A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a very strange problem. I've been with my boyfriend (now fiancé) for 2.5 years and life is perfect.... Except I'm obsessed with his ex which I have been since day 1. To start with I recognised it was due to their 4 year relationship ending 3 months before he met me. In those 4 years of my life I was single and all I wanted was a bf. I tried hard but couldn't find one. I hated clambering around for plans on weekends, I was friends with the wrong crowd as they were the ones partying with party holidays but they were terrible friends and my self esteem tumbled. I just wanted someone to love who loved me back with companionship and support. I had a horrible upbringing and two toxic previous relationships. During my single years I was messed around for 4 years straight - one douche after an another. When I finally met my Prince Charming I was happy to learn his previous relationship ended 10 months before we met but I saw from his FB later this was a cover up so I didn't run a mile. Their 4 years was splashed over his page with every holiday, wedding etc - it was so hard to see. Everything I had wanted they had been having. Everything that was yet to come and so exciting for me (he was and still is besotted with me) they had just had. I expressed my upset about his 'miscalculation' of the truth and he said they had broken up emotionally a year before and due to fear of the unknown he didn't end it until there was nothing left at all. To show his commitment to me he voluntarily removed all the pictures he was tagged in with her. That should have been the end of it but it wasn't. Even though she has moved on (she moved on fast like him) even though we're engaged, we bought a house, even though we've been away loads I still can't shake it. It's shifted - I don't feel jealous she had everything I wanted at that time now because that single time is part of my past and I have everything I wanted and more, it's no longer a jealousy of what they had. She's by no means anything special, physically it's the other way around so I'm not threatened but I just want to get under her skin - like she got under mine for the first year I was with him, without trying. I hated going to his old flat they shared knowing she found the flat with him and it was hers too, I saw the excitement she expressed online when they moved in and it made me miserable. I hated that our first holiday was my first couples holiday for 4 years but they had been to the Caribbean that exact month a year before. I used to think 'this time last year I was rock bottom and single having found out my then flame had a gf all along but this time last year they were scuba diving and sunbathing'. I hated that I was new to the area they had both moved to 4 years prior and discovered together. I was in awe over how my life had changed - I had a new job so moved to the city, I had a new bf and a new location but I felt I was stepping into her life. I'm over all of that now but early on I wanted to post pictures of us on holiday on social media to irritate her - he said she left and he never heard from her again so she must be happy - that just upset me further. Surely I'm the new gf she should be stalking me and feeling inferior! I wanted to make sure she saw me and knew who I was. The mention of her name got me so angry anytime someone said it, the mention of their holidays - it all made me feel so inferior for so long I wanted her to feel the same. We once went to a dinner party and someone was headed to a destination he had been to with her and he went on to tell the person how amazing the place was, it was so beautiful and described it in detail, I felt so angry and as if he was humiliating me and I became very upset after. He knows how I felt at the time but has no idea the obsession lives on. Even now I have everything she didn't I'm angry she moved on so fast - she found a new bf a few months after he met me so it's like she never cared which of course winds me up further because I experienced so much anxiety for a whole year. I was single for 4 years, why did she find someone so quick? Why was he suffering so short? Everyone I know who is single has been through the mill but not her she met someone and they look blissfully happy. One of her social media accounts is wide open for anyone to see and I discovered it recently, she posted so much with her bf and looks so happy. It made me so upset I cried. It's crazy. Surely I look happy too, and engaged - what's the big deal and I am happy apart from her! I want her to feel jealous of me and the fact we're engaged but I feel she doesn't care. I know for a fact this is all in my head and I'm crazy. I just can't shake it. Everytime we book a holiday I think how nice I want to look in case a picture goes up - more often than not I don't post anyway which I recognised as a desperate habbit from the first year we wee together (I don't want to look desperate) I would rather just post a picture of the scenery so people know we're away but when I do its all for her benefit. Why do I want her to be so unhappy? Why can't I get on with my life. It's an obsession. I constantly think of scenarios where I might be photographed with him or a group and we get tagged in it but it's not mine or his. Just looking casually happy. I never post anymore as I'm worried it looks like I'm proving a point. My main goal now is to look the best I can and subtly put the odd picture up here and there. We are really happy and everything is and always has been perfect but I don't think a day has gone by in 2.5 years I've not obsessed about her. I'm not immature but I understand this makes me sound that way. Trust me I wish it wasn't an issue I'm laying myself bare here.
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engaged, his ex, immature, jealous, moved in, on holiday, self esteem, stalking, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2016):
 I agree with Capri2
This sounds VERY much like RJ ( retroactive jealousy) which IS common (more so for men, than women) and most people will find your actions unreasonable and quite frankly, ridiculous (because they are). BUT for someone suffering from RJ (like you) hearing or having it explained that your actions ARE NOT normal, and NOT right doesn't really help you get to the bottom of the issue.
I suggest you find yourself a therapist/counselor who specialize in RJ and that you WORK on these issues before you not only ruin your own life and happiness, but that of the people around you.
