A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's been almost 2 years after my ex broke up with me. I moved overseas to start a new life and tried to stay away from everything about him. I am moving on slowly and was hoping to fall in love again abroad. I am so ready to be in another relationship, but it never happened and now I'm about to go home. I've tried every possible way to move on. I neither check his FB nor reply to him when he tried to contact me. I know he's no good and everyone thinks it's good that we broke up. I just can't stop thinking about him. I cry once in a while when I think of our good memories. He used to be so important in my life and I understand that I will never ever forget him. I know being happy is the best revenge. I don't want to look and sound desperate, but I just can't get him out of my mind. What can I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): For some it takes a matter of weeks or months to get-over someone. For some it may take years to a lifetime.
You idolized him to the point of obsession. You refuse to give yourself closure; because you can't give-up the past. You said you moved away and started a new life; but what you didn't do is allow yourself to move on. You're holding on. Hoping by some magical or miracle event he'll reappear in your life. You're just an old memory to him. The widow in the tower, looking out to the sea in futility. Waiting to see his ship in the distance.
My dear, you have to learn how to live. So many people let so much life pass them by, holding on to old demons; or clinging to people they should let go of. You've convinced yourself he's everything to you. That is giving someone so much love you left none for yourself. You have to love yourself to; in order to protect your heart, and keep it free to find someone else when someone doesn't work-out or isn't good for you.
If you were only a girl in her teens, it would make sense that your first-love is the hardest to get-over. The lack of experience and maturity would force a child to hold-on.
You now have to let go of a fantasy-relationship that never really existed. Everyone realized the guy was a dick except you. Like a rebellious teenager, you crave the guy that everyone says is bad for you. Time to grow-up. You were in-love with being in-love. It wasn't him at all. That's unhealthy and defies reality.
I'm not going to recommend therapy and the such; because sometimes people have to learn how to cope and just use the tools nature has given us without artificial props, pills, and crutches to lean on. Nor other people.
Drop the memory like a bad habit.
It's stealing away your youth, your dreams, and keeping you suspended in the past. Two years is too long. It's a waste of spirit and time. What can you do? Just stop it. Stop living in the past and creating a relationship that was never what you've created in your imagination to have been.
He as an assh*le, and everyone knows it but you. He's two years in the past, and still robbing you of your happiness and freedom. Only because you fall too hard. Not in-love, but with the idea of it. Time for that childish-notion of love to be dropped, and you need to fast-forward into the present. You've got a lot of life ahead of you. Live it!
No sugarcoated syrupy-sweet sappy coddling for you. I'm giving it to your straight. Get on with your life, girlfriend!!! No man is worth all that. You give no guy your soul. Especially not the devil!
He's out there somewhere living his life and possibly enjoying it; while you're still back in 2013.
Go cold-turkey and wean yourself off the thoughts and bury the memories. They've been debilitating, and stifling your growth. No therapist can change your mindset; that you have to decide on your own. You haven't found love; because you've been so wrapped-up in your memories, you haven't noticed what's going on around you. If your receptors are inactive and on downtime; you won't pick-up any signals from suitable prospects. Guys have been trying. You've ignored them, or kept looking for someone just like him.
Stop looking for his clone or replacement. Just enjoy life as it comes to you. Once you do that, you'll notice that there were/are guys out there trying to get to you; but you were/are imprisoned in your memories, and shutting everyone out. You're holding on to him in defiance. For what? He's not wasting any time, losing sleep, or squandering away his youth. You are!
Sorry, here's a reality-check. Love doesn't happen on demand. You can't look at a guy, snap your fingers, and he's head-over-heels for you. In reality, it happens when it happens. You won't know love is here today, if you're somewhere lost in your past. Pining over some dick of guy that everyone else is glad to see out of your life.
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