A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone tell me why people would repeatedly call in unannounced, after so many failed visits (turning up when no one is home)?My inlaws love visiting us, at least once every two days. They live half an hour away and where we live isn't on their way to anything - it's the other end of the city and there's nothing really out here. They come over and pretend they're just stopping in on their way somewhere else. Shortish visits but oh so annoying. You could be getting changed or on the toilet .. with the sliding door open.. and here they are walking in. I'm fine with them visiting, only it'd be nice to know a rough time.. so I can out the kettle on, make sure I can be home etc. This week, for instance, they have called up at 9pm. We were having a late tea and were in a bit of a rush as we'd only just got home.. and were also soaking wet from the rain. I froze while trying to be polite and cook tea at the same time. Another night, we heard a tapping on the door at 8pm and it was the MIL with dessert for us?! They show up all hours really and most of the time we're not home but they leave something there to let us know they came. The other day they turned up at 11am and we had visitors already, then of course you feel kinda awkward because the guest was upset bout something and in the middle of a personal conversation with me and I was also trying to welcome the inlaws.I just don't understand when you live half an hour away, why you would just SHOW up at VERY random inconsistent times when you could just call up first, see if we're home and say "can we pop in about 3?" I'm flexible but I do like to know when I'll have visitors. Why why why do they keep doing this? Do they have a phone phobia?? When they show up, sometimes we're on our way out and they seem disappointed we don't drop our plans to fit in with them. Even my husband gets annoyed at this. Yet they're such good people so I don't know how to even approach this without offending. But why do they do it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): Thank you WiseowlE, Honeypie & anonymous. This advice has been really helpful.
Yes, Honeypie, it's a generation gap. You've hit the nail on the head. I think your grandma had the right idea! She sounds like a switched on lady! I was raised like you too & so I have trouble understanding other people & I tend to view it, first off, as really disrespectful of other people's time.
WiseowlE, I want to ask them to call first, it doesn't seem like it'd be hard but I choke on the words. My husband is afraid of offending them too. They are very good to us. It's an awkward situation. I don't want them to think I'm not grateful for all the little things they do. You are right. In their house, they just have walk-ins all the time & they're fine with it. Of course, never from us, because you treat people the way you want to be treated don't you? You are very perceptive. You're right - they do feel isolated. My FIL suffers from chronic pain & walking is painful, so driving round &, GRRR popping in constantly, gives him something to do with his day! I didn't consider empty nest syndrome. Thank you for mentioning this!
Anonymous, you are right. It's my hubby's job to sort this. It annoys me most & so I always think it's something I need to deal with, but he really should be speaking up for the both of us. He's an only child, yes, & we've lived together for many years now, but only RECENTLY moved so far away from them. We were previously just down the block & ironically, hardly had any pop ins. Maybe, because of empty nest syndrome, they feel their son is so much further away & feel more of a need to visit more. I think it's only now that the empty nest syndrome has hit them, that their son isn't just down the block! Your nan sounds so awesome! What a really intelligent way to handle the situation. I'll be doing the coat trick, whenever possible, this day forward!!!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 Why not have your husband ask them/talk to them?
I would just have him explain that you love to see them, but YOU both prefer to know WHEN they are going to show up so you can have tea ready and hopefully be home.
I think it's partly a generation gap and partly a difference in life style. My guess is.. they are retired and got nothing to do?
I was raised with ALWAYS calling first. Even with friends. I'd call to make sure they weren't up to anything or busy and then pop over. Just as I would call if I had to cancel. My grandmother would NOT open the door if you showed up unannounced, nor would she answer the phone when her soaps were on. THAT is just who she was. And how I was raised.
Who doesn't like to have the house picked up and looking nice when guests pop around? Even if it's "just" family or friend.
Your in-laws might think popping around is a way of showing affection for you and your husband, I don't think they mean to be rude and that is why I'd let your husband handle it and ask him to be nice and well, delicate about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): Why...why...why haven't you asked them to call to be sure you're home or ready to receive them when they arrive?
You have to set your own house rules, and then ask your husband to back you up. Parents always assume they're welcomed at your home; because you're most likely always welcome to theirs. It's just a family-cultural thing with some family's to have an open-door policy; but that doesn't mean their rules and traditions extend to your home.
Ask your mother-in-law if she would give you a call ahead of time if they plan on stopping by; so you can be decent and prepared for company. Tell her she's always welcome, but sometimes you feel a little caught off-guard and a little embarrassed when you're not expecting company.
You like daytime visits and knowing what time to expect them. Just offer it to them gently. Don't look or behave as though you're annoyed. They don't deserve that. They mean well. They may feel isolated and probably don't have friends their age nearby to keep them entertained. They surely suffer from empty-nest syndrome.
They sound like nice people, and surely would understand. I chose your mother-in-law as the one to pull aside; because mom's usually lead the charge in family visits, and dads usually just follow. You may want to run this by your husband who is also caught off-guard, and may not have the heart to hurt his parent's feelings. However; you'd look like the bad-guy if he dumps it all in your lap. Which by my speculation, he will! They're his parents, but if he hasn't told them, he's avoiding doing so.
If you're suffering in silence, then continue doing so; if no one is going to tell them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): Your husband needs to take the lead in this.He needs to set some rules with them and explain that whilst he loves them they can't keep doing this. I would be very tempted to be blunt and say something about them interrupting you guys having sex - it'd probably embarrass them loads and put them off showing up unannounced! Obviously that might not be the best course of action! Is your husband their only child? Has he not long moved out? It sounds like they can't let him go. If it's you asking them to back off it could make them think you're the problem but hearing it from their own son should get the message home. He needs to be honest and say that turning up unannounced is affecting his life because he just wants time to relax in his home and if they want to visit then they have to start checking it's ok or wait to be invited. If you have a friend around then when they're at the door don't let them in - tell them you have guests and now isn't a good time, politely say goodbye and close the door on them. If they're arriving you're trying to prepare food and your husbands soaking wet he needs to tell them it's too late, you guys are going to be unwinding and they can phone him tomorrow.It's like he's going to have to train them out of this habit but there isn't any other way. Turning up at 9pm is really inconsiderate, especially if it's on a work night. My nan would sometimes get people at the door and genuinely grab her coat before she answered it - if it was someone she wasn't interested in seeing she would start saying she was on her way out, put her coat on and actually drive or walk off for 5 mins until they'd gone haha! If she wanted to see them she would just hang thr coat up as if she had been wearing it and invite them in!So, don't be afraid of offending them because as long as your husband takes the lead in telling his parents to back off and you're both polite then you've both done all you can to spare their feelings. My mil lives a 5 min drive away but would never turn up that often - she respects that her family are growing up and need space and we pop to see her often. Perhaps your husband can arrange days to visit them and tell them he's busy all week so you guy will drive out on a particular day. If they try to turn up before the visit you both have to tell them you're busy, pretend to leave or pretend you have guests if you have to. They have to start letting him go.
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