A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my gf in 2008 cos my ex-wife and I decided to try to make our relationship work cos we have 2 children together and were married for 14 years. We went back to arguing etc which proved to be unhealthy for us all - we are now apart since beginning of 2009.My ex gf went back to her ex but says she's actually in love with me and cant forget me and she wants to come back to me...In the meanwhile, I met a great person and we havent started dating yet but agreed that we will discuss this in Jan2010 which is now - she is a wonderful person and I am a little unsure what to do - my ex-gf is a Great person and we connect on many different levels but since going back to her ex, I realized they were always in contact and waiting to restore their relationship so I cant really trust her.I do not want to hurt or mislead the person I met last year so I need to communicate my decision asap to them both.Please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Hello. Your ex gf must be a very forgiving person if shes still talking to you. Its ironic you judge her as untrustworthy because she went back to her ex. You dumped her after securing a return to your ex wife, so you can hardly judge. At the end of the day if she really meant anything to you, you wouldnt have treated her like that. It might be best to leave her alone now and stop contact. Its unfair of you to be talking with her about getting back together again. If that was a real possibility you wouldnt have a new woman lined up or be asking strangers what to do. Best leave her to sort out her life while you concentrate on yours.
You sound very clinical about this latest woman. Is it love or a business deal? As you dont want to hurt or mislead her, be honest and explain your recent past to her. Give her a snapshot of the type of person you are. Then let her decide if she even wants to date you.
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (5 January 2010):
 Calm down. Breathe. Relax. count to 10. Now, walk away from those three women. None of them will ever be good enough for you. As i was once tolf : No-one can ever love you enough until you love yourself.
You dont love yourself. So, learn to, as the posters above a=have said, spend some time alone.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 January 2010):
 I agree with Soon567 - you are jumping from one relationship to another and all you will continue to do is mislead all the women you are involved with until you take a step back and look at yourself for a change, rather than trying to fill the gaps in your life with relationships.
I used to be the sort of person that would jump from one relationship to another, always still in contact with ex's and sometimes going back to them, then things would be the same as before so I would leave and then there would be some new guy on the scene pretty quickly after that. So I can tell you from experience this is not a healthy way to conduct your relationships and you are only going to end up hurting people!
I am now in a very happy relationship with a wonderful man, but this has only happened by spending 8 months being single, completely alone and learning to be happy by myself. If you keep jumping from one relationship to the next, with continued contact with your ex's, then you only bring old baggage and relationship problems into your new relationships. So they will always fail, you will find you have the same problems and then there will always be the upset over the involvement of ex's.
So if you really dont want to mislead anyone, and you really want to do the right thing then this is what you need to do next. Be single! Completely alone! For at least 6 months. That means no meeting up with your ex's (apart from seeing the children in the case of your ex wife), no dating, nothing involving women at all! You have to learn how to be happy alone before you can have a happy relationship. How do you expect someone to love you for who you are, when you have no idea who you are as a person?
Long term relationships end up creating a different version of a person - so you go from an individual with your own ambitions, ideas, values and likes/dislikes - to a "we", where everything you do has to consider another person. It is completely normal for you to want to be in a relationship straight after a 14 marriage - after all you will have lost some of the ability to function as a single person. But what is the best thing for you is not always the easiest - and in this case it is being alone.
Re-discover who you are, what makes you happy - enjoy being selfish for a change! Spend time with your kids, put your energy into things you have always wanted to do but never had the chance to do. Some days you will hate it and wish you had the comfort of a partner, but then other days you will love the freedom and revel in how selfish you can be with no repercussions!
Clearly your marriage didnt work the first time, you gave it another try which is very honorable, but it really is not working. But are you over your ex wife? Do you still love her? Do you still have feelings for her other than as the mother of your children? There will always be a bond because of the kids but if you are truly over her it will be no more than that. I imagine that because you have not allowed yourself time alone to get over your ex wife, there are still some feelings hidden away that you have not yet dealt with, hence why being alone for a while will help you clear your mind and get your head in a good place.
As for the ex girlfriend - she sounds like she is in a similar state to you, bouncing around between new relationships and ex partners. She is not in a good place emotionally so a relationship between the two of you would never work out, so it is best to end this one once and for all.
As for the new woman - you still have too many issues and feelings remaining for your ex's to bring her into the picture. It would be completely unfair on this woman to bring her into your mess - you have the ending of your 14 year marriage that you have not properly dealt with and feelings for an ex girlfriend to deal with, never mind adding a 3rd woman into the picture.
You need to give yourself time to deal with the ending of these 2 relationships - you might really like this woman but you are not over either of these 2 ex's so no matter how wonderful she is, this is not the right time for you to be in a relationship. So I suggest you are honest with her - tell her you are still coming to terms with the break-ups of 2 relationships and need some time alone to get your head together. Tell her that it just is not the right time for you to be in a relationship and you are sorry but you cant take this any further. The best option would also be to ask her not to contact you, then you delete her number/email etc. Because when you are feeling lonely the first thing you will do is reach out to a woman that you know will come running - this could be the new woman or your ex girlfriend. So deleting their numbers/email/facebook etc is the only way to stop you contacting them in your moments of need.
Those moments where you feel truly alone, and have no-one to turn to are the moments that make you stronger, that help you get over your ex's and to help you see that you can be happy without a woman in your life.
When you feel truly happy alone, when you feel like you dont need a woman in your life but a relationship would make a happy (but small) addition to your life then that is when you are ready to start dating again. I see a relationship as being something like the icing on a cake - the cake is still tasty without the icing but the icing makes it just that little bit better. And that is exactly how a relationship should be in your life - your life as a single man should be happy and fulfilling as it is, but then a relationship could make it just that little bit better.
I'm not sure whether my advice will fall on deaf ears, but I hope it at least gives you something to think about. As corny as it sounds, happiness comes from within not from someone else. It takes guts, hard work and a lot of soul searching to go from someone who has serial long term relationships to no relationships at all - but once you come out on the other side you will be a much better and stronger person for it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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