A
male
age
36-40,
*ancindude
writes:I'm sort of confused and don't really know a good way to open up this subject or encourage interest. It seems as though my girlfriend is not as interested or excited about pleasing me. She usually comes first and if she doesn't then I am more than happy to dive into her snatch and munch away. I really enjoy pleasing her orally and I am very brave about it. I have read books and tried different things and I just really want to make it the best for her but I don't feel like it's reciprocated. I don't want to make her feel like she's not good enough for me or like she's doing something wrong because I know how touchy of a subject this kind of thing could be. I really don't want to make her feel insecure in her sexuality but I would like her to have the same spark of excitement, playfulness, and curiousity as I do. It almost seems as if she just doesn't have the energy for it and doing things like licking my balls or giving me head are just mechanical "are you done yet" motions. She will stop a bunch of times and sometimes just lay back and sigh if I'm not getting off fast enough. I really enjoy being pleasured as should everyone and I've been rubbing my face all over her crotch and making everything super sloppy and wonderful for almost and hour sometimes and when I want to bask in the moment of being pleased by her it seems like she just wants me to have out with it already. She doesn't treat my parts with as much adoration as I do hers.How can I approach this delicately and get her to be a more sensual lover?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): I enjoy pleasing my boyfriend in that respect.
At first I was apprehensive because I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but after a while I came to actually enjoy it. Just be very gentle and understanding, but at the same time tell her what feels good. Tell her you love watching her please you. It will make her feel great. Make sure you get your feelings across - you need to tell her that by her being "mechanical," you feel unwanted? I'm not exactly sure, maybe undesirable to her?
I think perhaps she feels insecure. Her actually getting up and sighing seems to me that she feels like she's doing it all wrong? It's disappointing to her that she can't make you reach orgasm when all she wants is for you to be happy. Talk to her and make sure you resolve the issue positively.
Perhaps instead of dropping subtle hints, be direct and to the point. She may prefer directness in this respect.
Oops, I just read your follow-up. How did you tell her? Was it good/ bad timing? Was she mad because of how you said it or because she does not enjoy it enough to want to try it out?
A
male
reader, dancindude +, writes (18 July 2008):
dancindude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI shower every day after work, I keep my area trimmed, and I shave my huevos because she said she liked it better that way one time. But I see your points and I should recognize that I can't expect her to change for me. It's just that the 'mechanical' thing didn't really feel genuine and I don't want her to just go through the motions. It really didn't make me feel good to see her put herself through that and I screwed up and told her how I felt. I felt really stupid after that and she just got really angry with me. We have been together for 2.5 years and this never really happened until recently so I don't know what changed. I wondered if getting a sexual positions or a how to please your partner book to read and have casually lying around the house would be too obvious and create a problem again or if there's some way of accidentally creating some more interest in ways to spice up our sex life. I don't want intimacy to get boring to her and although I hate to say it, I think the 27 yr old poster is probably hitting closer to home. I hope she's wrong...
Thanks for the female insight. I appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): You didn't say if she is also less excited about vaginal penetration. Is she hesitant during all acts or just performing oral sex on you? The other posts may be right, it might not be her thing. I think you should have a honest but casual talk about what pleasures you both the most. You can say that you like getting oral sex the most and watch for a reaction. Try to be open with her and perhaps she will be open with you about if she does or doesn't like it. Is it a phrase? Or a preference?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tigger3165 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 ... well... personally, i see her side... i hate giving my man head... i hate it, and i think its disgusting... just be happy she is willing to do it, even if its mechanical... it means that she cares about you... if she knows you enjoy it, and still doesn't want to do it, then that's her preference... don't pressure her into something that makes her uncomfortable...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): You may be a great boyfriend, but she might well find your genitals unattractive and only give you token oral sex to keep you happy. If that's how she feels, she's unlikely to take any "advice" on how to become a better lover, as she won't want to do anything that might force her to spend more time doing it.
You're a guy - it's your package, and you're used to what it's like. Your girlfriend's genitals are internally packaged. She doesn't ask you to lick her urethra, so you can understand why she might feel it disgusting to suck your penis, considering you piss from it. She may not like the taste, or the texture.
Lots of girls don't like giving oral sex - check out the archived questions, and you'll see it seems equal numbers between those who enjoy it, those who refuse to do it, and those who dislike it but do it anyway to please their partners. You can't make your girlfriend like it; that she already does it is probably the most effort she is going to put into it.
You can try and broach the subject, but you seem incompatible, so you might well have to end this relationship and go in search of a girl who likes to spend all her time down there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Honestly, I think its you guys's age that might be the problem. I see that you are in your early 20's, so I assume she is too. I know that when I was in my early 20's, my sex drive was almost non-existent. In fact, I was alot like you describe your girlfriend to be. I was in a relationship from when I was 19 to 22 and I did not like having sex much with him. And he always wanted to have sex. It was not fun. After that relationship, me and my friends were all single in college, practically celibate. I mean, of course we would meet guys and make out with them and stuff, but sex was not at all a huge part of our lives. Nor did I really want it to be. I jsut didn't need it. I know it sounds weird, but that's just how I felt. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship cause I just wouldn't have been able to please a guy sexually. And nothing any guy could have done or said could have made me feel differently.
And then when I turned 25 or 26 all of a sudden I really came of age with my sexuality. Now (I'm 27), I love sex. I could have sex 3 times a day, everyday, for sure. I guess my sex drive just kind of turned on as I got older. I really like it now.
I could give you tips on how to better "please" her, but you seem to be doing everything right and honestly, from my own experience, I think she just doesn't have a sex drive yet. And when you don't have a sex drive you just don't have a sex drive. Its just hard to go around it...I really think its an age thing...
I know it sucks cause you probably love her, but I'm just being honest, from my own experience. But I personally think its a "take it or leave it" situation. Sorry, and I hope I'm wrong.
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