A
female
age
30-35,
*uppymug
writes:I have been in a very serious and committed relationship for 5 years. I wasn't sure of our relationship but i realized that I really love my guy. we have had our share of fights but we are still strong and we have our fair share of restrictions on each other as well. Mainly related to the opposite sex. I don’t have an issue with having restrictions in the relationship cause i was brought up in a family with restrictions too and I’m used to it. Usually i don’t rebel much and listens. In the relationship there has been a couple of girls who tried flirting with him and i told him to stop talking and a couple of guys who tried flirting with me and i stopped talking cause he doesn’t like. An year back i met a guy whom i gave a very embarrassing first impression of myself and a few months later we had to co-captain an event at office. We grew pretty close through that and our friendship hit it off instantly. It was the kind of friendship where we either became bestfriends or something more. We were almost together everyday running everywhere to get stuff done and we became really close in a matter of few days where we even started talking about personal things like relationships and gave advice to each other. My friends love bugging me with anything that i do and they started bugging me with this just to get a rile from my boyfriend. My guy never admitted that he was jealous of the guy but we started having issues and it was not related to the guy and there were a few unavoidable circumstances where he had issues about the two of us having to go to places together. After the event was over our friendship didn’t end and we continued talking in office chat almost everyday at the beginning. But my guy didn’t like it and i reduced the amount that i talked to this guy. But our friendship continued and my guy friend had a break up and i was helping him throughout the phase. My friends suspected that he had feelings for me with the way he treated me cause he did small things which were really thoughtful and was always very attentive to me. It felt different from what i have experienced because my guy is not very showy of his feelings and is not much of a thoughtful person cause he doesn’t know how to do those. I liked the feeling it gave me and at one point i had feelings for him too. Not very strong but it was there. But i grew out of it after sometime cause I realized that i couldn't just break up with my boyfriend no matter how many times i tried. I don't know if it was the familiarity or if it was cause i love him but I couldn't picture my future without him. Our friendship never escalated into anything more but was just there. The amount we spoke to each other reduced a bit more to about talking to each other once a week or so but we continued talking. I got a transfer to the same building where my friend was and left the department where me and my guy worked together. I was not in the same floor nor department as my friend but he was excited that i was at the same building and with a bunch of other friends we had lunch everydy. The two of us grew very close to the point where he told me about all of his secrets and i told him all of mine. We understood each other like better than me and my boyfriend did and grew really close and calls oueselves each others best friends. My guy friend was jealous when i was too close to another guy friend even if that friend has been my best guy friend before him. I was his wing woman and i got him the perfect girl for him and whenever they had issues they both spoke to me and i gave advice and they resolved whatever issues they had with me as their advisor. I have told everything to my guy and he was okay with my friendship with this guy and we didn’t have any issues like when i first became friends with this guy. In the meantime a girl i knew because of netball got to know my boyfriend when he came to watch me play, without my knowledge got my boyfriend into a game group that I don't play and got his number and had started texting him. My guy never told me and when i was on his phone playing games i got to know that they were texting each other. When i asked him about it he was saying that he didn’t think it was a big deal to tell me about it. (This girl was never close to me and we never texted each other) i was okay at that point and didn’t make anything out of it. But as days passed it became excessive where he was texting her when we were out on office trips and when we were on dates. When i asked he said that he never initiates a convo and was only replying according to what she sends. I became annoyed and told him to have a limit. Things got too far to the point where he hung out with her and her friends without caring if i liked it or not and on days i was unable to make it and even dropped her home which was out of his way but was an alternate route to his place as she lives close to me. She has a boyfriend who was a friend of mine before they even started dating but a guy that i stopped talking to because my guy thought that he was flirting with me which was not true. However we kept having fights for this and he kept on bringing up my guy best friend whenever we had issues and we came to a point where we both agreed to stop talking to our respective friends to avoid anymore issues. I know that my guy would never cheat on me. And our relationship is very stable with parents support on both parties and with future marriage plans. But these issues became constant. It always came cause of that other girl as they texted everyday all the time which me and my best friend never did. She knew that i do not like her and even voiced it out to my guy but never stopped talking. Whenever we had fights my guy kept on bringing up my friendship with my best friend and kept using that against me. Now we both stopped talking to our friends to save the relationship. I told my best friend all of it and we decided not to talk to each other till we try and somehow solve this issue. Now things are getting really hard at work as i have to avoid lunch with my friends and eat alone, my friend is being very supportive trying to make me eat with our friends and not turning up. But it hurts both of us. He voiced it out to me and said that he misses me everyday. We don't talk properly but he uses office chat to tell me that its hard for him to avoid me and that he misses me so much in his life. He does everything at work to avoid me but whenever we bump into each other after not saying more than just a hi, be comes back and says that its hard for him to do that. Which is the same for me cause i miss my best friend in my life. We have been too close to each other all this time its hard to avoid something that has been constant for the past one year in my life. My guy complained about losing his friend cause of me but never said anything anymore because I responded the same. I don’t know what i need to do anymore as my guy friend clearly hates my guy now and I’m torn in the middle of them at work related stuff where they have t communicate with each other but my guy used me to speak to him just this instance since it was work related for him and it was on his off days and my friend doesn't cooperate cause my guy will be missing out if he doesn't help and he refuses to help my guy as he doesn't like the fact that my guy wants me to talk to him for his stuff. I miss sharing secrets with my best friend and talking to him when i go through hard times. In my case my boyfriend and my best friend are two different guys and they are both very important to me. I don’t want to lose either of them. Please advise what I should do.