There is no "snap" magic fix to make you stop, it's something you have to work through and given your long post you REALLY need help to do it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): I think what you have said about a woman who has done nothing to you is terrible. You have all the things with a man that loves you and still you try your best to find something bad in life.You get taken on holiday but that still isn't good enough as it's the same month he went with her. You are engaged and have so much with this man so why on earth would you feel any ill will for somebody who wasn't even engaged to him?You say that you have been through the mill a bit so why aren't you just happy that somebody is being good to you? I have had a lot of awful things happen to me in the past few years and that didn't make me feel bitter towards anybody else because they are happy with their lives.Maybe she found happiness quite quickly after him because she's a nice person and doesn't hold grudges?I don't know what could make you stop feeling the way you do because you are obsessing over some fault that doesn't even exist. I appreciate that you don't want to feel like this but I'm not sure you feel bad for putting her down you just feel bad that you dislike the feeling of being jealous.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): I hope you take the time to read your own post to see how mean-spirited, possessive, and self-absorbed it sounds. That would help you immensely. It is highly unlikely to meet a man his age with no past, or past relationships. With emphasis on "past". He's not a new car off the lot with no mileage on it. He's a man who has had a relationship before you knew anything about him. It's the same as expecting you to be a virgin, and never having been touched by another man before. Not so much as a date.
You don't sound ready for a Prince Charming; because you have a terrible attitude, my dear. Hating on a woman who hasn't done a single thing to you. Wishing her ill-will, and deletion of her very existence. No one can erase their past, that includes you!
You've certainly have had some rough times in your life; but you seem a little damaged for it. I'm not sure your relationship is going to withstand such bitterness. It will manifest itself in ugly ways. You're already showing signs of retro-jealousy; because his past won't just disappear with her. Everything he has done before can't be rewritten with you in it as the star of his life's story.
You are starting a new life together. You'll both be beginning a new story of your own. It has nothing to do with her, and it is likely you will revisit his past from time to time. Even cross paths with her.
There's nothing new under the sun. Incidentally, you may go to a restaurant she's been to before, or walk down the same streets he walked with her. Like it or not. You're immature in your thinking if you think he can just wipe-out all his history with her for your sake. I hope you can get a handle on this element of your personality before it becomes toxic in your marriage. It's very unhealthy. You're getting angry and upset over irrational things.
You're all grown-up now; so maturity gives us more self-control over our behavior. You're not a spoiled child who refuses to take hand-me-downs. Your man had a woman and did things with her before you appeared in his life. Deal with it.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (19 January 2016):
What you are going through is a usual case of retroactive jealousy. Which is extremely common. You will get hundred of useless replies telling you how childish or crazy your behavior is. But you are going to a kind of OCD and your thoughts aren't rational at all. And you wont be able to stop the ever by reading someone telling you "you should ignore that and move one"You need to get professional counseling for this OCD if you want to ever get rid of it. And yet it isn't going to be easy.As a clue, all your anger against her is actually anger against yourself. You think you are mad at her, but you are mad at you: because you wasted four yours of your life (according to your own point of view). If tomorrow, suddenly, she started stalking you saying how miserable she is. And how much she envies what you have now, you'd feel just as frustrated you are now. Because it isn't about her. It's about you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): You need to quit social media and actually I would genuinely look into some counselling. This is not healthy for you and could ruin a lovely relationship you have. You are self destructing yourself with this hate for a woman you don't even know. Please do yourself the favour and quit all accounts. Facebook, ig, twitter...its all false. No one puts up a shit day and even when people look happy they could have just had an argument, or look like they have it all but are in debt....its not real life and spending yours thinking "what if I'm tagged..." is a waste of your precious life. Just enjoy each moment and please consider help to stop the destructive behavior x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): I can relate to your issues entirely. I too had a very rocky upbringing. I do believe when you have such an upbringing followed by similar unstable relationships it causes a lot of anxiety and instability emotionally. When I worked this out everything clicked for me. In the past I have had similar almost intrusive thoughts about ex's previous partners. Obsessive thoughts. Inside I knew my thoughts were irrational and unfounded but I also couldnt stop looking at photographs and working out dates and drawing comparisons to my life. If things get too out of hand go for some counselling it really will help. It helped me a lot. Also look up intrusive thought patterns and obsessive compulsive disorder. Its not just about washing hands compulsively and checking light switches. There is help and understanding out there for you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 January 2016):
 I really don't understand why you would want to treat this girl the way you say. At the end of the day yes she was a partner to your fiance but we all have a past. You shouldn't compare yourself to her. The relationship didn't work for them, end of story.
It sounds to me like you need to get on with your life. Block her from all social media, so you cannot check up on her and she cannot see your stuff. Its only you that your making unhappy if you keep this behavior up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): You should count yourself lucky that he voluntarily offered to remove tags of himself off photos and expresses to you that he is absolutely besotted with you. There is no reason what so ever that you should feel badly about her, she hasn't done anything to you and neither has he.The thing with Facebook is that people put all these photos of themselves on there to make out their lives are so much better than they actually are. I find the people who put the most photos up are the ones who are really quite unhappy and some how need validation from others likes and comments. In a way it's giving them something to do.I don't know why on earth you would want to make her feel bad. I know you are having a problem with this and you are asking for how to get this out of your head. But I have no idea how anybody can stop you feeling some ill will over a woman who has done absolutely NOTHING wrong.I think the only way you will stop trying to make her feel bad is by people telling you that it isn't very nice.You have a lovely boyfriend who adores you, you go away on holiday, you are engaged. It's like you are trying to make something bad in your life when most people would be extremely jealous of you. I don't get it.
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