A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Need help deciding to stay or go...Ive been dating a very sweet man for the last four months. We met at a job so I've known him since Feb. and I admired his hard working attitude.He is not good with money tho (at least as far as I am concerned) I am very conservative and frugal BUT he's almost the other end. I know he used to gamble but seems to have that under control now. Still, I get very nervous around his impulsive money spending bc that will be "our" money if we get married and have children....HE just got a new apartment and i found out he's spending almost half of his monthly paycheck on the place! Whats even worse is it's not worth that much and I think he made a mistake :(His drinking habits aren't awesome either and he already has a DUI he had to pay off this year.We are both in our 30's He is kind to me but then he's broke and we cant do anything, not to mention he obvi cant drive.Am I being awful or should i scram?THoughts...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2017):
 I too agree that I think it's smart to look at the whole picture when dating someone (even if you have only really scraped the tip of the iceberg after 4 months of dating and 6 months of knowing him). IT "seems" like his gambling is under control. The keyword is SEEM. The second thing you mention is that he doesn't "seem" very good at making SMART decisions. DUI and living in a place where the rent/mortgage takes up WAY too big part of his paycheck.
The thing is YOU have recognized these characteristics and those are NOT the ones you want in a LONG TERM partner.
I think being PRACTICAL when it comes to picking and keeping a partner is rare but a VERY good thing.
So many people go the "I'll change him/her" instead of saying well he isn't as good of a match as I had originally thought.
I'm also a big believer in the fact that WHEN we start to "pick apart" a partner (or potential mate) we already KNOW that person isn't "right" for us.
I think you should put yourself first, and accept that he can be a kind man but not a great long term match for you.
Next time? Don't date someone you work with....
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 August 2017):
 I agree with chi girl.
I'd say you're being smart and thinking with your head here over your heart. Who knows what financial difficulties you could run into down the line if things got more serious?
I'd saying you're putting your own interests first here which is the best thing to do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 August 2017):
 I'm going to sound very harsh, but Im with you in the way you think. I don't think you're awful, I think you are being honest about the facts and honest with yourself, and I think broken homes and divorces could be avoided if everyone thought like you (and me). You're not romanticizing the situation, you're seeing it for what it is. His inability to handle money WILL be a problem in the future if you get married/have kids/live together. You would then be financially dependent on him. Say, he doesn't pay his share of the living costs, what happens? Well, you'd lose your home. Say, he starts up gambling again? He probably still is gambling. A gambling addiction is an addiction all the same, it's not something you "get under control". You either gamble, or you don't. If he's still gambling, then nothing is under control, as he is still wasting his money and throwing his financial stability out the window. He also drinks and drives? I would be willing to look past that if it was something he did 10 years ago when he was young and stupid and has now learned his lesson. But at 30? He should know better.
It's all great and fine to be a nice person. But when you're looking for more than a friend, or just someone to have casual fun with in bed, you need more than just someone who is sweet and kind. You need someone you can build a future with, someone you trust with your money, someone who can provide for you when needed and who you can work together with as a team.
The number one reason for divorces is financial differences. So don't tell yourself that these things don't matter in the big picture. His ability to handle money is perhaps the most important thing to consider, when choosing a life partner.
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