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a break, at work, best friend, flirt, has a boyfriend, jealous, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017): You speak daily with your best friend at work ? On the other hand your bf was texting .. I see no difference just your perception of it ..
You state multiply times that you have felt something .. that isn't friendship .. that's what your bf is catching onto .. Plus how can you share all the stuff you posted about getting close etc if you only spent 5 mins at lunch time that doesn't make sense does it ? And if it doesn't make sense it's normally nonsense . You have spent a huge amount of time with your male best friend . Which has blurred things .
Now that your bf does the same sharing his time or affection elsewhere even on text it's a noo . Really ?
Look; no one is saying you can't have a male friend.. you need boundaries and you seem to let them down whenever . So this isn't a good mix at all. You can say more than hi as long as your friend nows it's just friends and I would doubt and I am sorry from your post that's alll it ever would be .. no matter how much now you say differently .
Give the situation time to settle .. I would say a 10 min catch up without without .. telling this male friend private intimate information .. my husband found out stuff about my past ( nothing I did bad ) 20 years later from my sis and his reaction was why didn't you tell me .. I didn't think it was necessary but it was private ..
having a catch up is shooting the breeze chatting about cwappy stuff and having a laugh.. not your bf or your relationship should be mentioned in these chats .. or how you feel . Or how well you both connect etc .. it's just friendly .. I'm sure if your bf was aware that this is all it would be . He wouldn't mind . But in your bf mind you have already stepped over that mark so he will have a hard time believing you can draw the right line .. that's my advice .. your bf should be the one you share intimate things with worries etc .
A
female
reader, Puppymug +, writes (1 February 2017):
Puppymug is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell i am not spending time alone with this guy at all during lunch as i have about 5 more friends with us and we are always hanging out in a clique at office. True i did have feelings for this guy at one point but that was a period where i was having many issues with my guy. And i was merely attracted to this guy cause we spent alot of time together. But i realized that it was nothing after some time and i got over it. I dont see him that way at all anymore. To be honest i don't even know why i felt attracted to him cause after becoming best of friends i realized that there's nothing that i like about him in anyway more than a friend. My guy knows all about him and things that we chat about. I never kept any of it as a secret. I know it must be selfish of me to want my boyfriend and my bestfriend both. And yes i figured out that my guy is giving me a taste of my own medicine. But i grew close to this guy cause of work. And he got close to this girl who was a person i knew and was not in texting terms without my knowledge. And true I'm very close to my best friend. But i am also close to his girlfriend whom i found for him. My guy is close to this girl and her guy too but she keeps sending my guy texts which implies that she needs someone like my guy and not her boyfriend. Which never happens in my case. And though im close to my friend i do not text him everyday and every chance i get. We mostly talk at office and only about once or twice a week on text. Which was what i did not approve of my guy doing as he even texted her during our dates.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): Don't be a two-timer! Choose one of them, tell him so; then let the other down as kindly as possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): I read this and thought wtf .. really your aniseed that your guy actually became friendly with a girl after you have told us it's not just mere friends there have been periods of you becoming closer than friends emotionally and hey this is all okay ..
So your bf give you a taste of your own medicine and what I've to say he's the bad guy for making you choose .. you still haven't .. you want your cake and you want to eat it .. you spent lots of time .. lunch breaks chatting and your bf texting and giving her a run home .. but you don't like her .. your bf doesn't like your friend either .. get over it .
So it's hard at work .. really .. you want the cosy close chats the thought of it being all romantic and stuff with your friend . As that what your doing.. these aren't. Lunches . These are cosy lunches and you overstep the boundaries . You say so yourself. Multiple times that you felt closer to him than a friend .
Now you have to deal with it and pull up your big girls pants .. and either be with your bf or take it further with your bestie .. I don't think your bf had a problem per se with you having a male friend just the amount of physical time you were spending with him .
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