work event as though he were single... I said "Enough! I do not want to be married to someone who represents himself as single to any other women. I don't want to be lied to any more. I want a divorce!"
Well...surprise, surprise... miracles do happen... cuz he knew he crossed the line with me one too many times and he finally said he'd get therapy and he opened up all of his private e-mail accts, passwords and such..
So, I am seeing how much effort he wants to put forth towards me now. I am giving him a bit of a chance, but think we may still get divorced. A lot depends on how much work and effort he wants to put into it.
As for me... I will never again settle for the "privacy" excuse... people don't just hide things for no reason... people who love you don't hide things from you and lie to you.
Please don't settle for anything less than you deserve and even if you have kids. They also deserve better than to have a father who lies to their mother and hides things from her.. think about it and best of luck to you!
A
female
reader, nainaaa +, writes (20 June 2008):
nainaaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was away from him for about a year and I dint want to be with him again. But for the sake of kids I just tried if I cud live with him. I knew I can never ever forgive him if he doesnt corperate.He is wat I thot. We fought very much during the time we were away.But during the time we came back to each other, the time we spent were excellent. Kids were happy and we both were happy. But after about a month things became worse I must say. I just dont wanna to live like this. But he is an evil man. He uses the kids to keep me with him. He says he wud take the kids from me. We fight very often now. He used to fight infront of the kids. He still has complete privacy over his cell and emails. He comes home late. Please help me if theres ANYthing which might keep us together or which he wud change. *tears*
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A
female
reader, nainaaa +, writes (20 June 2008):
nainaaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was away from him for about a year and I dint want to be with him again. But for the sake of kids I just tried if I cud live with him. I knew I can never ever forgive him if he doesnt corperate.He is wat I thot. We fought very much during the time we were away.But during the time we came back to each other, the time we spent were excellent. Kids were happy and we both were happy. But after about a month things became worse I must say. I just dont wanna to live like this. But he is an evil man. He uses the kids to keep me with him. He says he wud take the kids from me. We fight very often now. He used to fight infront of the kids. He still has complete privacy over his cell and emails. He comes home late. Please help me if theres ANYthing which might keep us together or which he wud change. *tears*
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A
female
reader, nainaaa +, writes (20 June 2008):
nainaaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontuatara, Thanks a lot. Ur advice is really Excellent!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Your in a horrible place at the moment and you need some help honey.
You haven't really given us alot of information other than that he has cheated in the past perhaps and your worried he may do it again?
When someone is betrayed, they are a mess usually and all confused as to what is or isn't real. What they can or can't trust and rely on. Your also in a vulnerable place where you possibly have had your self esteen and confidence shattered. All of which you should know are normal and usual and at times overwhelming.
So first you need to understand that your not a superwomen who can easily get of this type of hurt and pain. It takes alot of time, love and support.
The support you seeking is from the one who has hurt you so desperately. But often and usually, the support from this person is confusing and frequently more destructive. That is of course if they give it!
Your thoughts and visions of him with others is also extremely usual and normal! It is also one of the most soul destroying things you, as the faithful and honourable wife, has to deal with after infidelity.
I guess what I wanted to tell you is that your behaving in a way which most of us would also do. So firstly you need to understand that and realise that he is the one who created your feelings and he is the one who needs to understand all that comes with his actions. He also needs to understand that you need help in working through all of this if your marriage is going to continue.
It sounds as if he has left you up in the air to work it out and find your own way with this pain. This is where it is wrong and may create more problems for both of you if he will not be committed to supporting your emotional needs and take actions to change his behaviour.
You need to let us know what process you and he have taken since his cheating? Have you sought councelling, have you talked about it and what are his attempts to make you feel safe and secure with your relationship?
Irrespective of what has occurred to date between the two of you, obviously your still hurting. I think you should perhaps get some help with yourself, perhaps independently also. You have children who rely on you and need their mum to be coping. So perhaps at this time your focus should also consider how much this is impacting on them.
Bottom line, your husband is a shit. He is behaving like a shit and he is out of line! He cheated, he was married and he needs to face the fact that this has rocked you totally and if he is not going to give you respect and emotional support to get through all of this, you may need to make a decision to leave. Even if it is for a while to get yourself back on track with your expectations about your marriage and future.
Adultery takes a long, long time to recover from. Also, sometimes you don't recover from it. I have also discovered over the years that the 'adulterer' often, can't relate to the pain it causes and the terrible feelings the innocent party has to handle. If they were that type of person who understands, then they probably wouldn't be a person who could or can cheat. I think when you realise this about someone, you understand more why they just don't seem to care - basically they don't know how to care, properly and deeply when it counts.
Cheaters are liars honey, they are self absorbed and reckless with others lives. They have to make - you - seem like the one who has a problem, to feel better about who they are. They lie afterwards to make it sound not so bad, then, when you still hurt, they get angry and deflect your anger and pain back on to you. To shut you up and hope it all goes away. All of these things are typical charachter traits of ones who cheat and can't handle the consequences.
These are not your disfunction but his.
I am sure that you can see now in him things you possibly didn't want to look at or face. Try not to confuse staying with him for your children. Try not to use the childrens existance to tell yourself you need him. Try to consider if you wish to continue living with someone who may well do this again to you and again tell you to deal with it.
It is time for your husband to step up, communicate with you and help you through your pain. Time for him to show you this is not who he is and who he is prepared to be. Time for him to work very hard at regaining your trust and respect. You can't do it for him, it has to come from him.
It has to be genuine and real. If he can't, won't or is does not know how to show you and help your marriage with this monster, you need to make some decisions for yourself and your children.
The little you have given us is enough to suggest he does not give a shit. That hurts.
But maybe it is time for you to put your cards on the table and say, "okay sunshine, enough is enough of this treatment and unless YOU change and try, I am walking!".
I encourage you to continue on this website, the aunts and uncles here have been there and done that. They care and will help you through all this confusion. They will give you different perspectives and approaches.
So your not alone and we care even if he doesn't!
Big love and kisses.
xxxxx
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